First mate threatening to jump off

March 5, 2016
6 upvotes

Background.

I'm 38, my wife 34. We have a 14 month old child. I'm American, she's French, we live in an Asian country. I'm 175cm, 75kg.

I found the pill about 2 months ago. I've read through NMMNG, doing the activities and have formed a men's group to meet and talk. Currently reading WISNIFG. I've been doing stronglifts for 3 weeks. I have trouble discerning shit tests from comfort tests from genuine needs. Also, I have no fucking clue how to game my wife. I realize recently how little I touch her.

Since September, my wife has claimed to want to separate 4 times. The first 2 times this happened, it threw my world into a tailspin. Since reading and digesting the pill, I see things differently, but I am still not full RP because I am still scared of her emotional storms. Right now, the big reason for not wanting her to leave is my son. Like I said, we are from different countries, living in the Far East, and if we separate, I'm not sure how long she'll be in this country, and as of now, I don't know any way to keep her from leaving with him without my consent. This is the reason I want to keep her on the ship.

The first instance was predicated on her having a crush on someone else and wanting to fuck him. Of course, I set a hard boundary there, telling her to cut all contact, which she did. Subsequent snooping on my part has revealed no other signs of contact with this man or anyone else. I feel confident about this because my wife is not the sharpest tool in the shed and doubly dull when it comes to technology. The first instance for calling for separation was the only time that someone else was the reason, but she has had the i'm-not-attracted-to-you talk with me before. It hurt, but I get it, and I am taking action to better myself.

Yesterday, she says she's confused about staying or going. And I know I fail because I engage. I'm not very good at STFU. Also, I'm angry at her for being an entitled cunt, but mostly at myself for failing to be a good captain. So I enjoyed pointing out all the logical (yes, I know, pointless) reasons that she's acting like a spoiled teenager. Surprisingly, she agrees with some of what I have to say.

So on her way out today, she says something about trying to speak up for herself more often and maybe this will ease her urges to leave.

I told her that it was unacceptable for me, that I would not accept living with a woman who could go at any moment, when her hamster spins her some bullshit. Either she's leaving now or she's staying until the end of the year, my son's 2nd birthday, and then we can both reassess where we are and what we want out of the relationship. This sort of wishy washy blowing in the wind is not acceptable for me or for my son. I use the 2nd birthday of my son because it will give me time to fully digest the pill and become a better captain.

She said she will think about it and tell me on Monday. I said no, she can tell me on Sunday night. She agreed.

My question is...what the fuck am I doing?

I get that my mental readiness to next her is crucial to RP, but honestly b/c of my son and her potential to leave with him, that is the last thing I want. After RP, I understand that I cannot trust her to make the best decision for my son, which is to be near his father.

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Post Information
Title First mate threatening to jump off
Author -TheCaptain
Upvotes 6
Comments 38
Date March 5, 2016 4:53 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/first-mate-threatening-to-jump-off.207623
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4914h7/first_mate_threatening_to_jump_off/
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Comments

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I'm about 6 months into MRP, with things now on a good trajectory. I had a situation around 3 months ago were my wife was seriously threatening to leave. People here told me that it is extremely rare for a woman to leave an improving man and this was my experience. I think there are two related but distinct situations regarding women talking about leaving and its important to think about which one you're dealing with.

1) A wife uses divorce threats to intimidate a beta man into submission. This happens if the wife escalates quickly to divorce threats when a husband refuses to back down on something small. There is usually a pattern of this for years pre-mrp and this looks like an overt power struggle. This was my situation. This is fixed by refusing to be intimidated by the divorce threats and calling her bluff. This doesn't really sound like what you wrote, but consider it.

2) A wife starts looking to leave a consistently low SMV man. She will start looking to run to other men. Talking about trial separations. This sounds more like your situation. If the man then reacts with a further display of low value (OMG please don't leave, I'll be nothing without you) she will continue on her way out the door. But if he reacts with good captaining, OI, strength and other DHVs then there's a chance. This sounds like what you're doing. I agree with Over60 (a solid voice you should listen to) that her new confusion about going is progress.

I would try to focus on displaying high value whenever you can. Lifting, fixing things, good captaining, leading and sorting things out for the family. For a woman with a small child these oak moves will be important. Also, whatever you do, don't react to anything with an emotional, fearful, broken frame, blue pill reaction. This is the behavior she is running from. If you stop doing it, she'll probably stay.

