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Why would my [F21] FWB [M23] be upset about the fact that I'm seeing someone else if he explicitly told me he didn't want a relationship with me?

May 27, 2021
86 upvotes

Over winter break, I (F21) hooked up with this guy we'll call John (M23). John is from my hometown, but goes to a school out of state. I knew him from high school, but haven't talked to him in a few years. We started talking back in October when he asked my friend for my number. After discovering FDS, I know that I should not have slept with him over break if I ever wanted it to progress any further, but I was dumb and did so. Mistake.

John left in January to go back to school. At the time, he said he wanted to keep talking but because he wouldn't be back until the summer, he didn't want to label it or be exclusive. Originally, I said okay, but then kind of backed off for a few months. He had another girl (from our state) visit him in February for Valentine's Day, but said that he has since stopped talking to her b/c the visit didn't go well. Whatever.

Anyways. Given that information, I clearly did not expect anything to come from the relationship/talking to him, but I was fine being his friend. He sent me a birthday gift for my birthday in April, and we continued talking periodically (obviously, we were not getting it on because he was gone). John always told me he didn't care if I talked to other guys, he wasn't the jealous type etc. etc. He even went so far as to say that he would be happy for me if I hooked up with someone else. It should be noted that he knows that I really liked him back in January, and would have been interested in a relationship with him (I told him this). But he told me he wasn't "at the right point in his life for a relationship" and "wanted to see where it went." Obviously, I'm not stupid and knew this meant it was going nowhere. But, again, he was fine as a friend (or so I thought).

Well, two weeks ago I was FaceTiming him when I was with my friend. My Dad said something in the background to my friend (he didn't know I was on FT b/c I turned the sound down, but did not mute it). He said something along the lines of "And she went over to (my ex boyfriend's names) house the other night, I don't even know why she still talks to him!" John freaked out. He called me a hypocrite. I have no animosity with my ex -- we don't hook up (which I told John); we are truly only friends because I have known him since I was 17. My ex was not a LVM for the most part -- we just had different expectations in a relationship. I believe he called me a hypocrite because I told him he shouldn't get back together with his ex because she cheated on him throughout the entire relationship... But anyways... He said some really mean things, hung up, and hasn't replied to any of my texts since. I think he is mad because he believes that I hooked up with my ex (which I didn't and DON'T), but even if I did, why would he have a right to care/be mad about that after he told me he did not want a relationship with me? I honestly don't know if I'll ever hear from him again...It's been two weeks! Honestly, at this point, I don't really gaf. But I'd still like to know what the logic behind his anger is if any of you ladies have ever experienced something like this.

Tl;dr: FWB got angry and isn't talking to me after finding out I hung out with my ex boyfriend. But he has told me explicitly he does NOT want a relationship with me and I'm 99% certain that he is seeing other females. What is the logic behind him getting mad if he doesn't want a relationship with me? Is this just a typical LVM thing to do? Has anyone else had this experience before?

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Post Information
Title Why would my [F21] FWB [M23] be upset about the fact that I'm seeing someone else if he explicitly told me he didn't want a relationship with me?
Author luckycharmxx
Upvotes 86
Comments 38
Date May 27, 2021 12:52 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/why-would-my-f21-fwb-m23-be-upset-about-the-fact.791872
https://theredarchive.com/post/791872
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/nlvz6d/why_would_my_f21_fwb_m23_be_upset_about_the_fact/
Red Pill terms in post
Comments

[–]berrylikeova 76 points77 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ps. If you don’t block these men they keep showing up.

[–]berrylikeova 266 points267 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Who cares what he’s thinking. Block him. You don’t need that. He’s a loser.

[–]berrylikeova 73 points74 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Overreacting would be blowing him up on socials or stalking him.

This. This is a rational reaction. Remove the trash from your life. #litterfree2021

Edit. Meant to reply to OP. Oh well.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, thank you for taking the time to leave advice. It's greatly appreciated <3

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 72 points73 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That's what I wanted to do, but my friend said blocking him on instagram or snapchat was "overexaggerating" because we never were in a relationship. But, in my opinion, all blocking means is you don't want them to view your posts/contact you any further!

[–]mashibeans 91 points92 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Pffft of course, it's always the woman the one who "over-exaggerates" or is "crazy" or is a "drama queen." What about this LV dude who DID overreact by getting mad at you for talking to guys, something he explicitly said he didn't care about? On top of insisting you and him have nothing going on??

Block him everywhere, drop him like a hot potato. Berrylikeova is right, who gives a shit what he thinks.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed. I saw a tweet recently that said: "Would you rather be the crazy girl or the girl with no standards?" Umm... definitely the "crazy" one if it means not being manipulated by these losers. Thank you for the advice queen!!

