Gut feeling she's cheating, but no proof

October 26, 2016
6 upvotes

EDIT:Thank you all for your responses. This has helped me tremendously. I have been struggling so bad with this, and I realize now that I'm being a big pussy, and I need to just focus on the MAP. I'm not going to do any investigating. I've already done a shit ton, and found absolutely nothing. I'm tired of beating myself up and wearing myself down with this thing. I have the live an awesome life, and it starts today

I posted one other time about this, and there were very mixed reactions and opinions. I get it that I need to work on MAP and SMV and focus on myself, but I have a ways to go to be there. I DO GAF, unfortunately.

She travels a lot, and she's gone most of the week, and we mainly see each other on weekends. I've had this nagging feeling she's been cheating, and it just won't go away. Still, I have absolutely no proof. It's possible, if she is cheating, it's with someone at work or on work trips, so they'd only talk in person - probably someone also in an LTR or marriage. That way, there would be absolutely no electronic trials whatsoever. But, this is all just gut feelings, or maybe just fear from my head.

I've read all the sidebar and I'm even starting to see some dread working. Sex has been better in general, but recently she dried up on me pretty good as I've been doing a lot of shit for her and her family. I'm doing it because I want to, but I fear that she sees it as me going back to my old beta ways. I see it though, and she is in for a rude awakening if she things I'm going back to errand boy again. LOL

Anyway, about a week ago, she took a shower in the morning, and then when she came home from work, I smelled sweat on her shoulder when I hugged her. She never sweats. I thought that was strange, but I didn't say anything. Then, she goes into the bathroom and washes up a whole bunch. Then, she comes to bed and lays on me for a while. Then, she goes and takes her 2nd shower of the day. The following morning, she takes another shower. So, that's 3 showers in a 24 hour period. I took her panties and put them in a plastic bag, and I was going to test them for semen. But, after researching those semen testing kits, I came to the conclusion they are not reliable, so I didn't.

So, in a couple weeks, I'm supposed to join her on a business trip. My plan is to show up a day or 2 early, and use GPS to see what she's up to, or just show up in her room unannounced.

Shit, as I type this I feel like a crazy person, like the psycho in that Julia Robert's movie where she faked her own death to get away from the guy. I don't want to be that guy, but I think I need to do due diligence to get some piece of mind. And, YES, I am prepared mentally to accept if there is anything.

Another thing that happened, is she went out of her way to show me that she had a meeting with a guy I always suspected there was a mutual crush , or more. The guy used to work for her, but he doesn't anymore, and the meeting title said "catch up with Joe." I felt like it was a shit test, and it caught me off guard. I failed, although I have been passing most tests with STFU.

So far, it's been just a lot of little circumstantial stuff, but after reading Rollo's latest post, I wonder if they are what he calls "breadcrumbs." Little pieces of evidence she allows me to see to put the puzzle together and let me become pissed enough to just end it. I will not do that without concrete proof. One time, we got so close to divorce that I was about to go to the bank to start splitting assets. But, she would only go along with it if it was my choice or idea, and she wouldn't make the call, which also goes along with Rollo's hamster theory.

I'm just so tired of checking stuff - it's fucking exhausting, but I can't stop myself. I need to find out soon one way or the other.

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Post Information
Title Gut feeling she's cheating, but no proof
Author Matrix_observer
Upvotes 6
Comments 78
Date October 26, 2016 4:39 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/gut-feeling-shes-cheating-but-no-proof.206953
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/59fq56/gut_feeling_shes_cheating_but_no_proof/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Hahaha dude take a reread of your post. IF you're not a troll this is fucking pathetic. TEST HER PANTIES? Jesus.

You say you read but you haven't internalized a thing. You are completely reactionary.

GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL:

If she is going to cheat...there's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing Brad Pitt can do about his girl (yeah i know). There's nothing Chad Thundercock can do about his girl. It's just your turn...and you will go on living an awesome value filled life with or without her. Well, not YOU you....since it doesnt sound like you have much value yet. Get to work on that.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Great advice! Coming from someone who has been dealing with these issues for years pre-RP, your advice is solid.

Same exact advice I got from my EAP counselor, if she's going to do it then she's going to do it. If she does she will eventually fuck up and you'll find out. And guess what, you'll leave her and be just fine without her. No point in stressing about it in the meanwhile. Live your life, work on you. You'll be fine with or without her.

This shit has been a monkey on my back for almost a decade. RP and seeing a counselor finally has me realizing that it DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. AWALT. All I can control is ME, not her.

I secretly think my guy might be very RP himself. A lot of the advice given sounds straight out of the sidebar materials.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Love this , thanks

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you have an EAP program through your employer I'd highly recommend speaking to someone about it. Took me almost 10 years to realize I needed help dealing with it. Every year it gets harder, you just get more and more paranoid constantly looking for signs even when none are present. Is that really how you want to live? Constantly checking up on what your wife is up to?