I told her that it was unacceptable for me, that I would not accept living with a woman who could go at any moment, when her hamster spins her some bullshit. Either she's leaving now or she's staying until the end of the year, my son's 2nd birthday, and then we can both reassess where we are and what we want out of the relationship. This sort of wishy washy blowing in the wind is not acceptable for me or for my son.

This sounds like a good start if you delivered it with strength and authority (and not whining, desperate, victimhood). Also, I'm not sure how fast you've been escalating the Alpha behaviors around taking charge, but you might to be really sure to balance it with more good beta/oak moves. Still maintain frame, but react to a shit test with A&A instead of nuking it. Refuse obvious compliance tests, but make sure to do it without aggression, and also be sure to take control or a situation and deliver a solution to a problem she's had shortly thereafter. Show her DHVs of alpha and beta.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the words. I think you're right that my situation falls more into category 2.

When this all started, my wife complained of me being too intense, too serious. And I took that feedback and loosened up. I probably still have some way to go, but I am focused on being more light-hearted.

I did deliver it in a strong way, with authority.

Refuse obvious compliance tests, but make sure to do it without aggression

This is where I need to focus, I think. Her complaints have been that my standards are too high, that I'm too high-strung, that I'm too serious. She wants me to be more playful and light. Honestly, so do I. Since my son was born, I've been on edge, trying to be vigilant about making healthy choices to give him the best environment that I can. I see that I've gone too far and I'm making efforts to chill the fuck out in some areas. A&A is what I need, but I'm not sure how to do it convincingly b/c inside I sometimes still feel like a Rage Volcano.

Lift, fix shit, and A&A. Any other tips?

Thanks a lot!

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret4 points5 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

my wife complained of me being too intense, too serious. Her complaints have been that my standards are too high, that I'm too high-strung, that I'm too serious. inside I sometimes still feel like a Rage Volcano.

What are you angry about?

What are you keeping score on?

What did you take personally in the past that you are still holding on to?

What did someone not do in the past that you found unacceptable?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes. OP this ^

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, I'll focus on this.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

But OP, do you understand why your anger directly causes your powerlessness and why letting go of it is the path to strength? The pattern is always the same. With anger, I blame someone else (wife) for something I feel (my ego being threatened by her criticism). I label her an entitled cunt to focus attention on her and not my failed management. When I get angry I intrinsically and voluntarily give her the power to threaten me (my peace of mind) and I deny my power to govern my life (by choosing my reaction or my wife). Anger feels like a strong path when the alternative is fear, but it abdicates my power by adopting victimhood and externalizing blame for the situation. The path of strength is ownership, admitting mistakes and change. You chose an entitled cunt as a wife - fix it or choose a different wife. She doesn't fuck you because you have not made yourself attractive - fix it and become attractive. She fucks with you because you act like a weak man with no power and her feminine nature is disgusted by this - own everything and manage well from a position of strength. This has very little to do with her, which is great news for you because when you own all of this its within your power to fix. Throw away the old tools (anger, fear, blame, DEERing, rationalizing) that don't work. Use the tools you find here (ownership, STFU, OI, oak moves) that do.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is deep.

I get it intellectually. In the heat of the moment, I'm not sure. I imagine it's a slow process of becoming more aware of my reactions so that I can eventually stop them before they start?

Am I missing something? This feels very heady, but I think that's not enough to actually make a difference in my life.

So by choosing to release anger, even the anger towards myself, I'm empowered to make more manly choices because I've not switched into a reactive mode that transfers my power to another. Is that about right?

Damn. I see it, I get it. Time to do it.

[–]cj_aubreyRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This feels very heady, but I think that's not enough to actually make a difference in my life.

Yes, you are correct. You can understand this intellectually, even believe if philosophically, but that doesn't mean you experience it and internalize it. I can give you a process for that, but it won't be easy. From the start lets be clear that the objective is to identify whatever anger you have, use that identification to learn about unhelpful approaches of the past, let go of the anger and grow in the direction of strong, powerful masculinity that you see here. The process is as follows.

Step 1: Make a spreadsheet with four columns

Column 1) What did she do that you're angry about? Nothing counts here but honesty. If you're angry about something she did, write it down. Don't worry about whether you should be angry, or if its silly or childish. Write it down. But this has to be physical actions that she took. No labels like "she was being a cunt". What did she actually do? If you have something where you're angry but she took no physical action, you need to ask yourself where that came from. Complete this column totally before going on to the rest. List all things you're angry about.