[–]overachiever856 23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It doesn't matter what the relationship was or wasn't, he still hurt you. He used you as a comforter just in case things didn't work out with other girls he was chasing. Ew.

[–]Twohagsover30 144 points145 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The same reason any man changes his mind after he says 'I WANT TO TAKE THINGS SLOWWWW' and you say 'That's fine, I'm seeing other people'

They need to feel needed and want to keep multiple balls in the air.

They want the toy that everyone else wants, and it is DISGUSTING.

This is a very common thing!!

Throw the whole man away.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 40 points41 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Disgusting indeed. They want to be your only option while ensuring they have a multitude of options. No thank you. Thank you for the advice <3

[–]Twohagsover30 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We've all been there! I'd walk and wash your mind of him.

Best XX

[–]raphaellastorm 45 points46 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, this guy sucks and is a selfish jerk. I know you stress in your post you don’t care, and seem to be putting on a brave face, but I’m sure you have some genuine feelings for him too (and that’s okay, and doesn’t make you weak, feelings for someone you have had or are having sex with is normal - what’s not normal is our disturbed hookup culture) and it’s just not healthy to engage with someone just as a “friend” that you even a little bit want more with. You have to rip off the bandaid and block and delete if you’re ever going to be happy. I know it’s so super hard because you want him to be different than he is but he’s never going to be. Stop talking to this loser and giving him space in your life. He’s old news.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 20 points21 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're right, I was romantically interested in him at some point. I guess the part that hurts now is that some of these men (him included) really truly do make you believe that you are their friend. He was there for me emotionally/mentally (most of the time) when I was going through stuff, and, I don't know... I guess it is just hard realizing that no, you really weren't their friend when it comes down to it. Not when sex is off the table anyways. But screw that. Definitely don't need that energy in my life. Thank you for your comment!!

[–]raphaellastorm 23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Girl, men and women cannot be friends. Men will be your friend because they think they can get something from you. Once they can’t, they may interact with you, occasionally feign interest or sympathy for your problems, even listen to you cry a few times—maybe—but they don’t consider you their friend. You after all are just a woman and either you’re good for sex, you’re on standby for sex, or you have been discarded and are no longer good for sex (but may still be interesting or funny or occasionally good at giving free advice or therapy so they’ll keep you around.) Don’t expect men to be your friend. Look at their own friendships with other men. They are usually oriented around activities and they rarely share their feelings with one another. That’s their idea of “friendship”—hard pass. It’s better to be friends with other women who are not emotionally stunted. Men either should worship you and treat you like a Queen and their only or should be avoided. Learn this now before you endure so much more unnecessary heartache!!

[–]Previous-Focus-2013 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

THIS!! Activities with one another: sports, business, group assignments , drinking etc is their idea of friendship. And they will pick another guys over a woman to do that with any day, that’s how they support brotherhood.

Unfortunately, brotherhood is where the big money is and the club is private , only way to get there is through other men, marriage or relationship. Women are accessories to be discarded or used for them. They visit one another in hospital and kill for each other yet get annoyed when their wives ask for more attention . It’s largely homoerotic. Even if you do things for them and try to be a bro they won’t see you as anything else but a woman, and won’t value anything you give them.

[–]pretty_killFDS Specialist 25 points26 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Block the guy. He just wanted you for sex, and now he’s mad another guy gets access to what he considered his sex object. Find someone that wants to be with you, not just use your body. If that’s how the new guy is, then great :)

[–]nancy5559 28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s because he sees you as an object, not as a person. I’d be mad if someone wore my shoes or took my phone without asking, and that’s how he feels about you as a person, he sees you as an object. He’s not jealous, he doesn’t care about you, his ego is hurt because he wants women to be obsessed with him. He wants to have sex with all the women he wants but with them not having sex with other guys. I would completely cut him off. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh but this is what it is. I spent way too much time on guys like that when I was younger, I wish I had found FDS sooner!!

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Even if it’s harsh, I definitely need to hear it. Also, I second wishing I found FDS sooner! FDS is literally my saving grace!!! <3 Thank you for the advice!

[–]pikkpie 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Block and delete. You'll just waste your time with this loser

[–]miloba_ 58 points59 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

There is no logic happening on his end whatsoever, that’s the thing. The best thing is to cut this man from your life permanently.

He wanted to be free to date/sleep with whomever while keeping you in rotation. A man like this isn’t worth a second of your time.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 20 points21 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agreed. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would never be exclusive to him if he was not exclusive to me -- I think he will be hard pressed to find a HVW that will!