Aside from RP, what really snapped me out of it was my counselor telling me "The treatment for your insecurities is exactly the same as for any other phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder or SCHIZOPHRENIA! When you start thinking about it, just STOP, and think about something else. ANYTHING else."

That's when I realized just how much of a fucking nut case I was behaving like. When he told me it was the same treatment as schizophrenia. Knocked me out of it pretty damn quick. Still a struggle to stop, but at the end of the day if I keep working on ME, it doesn't matter WTF she does.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know I need help. I started seeing a counselor, but she was shitty so I only went one time. I'm not making excuses. I need to find a better counselor ASAP

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yeah I need a lot more work, and I knew what you said, just have to internalize it

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If only there was a roadmap.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You knew what I said. Listen to that inner voice. A lot of the time it'll tell you when you're doing/thinking something stupid. Your ego has done a great job shutting it down for years because (ego): "youre special not stupid!" But when you get that feeling, bring it to the front of your mind and analyze it. Think "hey I'm getting that kinda queasy kinda something isn't right with me feeling...let me think about what I'm doing here".

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You took the words out of my mouth.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

< Hahaha dude take a reread of your post. IF you're not a troll this is fucking pathetic. TEST HER PANTIES? Jesus. You say you read but you haven't internalized a thing. You are completely reactionary. GET IT THROUGH YOUR SKULL: If she is going to cheat...there's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing Brad Pitt can do about his girl (yeah i know). There's nothing Chad Thundercock can do about his girl. It's just your turn...and you will go on living an awesome value filled life with or without her. Well, not YOU you....since it doesnt sound like you have much value yet. Get to work on that.

There is a reason this is the top post. Thank you.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Here's the question you need to answer:

Why the fuck are you not happy as shit to replace her with something younger, and happier with your dick?

You need a frame, and some worth. Her cheating is only putting a mirror

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (15 children) | Copy Link

Here's the truth - she makes a shit ton of $, and my job sucks right now. But I could do pretty well splitting the assets, and yes I know I can get better pussy. I get ioi everywhere

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

uh huh

Ironwood brings up a good praxeology, this is a trend that isn't going away. TRP deals with it by understanding that financial provision is not the means from which men derive their ability to secure commitment.

My guess, you don't look hawt, you don't fuck her right, you don't have a mission, abundance, or offer anything beyond your salary, that she does not need.

Cheating isn't your issue, you are

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Pretty sure I look Hawt , and fuck her right (due to RP) But mission and Abundance, need work for sure

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

If you did, she wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

You can buillshit yourself, don't try to bullshit me

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

That's the thing. After reading this thread, and seeing other people's comments in my comments, I no longer think she is looking elsewhere. I've just been a big fat pussy and her frame. Today is a new day and my eyes have been opened .At the risk of sounding like a pussy, believe it or not, this is been so eye-opening I feel like crying right now

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Maybe, maybe not. Point is, the fact that's treated as dread, and not a gift to go get a younger one is what I would work on

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think I got myself a good one, and I don't want to screw it up. I'm thinking it's fear-based since I've been cheated on and over and over since the age of 15.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Also, don't be so quick to dismiss this. Your instincts have been honed for generations... If you think something is amiss, it sometimes is.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I figure all I can do is give her the benefit of the doubt and work on myself. If something is amiss, it will come out sooner or later

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Dude, you put her panties in a ziplock bag. Think about that. I mean wtf? Can a man get more pathetic than being reduced to such a thing? Wake up

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lol fuck that was just a wake up call. It's so fucking pathetic now that I think about it

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

New guys would be surprised what cave man fucking your wife can accomplish.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude, you're a faggot. You're only staying with this woman because she makes money. And then you obsess about her cheating. You need to get a fucking life. Fine, being a man isn't all about making a good living. But at the very least you have to have control of your emotions. And being a tool who digs through the laundry for dirty panties is the pussiest thing you can do.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to occupy your time better or your mind will run rampant. But, if it's driving you crazy, sure show up early to a business trip and stalk her or whatever. But, when does the hamster stop? How much research and prying do you need to do? I think you need to draw the line somewhere or you will go insane (literally).

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

First of all, the harder you work the sooner you get to IDGAF. 2nd, mate guarding is unattractive 3rd, if she had an ablasion did it ever occur she might be starting menopause ? Especially with the sweats and multiple showers ?

You are going to have to kill your hamster if the cheating and put that energy into you. And, if she does she is going to slip up. There's your free pass.

