I think I've been losing focus lately. Quick recap: A few months ago I made a post on what was either really near to or was a main event, in which within a short time period I received an email from my wife stating that I've changed, that she doesn't know who the change is for, and that she thinks I may have checked out and am hanging around for the kids (2 and 4)...and then shortly after I put up a wall to a wife in bed who quickly oscillated between lashing out at me and then crying when I would not break frame. In response to this post, I got great advice from jacktenofhearts who made me see that her hamster was stuck in a maze with no way of getting out....that I had constructed a high quality frame of steel but would not let her inside, and that my response to her shit/comfort merry-go-round was weak at best because it did not include my vision (stonepimpletilist's coming to jesus speech). In short, she was freaking out at my increase in dread and IDGAF, but could not find a way to enter my vision, and I was not really giving her one either.

 

In the few months since then I have attempted to include her as part of my world more often. I felt that since we really don't have much in common or have things we like to do, that if I can develop some activities we can do together that we both enjoy that will give her an outlet to be closer to me. The problem is, by making a conscious effort to let he be a part of my world, I need to open up and engage and encourage her, and I believe she see's this as weakness on my part. For example: she has seen my increase in physical activity; whereas I used to simply run a lot and climb, now I've joined multiple sports teams, run, climb, and bike as well as lift the majority of the week and have a nutrition plan; and as a result she has started going to the gym and running herself and is attempting to follow some diet plan she's paying someone to make for her. Still, she will ask me about when to make a day a "high carb day" and "what can I eat I'm nearing my limit on fat/carbs/protein" and things like this. When I engage her to answer, it almost goes like that conversation you have when your wife asks "where do you want to go for dinner". IE, she talks back at me for my suggestions. Easy answer, it's her problem let her figure it out. But that flies in the face of me engaging and encouraging her to do it.

 

Another example: I love to cook. We used to watch Iron Chef all the time. So I got the idea of us spending some time together and in a comedic sort of way told her we are going to engage in an Iron Chef-like competition, there's no winner, but every other week one of us picks an ingredient, price, and date and we each make a dish using that ingredient. The first week went well...but the second it was her turn to set it up. I reminded her of this at the beginning of the week. She never spoke of it again. Now I'm not going to keep reminding her and beg and plead for her to do it. She needs to show an initiative if she wants to do it. By just ignoring it, she clearly shows by her actions she doesn't care. Am I hurt/angered by this? Honestly slightly, yeah. Do I think some small part of this anger stems from my thinking her not doing it is in some way a test to see how I'll respond when she doesn't follow my lead? Yeah. Did I go and pout about it to her? No. I go and make my meal anyway, and will continue to do it because I think it's fun, but just not include her in the future. Is this some covert contract of I'll set up an event for us, if you don't do it I'll get angry. Yes and I see that, but again that's my problem...I can NGAF, but if I want to include her in my world I have to GAF. It's almost like I say to myself “look I'm making an effort to include you...I dont have to, but I am and by you ignoring it I feel like I'm wasting my time/energy.”

 

But it finally clicked this week, mainly today (Saturday). Tuesday she worked so I did not see her all day. This Wednesday and Thursday I was out of the house pretty much the entire day. Both days had work, but following that were climbing and lifting, and soccer and post-soccer social at the bar. I actually had the thought that I had been away from her too much, possibly causing her to feel some dread from lack of my presence. Friday we went on a field trip as a family, and I made it a point to show her some affection, hold her hand, flirt with her, etc. We watched a cooking show that night and when that was over I slapped my leg and suggested she come on over and sit on my lap. She refused. I teased her and suggested a few more times, no dice. So I think okay...that tells me where I rank in her eyes right now, good to know. Then today she had been going back and forth with her mom about doing something with the kids tomorrow. I told her there was a fair tomorrow I was taking the kids to, and later said what time it was. Her reply was: "Okay well you figure it out with my mom then." This was when it clicked. At first I thought "you ass, I'm trying to help you out and you're telling me it's my problem now." But then I thought "you know what, you're right, it is my problem, why am I talking to you about it? I need to take command and solve shit myself...myself...I guess I'm not including you in planning now?"

 

So there it is. I feel like I should include her in my life more often so her hamster isn't stuck in the maze, but I feel like suggesting activities is met with her indifference, and talking about her initiatives is met with criticism. I feel like I should continue to up the dread because I'm receiving signs my value is still low, but I know that when I do up it and show IDGAF she feels like I'm not being inviting. I feel like I made such a strong showing of IDGAF a few months ago, that any effort I make to include her in my life she sees as an ideal place to "strike back" at me and try and regain some control. I cannot seem to find the correct balance. I know the easy answer is that I can be 80% happy by just doing me, but that if my goal is to foster a relationship with her where we can provide each other with value and companionship, that I need to give her the opportunity, but that she sees that as an opportunity to get back at me, rather than join me. I'm struggling to find the right balance.