Banning pecks + trying to connect

February 9, 2017

Just got done with some verbal intercourse with the wife. Took awhile and by the end the conclusion I came to is that she's looking for "connection." Things that were said by her (her feelz) ----

  1. I'm only here for sex.
  2. It's my job to make meals and babysit the kids so you can do whatever you want (lately this includes lifting, guys nights, other activities outside the house -- my time outside the house has skyrocketed since pre RP)
  3. We don't have anything in common. It's like we're business partners and nothing more.
  4. I better not cross you or you'll make me feel small, no matter who is around (family, friends, kids) --- *context is that I've nuked a few things that were highly disrespectful. 3 times in 2 months but she remembers them vividly.
  5. You don't care about me. You only care about what I give you.
  6. Your view of women seems to have changed (it has - I was the biggest white knight on the block for the last 5 of our 10 years married. It was a cause I took up - pathetic and paying for it now)

The convo was painful but I did my best to listen and provide comfort. Fogged, used A&A, but couldn't really break out of the seriousness of the convo with any AM.

Near the end, I said about the only thing that seemed to "land" well which was "it sounds like we need to connect - let's do a puzzle tonight after the kids go to bed. I'll make milkshakes." I gave her a specific time and treated it like I've been treating other commitments I've been making lately to get out of the house more (guys nights, extra commitments at work, etc).

I think she's seen me go through this dread process and hasn't seen herself in any of my plans. So I made plans that included her and she lit up and looked relieved and happy. We shared a long hug after that. Comfort test passed (I think).

Fast forward 15 mins.

Context: we're still on a sex moratorium. During this moratorium it's been my intention to capitalize on the low pressure of other types of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc w no expectation of sex). She knows this, it's not covert.

So on my way out the door I go in to kiss her forehead and she pulls back and gives me a dry peck on the lips. I tell her, as I've told her before when she tries the pecks, "I save those for grandma" and emphasize that no kissing is better than those kinds of kisses. I do it in a playful way, not butt hurt. She reiterates her oft used "nothing is good enough for you" and walks away.

Afterwards we text for a bit - I tease about that kind of kissing, she says "I just won't even try anymore" to which I reply that I'd be happier if she doesn't try since I can sense the forced/fake nature of it. I kept the texts jovial and resolute -- sprinkled with an IDGAF/OI attitude.

Fast forward a few hours. She texted that she's looking forward to our date night tonight. I genuinely am as well but don't plan to text back.

Not sure whether to call all of this a success, failure, or somewhere in between. Happy that I am genuinely not feeling needy and am feeling confident standing my ground and expressing my desires unabashedly. And trying to be realistic about her not being attracted to me yet. I don't blame her. I fucked up for 10 years and these past 2 months can't even begin to unravel the shitty web I spun. I'm in this for the long haul.

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Post Information
Title Banning pecks + trying to connect
Author stew7000
Upvotes 10
Comments 63
Date February 9, 2017 9:33 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
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