Just understand controlling others, and wanting to control their actions, or show up unannounced is really unhealthy. What is healthy is trust in the relationship and if she cheats, that's on her

On being errand boy fir her and her family, become unavailable - don't Rambo boy sending up signals that get her and her family's hamsters rushing into overdrive that you have suddenly become a dick

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

First of all, the harder you work ** ON YOU ** the sooner you get to IDGAF.

Emphasis mine b/c OP doesn't seem to get it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I get it, but I'm not there yet

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

No you've read it. You understand the words as they are words that you know. But you haven't juxtaposed those words and their meaning next to your life yet and done a comparison and thought "holy shit, it's not about anyone else but me. All the faults are mine. So to all the success are mine. I need to stop letting others drive me."

You get it when you actually have applied it. When you live it. You get it when you ARE there. Anything less is lies and lip service.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I needed to read that

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

On being errand boy fir her and her family, become unavailable - don't Rambo boy sending up signals that get her and her family's hamsters rushing into overdrive that you have suddenly become a dick

good polnt. Guess I just have to take leadership where I can. I hate being told the weekend schedule, but I have been working around her schedule pretty well, and I don't want to become inflexible

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Remember this .... you must live for you to be you. If you are headed off to camp, fish, ride motorcycles etc for Sat, Sunday- she can take a day off and add value to the relationship. Don't let fear allow you to see realty for what it is. You are not her bitch and it's not about you pleasing her at all. It's about you living the most bitching life you can fit you. Right ?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree, but there has to be some give sometimes too. Here's my current dilemma: she springs on me that we are going to "the aquarium" this Sat so we can take pictures of her son proposing marriage. In my head, I'm like WTF do I need to be there for. But, there's a trade off where I get to plan the whole day Sunday. But she's got Sat night planned too. So, I migh say fuck the aquarium and go to see my daughter during that time since its been a while. I feel like she's always got plans for every weekend, and I have to plan around that. I do usually at least get one day to plan stuff , and I call the shots on some restaurants and misc. stuff. I don't know. With kids, step kids, and now grandkids, the whole thing is so fucking complex all the time.

[–]TheThirdT1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If a woman is going to cheat, she will cheat. You don't trust her, and you don't even trust your own gut. You are not in control of your life. When your control yourself, you don't need to control others.

All these stories of guys needing proof to pull the trigger reminds me of the story of Julius ceasar's divorce of a wife surrounding a scandal and possible infidelity. When asked why he divorced his wife without any proof of wrong doing, he said "ceasar's wife should be above suspicion". Have your boundaries and stick to them. It's simply respect for oneself.

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nice post!

Too often Men here think boundaries are for their SO's. When in fact they are for you, you have them in every aspect of your life. She either fits within that boundary or not......

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I suggest you go full court press on research but give your "investigation" a time limit, so you are stuck in a cycle doing this.

I know a few choice methods which I prefer to not post publicly. If you want to know PM me.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Do you have a keylogger on her phone and computer?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

No, but I'm considering it. I have checked calls and text records thoroughly but haven't found anything. Wondering if she's using another method. I don't see any of the normal cheating apps on her phone, but I know there's a lot of ways. When I called her one time recently, there was a ring echo - sounded like the call was maybe being forwarded

What is the best keylogger for iPhone?

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have no clue. I haven't had your problem, I have had hers.

If she uses iMessage it shows up as data use only, so you won't even see the number. I would start with a keylogger.

Of course, she may just work with the guy and talk to him during the day, or use an alias email only opened incognito mode.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's my thought. I noticed she recently opened a google app with has incognito mode, but it could be just a side benefit of the app. What's a good keylogger?

[–]Kosmoknots0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's a default feature of most modern browsers

[–]2ndalRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The "ring echo" was probably the sound the ring makes when the person you're calling is on the other line at the time you call.

[–]wakethfkupneo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not much to conclude from your story. Yea, over here we praise gut instinct, but on the other hand this could easily end up being just you hamstering.

Let's work with what we have - and only one constructive idea comes to mind: ovulation week i.e. what happens between days 10 and 16. So, do you have sex during ovulation? What kind of sex? Does she want it rough, even initiates herself? Does she avoid PIV during ovulation? Does she trick you into handjob (even blowjob) to avoid PIV?

(just in case you don't already know why I'm asking this: The Number One Dead Giveaway That Your Wife Is About To Cheat)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sex was really good during her last ovulation. Rough, and often. Good point. But she had an ablation so I'm not sure if the 28 day cycle still applies. Seems like it does. But this ovulation sex is more of a recent think as I've unplugged and become more alpha.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

What about hiring an investigator?

What will you do when confronted with evidence?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

I've thought about an investigaor - it's tough with joint finances. I'd file immediately if I found out after getting an attorney

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

have you talked with a lawyer yet? Do you know the steps that come with filing?