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Also, thank you so much for the advice!

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Oh no, there’s def logic on his end. He has some girl miles away worshipping him. Even ignoring her friend to face time him.

[–]ordinarilynightmare 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No reason he’s just a narcissist but trust me it’s not because he cares. I had a FWB also be cold with me bc I was disrespecting him in front of his face when I was shitfaced sending another guy emojis (this FWB is the one who doesn’t even respect me enough to consider a relationship with me so why should he gaf if I keep my options open and if I’m too drunk to care?) don’t let him make you feel bad he is just a narcissist he thinks that just bc he can’t get laid as easily as women can he can pout about it. Not your problem he wanted a woman who was cool with it didn’t he? Now he’s getting a taste of his own medicine! Fuck this guy!

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

So you have a dude who used you for sex, knows you’re super into him and you’ll be available for sex or emotional attention when he wants it, getting mad that you might be moving on from him. You won’t be his personal worshipper while he fails to get laid with any local chics because they know better. He sounds like a douche.

And quite honestly, why are you FaceTiming someone when you have a friend over? Why aren’t you hanging out with the friend?

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It’s our mutual friend that set us up! She had been on the phone to her boyfriend in the car for like a half hour once she got here so I was just talking to him waiting for her lol

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Ummm.. i think you need to find friends who devote their time to you when you're around. It's incredibly rude to talk to your bf for an hour when you're with someone else.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I know. I agree with you. She was just sitting in my driveway on the phone to him for 30 mins after getting here so I just waited for her. She is a little boy crazy for sure .. it’s a new relationship if that gives you any indications. Lol

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’d say that’s a bad sign for your future friendship. Do you want to be dumped any time she has a bf?

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No I don’t. I know you’re right. It’s just hard because people get so angry whenever you question anything at all about their relationship/attachment to their SO.

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get that. And there's a spot "in between". You don't have to argue with her that she dumps her friends for a bf. You can just keep her as someone on the edges of your friend group and find value in that, while realizing you probably need to find a better friend.

[–]oscine23 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Better question: why are you in an FWB situation?

It's because he's a selfish fk who wants you under his terms only. Please don't romanticize it and think he's struggling with his feelings for you or any goofy shit like that. Ghost him.

[–]Buckley92 11 points12 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I read the TLDR, not your whole post. Your Q: IS this just a typical LVM thing to do? Not sure. Is it still a LVM thing to do? Absolutely. Should you let him anywhere near your bedroom or anything like that ever again? Absolutely not. He could be carrying an STI from one of the other girls you're 99% sure he's seeing and pass it onto you. And condoms don't cover everything. Over the counter birth control does NOT protect against STIs. Herpes is a virus, once you have it that's it, and there's no cure. The HPV vaccine doesn't protect you from herpes OR aids, nor syphillus, another nasty STI.

Why would he be angry about you seeing other men if he's seeing other women? A few reasons. Control. Narcississm. Manipulation. Also, keeping you guessing as to what he is thinking aka red pill dread game. Also, the risk of STIs is much worse if all of his multiple partners also have multiple partners, but rather than give up having multiple partners, it's more convenient for him to be selfish and demand you and the other girls do it. Also, the feeling of not being 'man enough for you' if you feel the need to seek multiple partners, yet not feeling 'man enough' without having multiple partners himself.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 9 points10 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

A few of my friends suggested that a guy getting jealous or mad about you seeing other men means that he likes you. But I agree with you 100% that it is about control, manipulation, or narcissism. I did not even consider the risk of STIs being a motivating factor, but that makes for another perfectly good reason. I'm personally not a fan of casual sex, so I didn't really plan on ever sleeping with him again, but it's too bad he showed his true colors to the point where a friendship won't even be acceptable anymore. Thank you for your advice!

[–]Buckley92 24 points25 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The thing is, if he liked you as a girlfriend, he would ask you to be in a relationship and stop seeing other women and wouldn't say, 'He wasn't at the right point in his life for a relationship'. If he's getting angry about you seeing other men but still seeing other women himself, it's about control.

[–]luvmyvulvaxoxoFDS Specialist 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Your friends are dumb. Men get jealous over all kinds of shit. It does not mean they want to be your bf. It just means they feel inferior to whatever dude you’re seeing.

[–]luckycharmxx[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As he should feel inferior!!! I agree you are 100% right.

[–]ms_monquisFDS Specialist 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A few of my friends suggested that a guy getting jealous or mad about you seeing other men means that he likes you.

Oh jesus christ no. Leave this abuse-normalizing bullshit in kindergarten where they need to stop telling girls "he hits you because he likes you."

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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