Just got done with some verbal intercourse with the wife. Took awhile and by the end the conclusion I came to is that she's looking for "connection." Things that were said by her (her feelz) ----
- I'm only here for sex.
- It's my job to make meals and babysit the kids so you can do whatever you want (lately this includes lifting, guys nights, other activities outside the house -- my time outside the house has skyrocketed since pre RP)
- We don't have anything in common. It's like we're business partners and nothing more.
- I better not cross you or you'll make me feel small, no matter who is around (family, friends, kids) --- *context is that I've nuked a few things that were highly disrespectful. 3 times in 2 months but she remembers them vividly.
- You don't care about me. You only care about what I give you.
- Your view of women seems to have changed (it has - I was the biggest white knight on the block for the last 5 of our 10 years married. It was a cause I took up - pathetic and paying for it now)
The convo was painful but I did my best to listen and provide comfort. Fogged, used A&A, but couldn't really break out of the seriousness of the convo with any AM.
Near the end, I said about the only thing that seemed to "land" well which was "it sounds like we need to connect - let's do a puzzle tonight after the kids go to bed. I'll make milkshakes." I gave her a specific time and treated it like I've been treating other commitments I've been making lately to get out of the house more (guys nights, extra commitments at work, etc).
I think she's seen me go through this dread process and hasn't seen herself in any of my plans. So I made plans that included her and she lit up and looked relieved and happy. We shared a long hug after that. Comfort test passed (I think).
Fast forward 15 mins.
Context: we're still on a sex moratorium. During this moratorium it's been my intention to capitalize on the low pressure of other types of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc w no expectation of sex). She knows this, it's not covert.
So on my way out the door I go in to kiss her forehead and she pulls back and gives me a dry peck on the lips. I tell her, as I've told her before when she tries the pecks, "I save those for grandma" and emphasize that no kissing is better than those kinds of kisses. I do it in a playful way, not butt hurt. She reiterates her oft used "nothing is good enough for you" and walks away.
Afterwards we text for a bit - I tease about that kind of kissing, she says "I just won't even try anymore" to which I reply that I'd be happier if she doesn't try since I can sense the forced/fake nature of it. I kept the texts jovial and resolute -- sprinkled with an IDGAF/OI attitude.
Fast forward a few hours. She texted that she's looking forward to our date night tonight. I genuinely am as well but don't plan to text back.
Not sure whether to call all of this a success, failure, or somewhere in between. Happy that I am genuinely not feeling needy and am feeling confident standing my ground and expressing my desires unabashedly. And trying to be realistic about her not being attracted to me yet. I don't blame her. I fucked up for 10 years and these past 2 months can't even begin to unravel the shitty web I spun. I'm in this for the long haul.