If no, then you're bullshitting yourself

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Nope . Maybe I should be more proactive. I wanted to get evidence first

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Of course. You're running around, letting your feelings dictate your actions. It's fucking brutal.

The whole point of preparation is so you don't do something stupid and blow up at her if you catch something.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yeah great point . I keep fucking up by getting caught checking her stuff and jumping to conclusions. I just need to STFU

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

HAve you read 'divorce, done right' here? search MRP for it.

This is a perfect example of handling infidelity, will give you an idea of the mindset

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Will do

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Getting caught spying is a massive DHL.....better not to check if risk of discovery.

And come on...you know whats going on here anyway

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Suppose an investigator fails to find proof.

What next?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

The things you're using to conclude this are the higher frequency of showers and a calendar entry of catching up with Joe. In most marriages, that would seem thin. You must have other reasons to suspect adultery.

I wouldn't pull a surprise job on the business trip. I wouldn't join my wife on a business trip. I have better things to do than be the +1 on her trips. I'd tell her I'm not coming on the trip and if she asks why, "I don't want to, I have some things to take care of" and then use those days to start preparing for divorce. If she's taking the bone from ol Joe, you'll know when she gets home. Execute your split at that point.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

If she's taking the bone from ol Joe, you'll know when she gets home

How will I know?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

because you're now watching for it. you'll see a change in her disposition that will line up with your suspicions

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I've seen a change for a while now, but no conclusive proof

[–]Diff8882 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Do yourself a favor and put it to bed one way or the other and move on. The whole IDGAF sounds great until you're living it. My situation was very close to yours and I would trust your gut instinct.

In my case, something was off and when I checked the phone records there were pages of calls to and from a blocked number; some lasting two hours. I got an attorney almost immediately after seeing that and the attorney told me to get proof; the phone records weren't enough. I hired an investigator, he gave me magnetic GPS to attach to her car and the next time she went out of town he followed her and got video.

Best money I ever spent. It didn't help with the settlement even though I live in a "fault" state, but every time she was being difficult I told her to back the fuck off or the kids will be watching videos one day. She even tried unsuccessfully to write into the agreement that I couldn't show the videos to the kids.

Find out one way or the other and move on.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

How much that cost?

[–]Diff8880 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

$3,600. He followed her a couple other times and that included gas, meals and expenses.

[–]Diff8880 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

When I say it was the best money I ever spent, it's not just about her not being a raging bitch during the separation/divorce. We were together for 22 years. In your mind there is always this "what if I'm wrong" thing bouncing around. That's what you need to get past.

I called her the next morning after my guy sent me the video. She could not have been any sweeter. A minute in on this wonderful conversation, I said "Fuck you. I know what you're doing and I know who you're with". She got so pissed off; "You had me followed! I can't believe you don't trust me". It was surreal.

Again. Set a boundary. Find out, and if it's true, leave. Trust me your life will be so much better.

[–]Kosmoknots0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wow..her response! That is nuts!

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just happened to read elsewhere a guy who put copies of text evidence of cheating in a Tiffany bag, along with divorce papers, then when she got back from a "work trip" he gave her the "present", since he missed her so much :)

I almost fell off my chair laughing. I would pay real money to by a fly on that wall.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

The things you're using to conclude this are the higher frequency of showers and a calendar entry of catching up with Joe. In most marriages, that would seem thin. You must have other reasons to suspect adultery.

A lot of little things, too many to mention

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you're asking for help but not providing all the details. do better.

[–]mabden0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

This will give you the tools required for covert surveillance of a suspected cheating spouse. A PI is always an option if you have the money. Especially for out of town work.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow that was comprehensive. I could start with the recorders

[–]mabden0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

they don't fuck around

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's three years old. They sell gps trackers with magnets and they sms you gps locations on request. Technology has come a long way since then.

[–]mabden0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are correct sir.

For guys who don't know what the fuck they are doing, it's a start and the song remains the same. Digital voice activated recorders with lithium batteries and some quality Velcro to place in the correct position, timeless. Google, keylogger, VAR, GPS, it takes you to the latest and greatest. The methodology and mindset are the same. If the obsessed want to drive themselves crazy, this is the place.

edit words

[–]nantucketghost0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

deleted What is this?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have and it always checks out. But she could easily get around this by leaving her phone in the car / i fucked up and she know I track

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Been here. Shady bitches is my speciality. Ill be back with a brain dump soon. Hang in there brother.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks bro

[–]Kosmoknots0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I want to see this too. I busted mine in a lie about a year ago. She said she was emailing a coworker about work stuff, but her phone showed no emails sent at that moment. So most likely she is deleting texts.

Besides that one event, I have no reason to distrust. But that one incident had broken trust forever. Now I know that it's just my turn and it's her loss if she fucks around.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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