Advice on handling Father-in-Law during separation?

July 8, 2018
7 upvotes

Gents,

Been a while since the last post. I have been hitting new PRs, finished Superior man and listening to 48 Laws of Power, which is solid given my situation and has been a valuable tool. A lot of the laws are dripping with RP.

Getting to the topic, wife since telling me she wants to separate and my stoic reaction to it (No DEERing, "Take me back", etc") she has been reaching out more and looking for "emotional" talk. I tend to keep it to the 2/3 rules and minimize showing my hand. She started her dream job and is "I'm so happy and I am in a great place", damn solipsism at its finest. I ensure no snarky "Good you have everything going for me that you are kicking me to the curb". I think reality will hit when I get back and I'll drop of her stuff off in a box.

Her father reached out to me to see how I was doing etc. I kept it cordial in talking about his classic mustang build, fishing, etc. I could tell her was trying to avoid talking about the separation but he asked me how I was doing with it. I told him a "I have my plan and will follow through with it". He went on to say he was severely disappointed with his daughter and I could tell he meant it. He talked about how it caught him off guard, and I responded I had an feeling because I saw the red flags but gave her a benefit of doubt. He mentioned her emotions gets the best of her which I responded that she is a woman and he dropped some RP on me.

I told him I appreciated the advice about putting our daughter first and I told him regardless of what happens I'll be his son. He is a great father and a man that I could definitely see us remaining connected. It would be hard to distance myself but I am keeping it cordial.

He did tell me a story of a friend who after 20 years of marriage out of the blue told her husband she wanted a divorce. My FIL stated that the guy was great, had a great job, but she experienced the Eat Pray Love paradigm and just left. It was amicable in the sense she took nothing but FIL was shocked by it. Rollo teaches otherwise.

The issue I have is for the relatives, how do you keep it cordial and friendly while dealing with their daughter who is leaving you? I mean I have nothing against them but how do you go about not ghosting them as they will be in my life due to my daughter?

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Post Information
Title Advice on handling Father-in-Law during separation?
Author broneilbro
Upvotes 7
Comments 31
Date July 8, 2018 9:44 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/advice-on-handling-father-in-law-during-separation.204233
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8x0fdb/advice_on_handling_fatherinlaw_during_separation/
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Comments

[–]simbarlionRed Beret11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

At a macro level you need to handle it the same way as dealing with your daughter. Avoid discussing the split and always be the bigger man.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is the biggest thing. I know his daughter will always come first though I can tell he is genuinely caring about the situation and trying to remain neutral. He is a great FIL and with my dads Alzheimer's he is more of a father than my stepdad.

[–]friendandadvisor9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I tend to keep it to the 2/3 rules and minimize showing my hand.

You are fucking up. The 2/3 rule is when you have or are working towards a hookup/relationship. This slut has dumped you and is now using you as an emotional tampon. You are happily going along with it, thinking that you are maintaining 'frame'.

Follow the rules for when you have been dumped and for when your wife is playing the whore, not for when you are dating.

As for familial relationships, these people should, once the drama is over, start seeing the children only when they are at Mom's house. As a general rule, they will only be interacting with you at graduations, birthday parties, etc...where entire family participation is mandated.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Gotcha. You're right about the frame. I know she's dumped me mentally but can't ghost as of now as it's not finalized. I have been pushing towards minimal communication and only logistics on my part.

I also understand the family, again it's not finalized and as per the advice I have found that the bigger man is what pays dividends.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are fucking up. The 2/3 rule is when you have or are working towards a hookup/relationship. This slut has dumped you

This x 100

Quit this bullshit. Use your head.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red15 points16 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

They are no longer your family and no longer your concern. Go make new male friends that are not emotionally invested.

Blood is thicker than water and they will eventually turn.

They do not need to be in YOUR life to have a relationship with their grandchild.

Ghost the ex, her family everyone. You will thank me later.

[–]thunderbeyond5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Seems harsh but ultimately even a dad will side with his daughter over time.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed. I would when it came down to it. The immediate emotion of her doing something wrong wears out.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Can't ghost them now as papers haven't been signed. I am applying some of the Laws that I'm learning about in order to not show my hand and gain the advantage. Greene has some solid fucking advice on this but you are correct.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Neither have mine. Have not talked to her family in 90 days. Blocked on all SM. What other excuse do you have?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck, good question. Still asking myself that.

[–]mrpthrowa5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

seems like you're handling it fine.

[–]broneilbro[S] 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Update Had FaceTime with the daughter and enjoyed the hell out of it. She's growing up so much over the year. Looking forward to building our relationship with her.

Wife took over and discussed her career and all that shit. She mentioned how buying a house is terrifying and grownup. I just listened while she went on about nonsense.

It really is amazing when you start seeing people for who they are and how other people view them. I noticed that she could talk nonstop about herself. Fuck me it's ugly and bitter.

I told her put the daughter on the phone and spent more time wth her. I could see my wife trying to interject herself for more FaceTime with me. It was amusing but I told daughter be great and wife said I love you which I responded with ill talk to you later. It was weird being blunt but freeing if that makes sense.

Anyways still moving forward with getting papers ready, found my place, and continue on evolving.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

"I love me too. Bye."

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Yep.

OP. Don’t ever forget this comment

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

surely this is reserved for a functioning relationship?

Deployed and newly separated.... I'd be poker faced. Blank.

OP i think your response was spot on.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

That is what I am doing. Right now sitting at the JAG and ensuring I have my plan and COAs ready.

I believe that she doesn't think that I'm prepping papers and my exit. Not to be vindicated but taking agency of your own divorce is really exhilarating to a degree.

Cannot explain it but the more I talk about it the better I feel about killing the puppy.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I'd like to say I believe you, but I don't. I think you are secretly hoping for the surprise of her pleading for a reunion.

I won't judge either way, nor do I have the answer for you, but be honest with yourself about if that's true.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s important to keep the upper hand at all times whether he verbalizes it or keeps to himself.

If a few steps are taken back, whose real fault is this ?

Whether this is a functioning relationship or one melting down, the OP must make that break or leap in frame that he is the “prize”.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

yep, i got my money on OP making up with his wife when he gets home and she turns her pussy up to melt his face off level.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

wife said I love you

Wtf?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I think her hamster is spinning in the sense she is terrified about her new life.

I have to say it is absolutely amusing in seeing things how they are.

She never would be the first to say it and she was rushed to get it in after I talked to my daughter.

[–]drty_prRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She meant "ILYBINILWY"

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hahaha I have to say at first I didn't know what that acro is but you are correct. I believe she emotionally divorced me a year ago and played the game well...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women are always jealous and competing with each other. Moms and daughters included in this as well, as you have seen.

If I get stuff for my girls, my wife will get jealous of it. Never fails.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like you are doing well. Remember that the difference between an amicable divorce and a hostile divorce is around $100k or more in lawyer's fees.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, that is what I'm keeping in my mind. Don't be a dick and give ammo given the feminist leaning judicial system. I'm "stashing" a retainer and doing some spending as required.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cordial until the papers are signed by her.

Once the ink is dry- logistics for the daughter only.

It’s important that you are seeing her for who she is and not what you want her to be.

The realization you will be free from this leach, is enlightening to say the least

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would have done the "I know"

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

In-laws are out. I don’t care what you think your relationship is with them. Do you really think they’d choose you over heir daughter? Think man, think.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are right. After I posted that I realized that I want it to be cordial through the process in order to minimize the drama.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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