55yo, 6', 265lbs. If you want to know what I look like, look up 'career beta bitch' in the dictionary and that's my picture.

2nd marriage, 7 years, blended family; me 4 and her 3, none together. Most gone out the house.

Whatever. My point here is that I've known about the RP for years, but just a couple of weeks ago I found this community and decided to take it.

I've choked on it. I've tried to spit it out. I've started to swallow and told myself I'll just Cipher my way back to getting plugged in.

So now I've swallowed it, and I'm PISSED!! I mean, WTF?!?! I've blamed all my problems on my devil cock-sucking shit loser ex-wife. Until the mother I didn't talk to for 12 years up and died on me without saying good-bye in 2013. Until my two sons I had custody of went back to their mother because she bought them cars in 2014. Until I buried my 17yo son who died racing his BMW my ex-wife bought for him with MY child support $$ in 2015. Until my wife had an affair in 2016.

And so here I am, trying to own my shit. Knowing I, and I alone am responsible for my fucking life, and the overwhelming feeling that at 55yo, there's not a lot I can fucking change.

I can't say goodbye to my mom. I miss the fuck out of my kid. I'll never un-know my wife's affair. And I've been 75-125lbs overweight my whole life. I think I weighed like 80lbs when I was born.

I can lose weight. It's easy for me. Every time my diabetes flares up I lose 30lbs in 60 days, and slowly put it right back on.

My wife, except for her affair, is the most beautiful woman on earth to me. I read horror stories of what other women do, and except for her affair, she doesn't treat me badly. I don't get shit tests, she initiates sex, she asks for my advice, I mean, we get along...except for the affair.

I won't fuck her. I shit test her every 2 weeks and tell her I want a divorce for the last 9 months. I call our marriage counseling 'divorce' counseling and start every session asking if she's ready for a divorce. I don't know why she puts up with it. I'm an old, fat, uneducated truck driver making $65K a year. The only thing smaller than my bank account is my dick.

Her boyfriend for six months was a doctor. My wife is beautiful, a licensed Zumba instructor and Pilates instructor and very pretty. She does 12 exercise classes a week. She is the most beautiful woman I know over 40.

Her branch broke on her swing up. She denies it was anything more than an emotional affair. I hacked all 7 email accounts, read all her texts and whatsapps, recorded her phone conversations in our bedroom and her car. I only committed two felonies. The attorney says the only thing I can use are the bedroom conversations; she has no expectation of privacy from me in our bedroom. That's how all that shit ends up on YouTube. All that to say, there's not one shred of evidence she fucked him or blew him, only that they kissed. And I'm ready to throw away the marriage over that. Not that I've been worth much the last ~4 years.

So here I am. Choking on the red pill. Probably Cipher if I could, but know I can't. I'm FUCKING MAD AS HELL...at myself. And knowing I need to own my shit and get it together, I'm already using my age as an excuse.

My questions are, is this the anger 'phase'? Or do I have even more to look forward to?

What a fucking program. Where the fuck is Morpheus?

I know...sidebar.

Rational male...3x

NMMNG...2x

Way of Superior Man...3x

Reading posts here about 30 hours (took 2 days off)

All in the last three weeks.

More...obviously a lot more to do

Do I lift?

You bet your ass I do, about 5,000 calories a day from the table to my filthy pie hole. That's how losing weight is easy. I cut to 2,000 cal/day and I lose ~5lbs a week.

Fuck. I've been an ATM machine for 22 years. $1.3 MILLION dollars. All I have is a 13 year old car and everything that's MINE fits IN IT.

That's my rant. I'm just so fucking pissed.

Does it get any worse?