[FR] STFU, just STFU

Red-Curious · 2018-05-15T16:08:26+00:00

Less is more. In these types of arguments, the reason NI is one of my favorite WISNIFG tactics is because it's a lot like a cross-examination in court. It's a guaranteed way to avoid DEERing because you never make an argument yourself - you let the other person do it for you. I follow what's known as the Pozner Cross, which is summarized pretty well here.

Here's how this plays out in a marriage:

Be Brief. This isn't about getting all your feels on the table. It's about bringing closure to a conflict. You can get your feels out in the bedroom.
Be Selective. Pick your battles. If her position isn't hurting your interests, no sense fighting against it. Or if your position won't benefit from asking the question or making a statement, don't do it.
Use Plain Words. Don't try to be Einstein. If she doesn't understand what you're asking, she'll start asking you questions back which makes you lose control in the argument.
Ask Only Leading Questions. Never ask an open-ended question, only yes-or-no questions. In WISNIFG's NI terms, instead of asking "Why is it bad that I __?" you switch it to, "Is bad to __?" It cuts off her and shows that the conclusion matters more than the hamstering or excuses to try to get around the conclusion.
Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. Asking questions to discover answers implies there might be unknown legitimacy to what she's saying. If you're in discovery mode, go for it. In a conflict, you're not trying to discover new information - you're trying to put the matter to rest.
Listen to the Answer. You know where you want the conversation to end. But she might say something that helps you get there faster. Pay attention to visual cues as well, as I often find that my wife doesn't even believe what she's saying, she just wants to argue a point so she doesn't feel like a total idiot for being wrong. Let her make her point and fog with any validity in it, but go back to your broken record and negative inquiry.
Do Not Quarrel. Basically no DEERing or tit for tat exchanges. Even more important: No editorializations. Editorializations are opinions that comment on a position. If she makes a dumb argument, don't call it a dumb argument. That's just your opinion and obviously not hers. Don't do that. There's very little room for adjectives in conflict.
Do Not Permit the Witness to Explain. This is kind of the whole point of the Pozner cross. The stereotypical example is a string of questions: "It was dark out, right? There were no street lights? You didn't have a flash light? You didn't even have your phone with you?" Then stop. Because inevitably every young attorney wants to ask the next question, "So how could you see what happened?" And the answer will come blaring through: "Because it was a bright full moon and I had full vision." I've often found that if I ask my wife pointed questions about what she's saying without giving her a chance to provide her own explanation, she eventually gives up on her explanation before she even gives it. The matter is over and I've won her respect because she sees that I know what I'm talking about, but I didn't force my opinion on her - I just asked her questions to get to the bottom of the best conclusion. Of course, if she is right, then there's no conflict in the first place. Why would I fight against what I know is right?
Do not ask the witness to repeat the testimony given on direct. This is all that, "Didn't you just say __?" nonsense that people love to use. You don't ask them what they said. You tell them what they said, "Just a bit ago you said _. Just now you said __. Am I correct in understanding that you changed your mind?" This isn't accusing her of being contradictory - it's giving her an out to take whichever option you want her to take and not look like an idiot for doing so. Again, the best strategy for resolving conflict isn't to win an argument; it's to make the other side think there's no point in arguing anyway because your way was always going to be the right way and they're the good guy for finally realizing it. I've actually settled cases mid-trial because of cross-examination like this.
Limit Questioning. Covered above.
Save the Explanation for Summation. In law, this functions as, "Don't explain yourself until closing arguments." In marriage, since you're the judge and not the attorney, it translates simply to, "Don't explain yourself at all." You just say, "Thanks for all of your insights. I appreciate what you've said. Here's what we're going to do going forward ..."

Of course, the major difference between marriage conflict and court conflict is that if done correctly your wife won't feel like she's being cross-examined. Court is adversarial. Conflict within a marriage should take away the adversarial feeling. If one takes on the frame of "judge" in those moments (per one of my past MRP posts), it's not "me against you" - it's "I respect your authority, am making a request, and am happy to answer any questions that will help you make a wise and informed decision."

If you can elicit that attitude, you can do no wrong. If you agree she is right, then you are humble enough to account for the insights of your helper. If you go your own way, then you're a strong man who knows how to say no to get what he wants. That's a win-win.

ReddJive · 2018-05-15T15:05:11+00:00

oh yeah. I've done this. Want a real cringe worthy show? Go back and watch home movies of yourself.

Jesus christ that is an eye opener.

Persaeus · 2018-05-15T16:02:37+00:00

canceling kids practices due to STAAR tests this week

curious as to what one has to do with the other? cancelling practice to cram for a school board standardized test?

Title	[FR] STFU, just STFU
Author	red-sfpplus
Upvotes	27
Comments	32
Date	May 15, 2018 3:01 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8jm8xx/fr_stfu_just_stfu/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/fr-stfu-just-stfu.204491 https://theredarchive.com/post/204491