Column 2) What was threatened? You cannot be angry without something you care about being threatened by something external. Next to each item from column 1, write down what her actions threatened. A list to start with is ego, financial security, sex, friendships, other relationships, career, relationships with your kids.

Column 3) Your part in it. Ignore her behavior entirely. We are trying to fix you. For each item from column 1, what did you do, or fail to do, as a part of each of those incidents to bring them about. It takes 2 to tango OP. What did you do that fell short of the standards of behavior of good captaining?

Column 4) What should I have done, owned or been on top of. This is plan for the future. I'll give you a hint here. This will generally involve you owning a part of your life that you felt was threatened (from Column 2) that you previously blamed her for fucking up. The men here can provide you a good set of tools for owning or managing almost any element of you male life here. Ask people.

I'll help you with a couple of these.

Row 1 - Sex

Column 1) I'm angry because my wife doesn't fuck me as much as I want.

Column 2) This threatens my ego and my sex life.

Column 3) I did not make myself attractive. I displayed low value. I got fat. I tried to obligate and berate her into giving me starfish sex. I whined and got butthurt when I got rejected. lots more here.

Column 4) I should have made myself attractive, studied game, displayed high value, dreaded my wife and owned my attractiveness like a man.

Row 2 - Shit testing

Column 1) I'm angry because my wife criticizes me over stupid shit and doesn't respect me.

Column 2) This threatens my ego.

Column 3) I am too intimidated and hurt by her criticism to respond with strength to these shit tests. In the past I responded to shit testing with weakness and invited more shit testing. I failed to manage things that she criticized me for.

Column 4) I should have made myself attractive, studied shit test responses and treated her like a bratty little sister.

Step 2: Gain insight

Review your list. Ask yourself the following questions.

  • What patterns do I see? Look for covert contracts.

  • What am I letting her decide in my head? Whether I should feel bad about myself? Use the ideas from WISNIFG.

  • Do you recognize any patterns of behavior from the home you grew up in?

  • Where do you still see blue pill thinking and behavior?

  • Are there areas of life where you see a lot of anger? These are the areas you need to look hard at fixing.

  • Is your wife the first women you've had these problems with? If she's not, then she's not the one causing the problem.

  • Do you understand why your wife behaved the way she did and AWALT? By this time you will probably see that you have very, very little reason to be angry at her.

Other people here can probably come up with better questions than I can.

Step 3: Make it real

Go take you list and read it to a close mouthed, sensible person. Maybe your minister, uncle or male friend. I don't know why, but something about doing this will cause you to totally accept everything on the list. Unless they are red pill themselves they will probably tell you a bunch of things are not your fault. Don't listen to them. You are not doing this to seek they counsel, only their presence.

Step 4: Living Right

Live your life as a strong man and a good husband who doesn't blame anyone for anything. Stop doing everything in Column 2. Start doing and owning all of the things in the 4th column. Read the content here. People have written about how to manage most things. Give your wife the man she has always dreamed about and if she doesn't respond, give your next wife the man she has always dreamed about.

By the time you finish this process you will have let go of your anger on almost everything. If there is anything that remains, message me. There are a couple other things you can do, but they're more extreme and the above works on most things.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow, thanks so much, cj_aubry. I am humbled by your commitment to help me. I'll make the spreadsheet now, and put your plan into action. This anger thing is a big issue for me. I've always tried to play it off, to pretend to not be angry, but it leaks out when I'm not paying attention. I'm starting to think that this may be a major cause of my failure to properly captain.

Even when I was a kid, I had an "Irish temper".

Again, many thanks.

[–]ThatPlayaKilo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Becoming aware of your mistakes is a step on the right path.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd tell you to meditate and find inner calm. The rage is unnecessary, normal but unnecessary. It signifies an inability or lack of desire to master yourself.

If you cannot master yourself then how can you master your environment or other people. Allow the rage to happen b it understand it happens to you but does not control you.

[–]pullypants1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like you're lucky enough that she's actually telling you what she wants, unhappy partners often don't, and will just begin to stonewall you out to make the separation easier.

Women still want fun, feelz, laughs. Treat her like a kid sister, play with her, piss her around, make her call you a dickhead for fucking around with her. Don't listen to her words, pay attention to what she does.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cheers.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My question is...what the fuck am I doing?

Failing to acknowledge that this is your fault.
 

I have no fucking clue how to game my wife. I realize recently how little I touch her.

You fail to make her feel desirable. Why did she marry you in the first place? Were you like this when you met?
 

she has had the i'm-not-attracted-to-you talk with me before

You're failing to engage her body and mind. Look in the mirror - are you fuckable? Do you know how to flirt? How's your body language? Are you a poorly dressed, skinny fat loser? Would you fuck you?
 

This sort of wishy washy blowing in the wind is not acceptable for me or for my son

She sees that you're capable of being a man, but she's disgusted that you haven't been a man up to this point. I'm disgusted with you, and I've never even met you.
 
She needs you to take charge and man up. She can't do it for you. You're lucky she has been so patient. She's communicating covertly and probably sucks at being assertive. When you're done with WISNIFG, hand it to her.
 

I am still scared of her emotional storms

Practice the skills from WISNIFG. Her feelings are hers to manage. Stand your ground in an assertive way. You should eventually read read How to Win Friends and Influence People after you have mastered the skills from WISNIFG. Practice those skills everywhere.
 

I'm angry at her for being an entitled cunt

She's entitled to be with a man who makes her feel like a desirable and lucky woman. You're not it. You are (or should be) angry only at yourself and your lack of relationship skills.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Failing to acknowledge that this is your fault.

You're right. Intellectually, I can say that I understand this leadership, alpha attraction dynamic, but experientially, I have little idea of what I'm doing, and a part of me has a problem with accepting responsibility for someone else's behavior. I want to believe that I am connecting and communicating with her mind, that there's a rational person in there who will make a logically sound decision. But I do understand that's not the case most times.

There's still some doubt about the red pill. I've read enough here to believe that many people do have success with it, but to apply it to myself--that my failure to lead my self, my wife and my life has led to her being so unattracted to me that she can't help but look for the next branch--is still difficult for me to swallow. I find it difficult to admit to myself.

Why did she marry you in the first place? Were you like this when you met?

When we met, I was a IDGAF traveler doing what and going where I wanted. Very OI and carefree about the material world. I didn't have much, but I experienced much more. That continued for the first few years--we traveled together, lived in other countries together, but somewhere along the way, I focused less on my nomadic lifestyle and more on growing roots in a place, developing long-term projects and plans. So the short answer is no, I wasn't always so clueless on how to live my life.

You're failing to engage her body and mind. Look in the mirror - are you fuckable? Do you know how to flirt? How's your body language? Are you a poorly dressed, skinny fat loser? Would you fuck you?

Fuckable? Honestly, yes. I'm improving, but my body was never that bad. I have a nice ass. I'm handsome. There are two attractive women who I know want to fuck me. It helps that where I live, being white and therefore different, gives me a locally higher SMV. And our sex life has never been so bad that we don't have sex for months.

But can I be better? Absolutely. And that's what I'm working towards.

Flirting? Damn, I do when IDGAF. But if I'm attracted to someone or if I care about an outcome, I'm all knees and elbows. Which is ironic. I guess I have mastered the power of ironic flirting--I'm awesome at it if I'm not interested in you.

Poorly dressed? Yes. Not holey jeans and ripped T-shirts, but I can definitely dress better. Does this mean dress shirts and slacks? When I hear the advice to dress better, that's what I see, which I'm OK with, but maybe you or someone else has a different POV.

She sees that you're capable of being a man, but she's disgusted that you haven't been a man up to this point. I'm disgusted with you, and I've never even met you.

This was hard to read. I think that's because it's true. I will do better.

You're lucky she has been so patient.

This is helpful.

She's entitled to be with a man who makes her feel like a desirable and lucky woman. You're not it. You are (or should be) angry only at yourself and your lack of relationship skills.

Processing...

Thanks a lot for the feedback, IrateMD. I appreciate you taking the time.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There's still some doubt about the red pill.

There will be value in some of the content, and other parts won't apply. Some stuff is contradictory, because it's really just a giant set of observations of common behaviors from a bunch of random guys. Does it work? Do tools work? Most tools work, but you have to use the right tool for the job.
 

I want to believe that I am connecting and communicating with her mind, that there's a rational person in there who will make a logically sound decision.

Love, attraction, and arousal are not logical. They can't be negotiated.
 

part of me has a problem with accepting responsibility for someone else's behavior

You can't control her, but people respond to their environment. If you change, then her responses to you will change. All people are like that. So, take the focus off her, shed the victim mentality, and fix yourself.
 

Does this mean dress shirts and slacks?

This is individualized. If you're a biker, you wear cool looking biker stuff. If you're a rock star, you wear crazy fashion. You customize to your lifestyle, but upgrade. It doesn't have to be upgraded cost, just a better look for you.
 

I focused less on my nomadic lifestyle and more on growing roots in a place, developing long-term projects and plans.

Start having fun again, on your terms.
 
 
Edit: autocorrect wasn't correct

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Most tools work, but you have to use the right tool for the job.

Agreed. So it's just a matter of me getting my head around the different tools, how they work, and when best to use them.

Love, attraction, and arousal are not logical. They can't be negotiated.

I get it. I do. Until recently, I believed that the conscious commitment we made to each other would trump any inclinations that were deleterious to our relationship. I see now I was believing like an idiot.

Start having fun again, on your terms.

I do have lots of fun. I'm an improviser, and I tell people that improv is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. But when it's just her and I, I often forget or 'drop out of' that fun, playful state. It's as if when I'm with her, my stereotyped idea of husband and man come to the forefront, and they suck. No fun at all.

Thanks again for all your input.

[–]SexistFlyingPig2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Keep lifting. You're not as hot as you could be.

Lots and lots and lots of couples break up when their first child turns 2. Probably a combination of hormones and looking at the world differently. Maybe she could handle your weaknesses when it was just her, but now she has a child to care for too. None of this is particularly logical, but it is what it is.

She needs to have confidence in you that you can handle all the shit that you're going to have to handle to keep the family safe.

You lifting speaks to that need for her. So fucking go lift.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I will keep lifting. I remember how much I love it. I'm starting to feel strong again.

Any other ideas on how to speak to that need?

Thanks for the feedback.

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Maintaining frame is really important. This means that she stays in your world view, seeing things your way, following your lead. When you come home and are afraid of her leaving, you're probably falling into her frame.

You are the rock that she has to be confident enough to hang on to. This is what shit tests are all about: She wants to know that you can handle the petty shit she throws at you. She expects you to be able to handle it, and when you DON'T, it makes her uncertain that you are a fit mate. All this crap is lizard-brain stuff. It's not conscious thought, it's not even subconscious thought, it's instinct.

Emotional fitness and physical fitness are all she's really looking for. You want to know how short fat balding guys are successful with women? Indefatigable frame. She doesn't want someone who can empathize with her. She might say that she does, but she doesn't. She's probably got lots of girlfriends, or did at one point. What she wants from you is for you to be a man, a man that she can brag to her friends about.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Thank you.

I'm still getting my head around this idea of frame. I can see it in other people's relationships much easier than I can in my own.

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's subtle, and it's a game that women play from the time they are very little. It's the manipulation game. There are a couple of good videos, by women, that explain how women think and what they do.

I can't find the exact part that I'm remembering. I think it was from feminism lol. The gist of it is a little girl playing with dolls. One of the dolls asks another doll if she wants to be friends. The other doll says "sure". Then the first doll says, "come to my house for a party". The second doll says, "Um, I'm not sure if I want to." "But you're my friend, and friends should hang out together." "Um, ok".

This is a game that a little girl was playing by herself, at 5 years old. Do you think guys are wired for this kind of manipulation?

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Have you even studied Shit Tests and how to respond to them?

See my book and podcasts 3, 4, and 9.

https://bluepillprofessor.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/hello-world/

[–]Redneck001Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Become attractive to women, be comfortable in their presence, and stop giving any fucks about your wife's bullshit. She threatens to go? See ya, my son stays with me.

Its really that simple.

My question is...what the fuck am I doing?

What you're doing is trying to placate your wife. Fuck that. Improve yourself.

I'm not very good at STFU. Also, I'm angry at her for being an entitled cunt, but mostly at myself for failing to be a good captain. So I enjoyed pointing out all the logical (yes, I know, pointless) reasons that she's acting like a spoiled teenager. Surprisingly, she agrees with some of what I have to say.

FFS, STFU! You enjoy engaging a woman (who's admittedly not attracted to you) in logical discussions? Yep, you nailed it, pointless.

Don't waste time with pointless shit.

It hurt, but I get it, and I am taking action to better myself.

What actions are you taking?

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What you're doing is trying to placate your wife.

You're absolutely right, and since reading NMMNG, I see my approval seeking and caretaking. The other day, I was in a great mood specifically because she was in a good mood. Objectively, I could see what I was doing. I felt like a little kid, happy that his mom isn't being unstable. I fucking hate that about myself. It makes me want to vomit.

What actions are you taking?

I am lifting. I am reading. I am meditating. I am pursuing an independent business venture.

I need to take better care of the house.

Thanks for the help.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Since September, my wife has claimed to want to separate 4 times. The first 2 times this happened

It is quite a jolt when you get hit suddenly and hard with HER unhappiness.

she has had the i'm-not-attracted-to-you talk with me before.

You know that she is not attracted to you, and…..

I am taking action to better myself.

You have started to do the things a man needs to do to improve…..

Yesterday, she says she's confused about staying or going. And I know I fail because I engage.

A woman will stay with a low SMV man (in her view) that is improving. Conversely, she is likely to leave a high value man that is losing ground. So take her statements as positive feedback.

You already know that you are talking way too much. This is especially hard when you are clouded with anger, and fear. Read the WIKI about the anger phase, it may help you understand it better. My anger phase held me back for months, but I'm old and stupid. Understanding it will not cure it, that takes time. In that time you need to work harder at not engaging your LTR, or STFU. They are born red pill ninjas. Whatever you say, can and will be used against you and it isn't pretty.

The fear you deal with is a little harder. You can't control her, but you are afraid of losing access to your son. Just a suggestion, can you get her passport and hide it for now?

Losing the attraction of our LTR's is more common than piss on this sub. If you can start taking control of the beta mindset of placating her and trying to talk logic to her, it gets better.

The other fear is what we call frame. She is leading the charge and is putting you in her frame. Getting control of yourself is hard but it can be done. I know it sounds simple, but a little meditation or self hypnosis can help you regain the peace of mind, or presence you need to keep yourself under control.

Your final question is what the fuck are you doing. You are doing a lot right, and you have a good idea of what you need to do better. Keep working. Don't forget that you are working to improve you, to make your self attractive to women, not just your LTR. You are the prize.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thanks a lot. I'll keep reading and learn to STFU.

As for the passport, I'll keep it in mind. If I take that action now, it will nuke everything, and we're not there yet. Also, after checking with some friends, it may be possible to block my son from exiting the country without my written permission. Once I verify this, I will feel much more comfortable with the whole thing.

Losing the attraction of our LTR's is more common than piss on this sub. If you can start taking control of the beta mindset of placating her and trying to talk logic to her, it gets better.

I do hope it gets better. She has many redeeming qualities. Also, I bang my head against the wall trying to talk sense into her. And before RP, I was ready to pull my hair out. But I am slowly accepting that most times, she is not capable of making rational choices that are contrary to her current emotional state.

The other fear is what we call frame. She is leading the charge and is putting you in her frame. Getting control of yourself is hard but it can be done. I know it sounds simple, but a little meditation or self hypnosis can help you regain the peace of mind, or presence you need to keep yourself under control.

This week, I started a morning routine that includes 10 minutes of mediation. Any suggestions for self-hypnosis?

Your final question is what the fuck are you doing. You are doing a lot right, and you have a good idea of what you need to do better. Keep working. Don't forget that you are working to improve you, to make your self attractive to women, not just your LTR. You are the prize.

Thanks for that. I'll keep working. The lifting is great. I used to lift a lot with my dad. He's a power lifter. And technique and form are coming back so easily. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it.

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Taking her passport is lame and most likely criminal. Get your son's passport.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're right.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Much better idea.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Every other poster has added value to you. IrateMD is spot on telling it like it is. Keep your anger/ego in check and it keeps getting better, regardless of what happens with your LTR.

Iron sharpens Iron.

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agreed.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Girls love their social networks. You've basically upended her from one.

Right now she's looking for leadership, and a replacement for it. Either lead her to that place, or let her go

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You've basically upended her from one.

Do you mean that my failure to lead has upended the social network that is our marriage?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No, the move. I'm dealing with the same on a cross country move.

It's just wondering to be aware of

[–]-TheCaptain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Since we've been together, we've been on the move. For the first 7 years of our relationship, the longest we stayed in any one country was a year, and that was long.

Now, we've been in this country nearly 5 years, this city nearly 5 years! It's long for us, but if anything, we have more of a social network than we've ever had. This putting down of roots has also been tough for both of us as individuals because we were so nomadic before.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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