Handling reasonable requests while perceived as low-value

bitofawitch · 2016-08-05T21:15:00+00:00

Parenting your own children isn't called "babysitting", it's called parenting. If you can't take care of your own kids without her help, then you are low-value.

When you mow your own lawn do you call yourself "the gardener", or are you just a homeowner who has his shit together? A high value man doesn't need a pat on the head whenever he takes care of the shit in his own life.

Try just getting your shit together in general. You should be so busy lifting, caring for your home, parenting your kids as an awesome dad, killing it at work, and meeting with great guy friends who do high value activities, that you don't have time to ponder the past gifts you gave her or her reactions to them. Next time, just get her what you want to get her, or don't. If she doesn't like it, you'll be too busy being awesome to care.

anythinginc · 2016-08-05T18:54:03+00:00

You're overthinking things, and your head is in her ass. Stop that.

The trick is to get value for yourself. You do this becuase... Why do I need to explain the point in being valuable?
While she is a cunt, and you should tell her to go fuck herself, you won't believe it, she won't believe it. You have to be a guy who is capable of telling her to fuck off. A guy gets that way form truly losing all interest and NGAF, or by becoming valuable with options.

Both work, one leaves you with the front foot forward, the other having to come back off the back foot.

Start with this...

It was thoughtful. Super blue-pill. I woke up this summer and realized "wow, I'm not obligated to get her a gift every month while she treats me like crap."

Roll with that. Demote her to roommate status, continue to build you. Not just physically, keep reading, there's a lot more material out there. May I suggest the TRP sidebar, specifically 'the manipulated man'. If it doesn't piss you off enough to stay the course, nothing will.

Consider yourself the single dad with the kids. Completely remove her (or as much as possible) from raising them. Take em into work for daycare if you are able.

No justification, no explanation. If you must (and I mean must) open your stupid mouth, tell her to take the day off, leave with a smile, enter with a smile. I wouldn't smile around her, she is the epitome of everything you've fucked up for the last few decades... Fake it. You are the happiest guy in the room. You're a great dad, and you're in pretty damned good shape for your age. It should all seem effortless, like a duck. Quiet up top, paddling down below.

If you want to complain about it, go get a volleyball, put a handprint on it, and use wilson to hear your problems.

Frame everything as 'working as intended, this is great'. There is no situation in life you cannot frame as a positive... /u/Ex_addict_bro had literal hell, and now he's using it as a springboard to truly learn about the human condition. He speaks as if it was a gift that was given to him.

If he can come off shit mountain with a grin, you have no excuse.

Read my blogposts, they are prettier than what I have here. Stop thinking, keep doing. Fake some irrational confidence, watch how the world changes for you. Know and accept that she thinks you're a stupid fuck. Now you don't have to worry about her thinking you're a stupid fuck, paralyzing action, you can go and do whatever anyways, own it.

Embrace your inner sociopath. Take my tried and true method of cracking down shit tests, cant your head, laugh, and go do something. Go initiate, just before you go to the gym. Do this with the explicit intent of getting shot down. After a hundred of them, two things will happen.

you will be natty and swole
rejection will never bother you anymore.

After all this, you will be the man you should be. And that man will look at this BPD hug-phobic woman, and tell her to fuck off, and mean it, while not caring if she does.

If she's still a cunt? throw her out. Luckily you've been a single dad for so long, you should have reams of paperwork proving you should be the primary guardian, or they are old enough to pick staying with daddy over that harpy cunt that yells all day.

TLDR; you still give a fuck about her, give a fuck about you for a change, worry about her in a year. Pretend you're the fucking man, and work your ass off in private so you aren't a fucking liar.

Persaeus · 2016-08-06T16:57:35+00:00

Older kids see me as low value/no-fun and don't want to hang out near me.

Fuck bro, you can't entertain an 11 and 13 year old (yours none the less). No wonder your wife hates you.

is to ask "how can I help?" and offer to baby-sit more often

A father does not baby-sit his own children, he raises them. Stoney gave you the best advice, you should (I do) run your kids like you are a single dad and your wife is the hired nanny. You don't ask permission or consult the nanny, you engage your kids directly. The older (13....lol) does not want to come along. Tough titty buttercup, your coming. Bring the fun, and they will be begging for more.

This is a double-bind.

No it is not. It is a classic shit test, and you are failing them. Personally, I think gifts in marriage are overrated. My gift is me to you. My time and attention is the biggest gift I can give. Look up skittles man....this is what your aiming for.

A_Rex · 2016-08-05T17:09:32+00:00

You don't babysit. You do things with your kids. Your approach seems wrong. "What can I do to help?" No you aren't helping out. Your are having fun raising your children. Mindset. Your older ones may be more difficult but that 2 year old should be easy. So much fun can be had with them. This is a perfect opportunity to show how awesome you are. Don't let it slip away.

Never approach children as "taking care of them" way to passive. You do things with them, show them new experiences. Take them places. You show them how to push their boundaries and experience life. Taking care of them is easy. Anyone can do it, that's what you get when you hire a babysitter. Quit being an inept babysitter. Be a father, show them life.

Gifts, get her what YOU want her to have. Take her somewhere YOU want to go with her. Again mindset, you aren't trying to please her. That is not the goal. My wife always worries her butt off when I don't ask her what she wants (I haven't asked her in years). I know what she wants. She wants me to show her a good time. (AWALT) That's all. I'm always at my best doing something I want to do. Why should this be any different?

2016-08-05T20:06:24+00:00

I don't care about making her /happy/ at this point, I'm trying to figure out what is /right/, balancing rewarding bad behavior with being a dick.

Are you 100% sure about he first part?

The tone of your post suggests that it's not just your wife who sees you as low value. You still talk of yourself as being only slightly more self-aware than a babysitter who needs to oblige his wife with gifts - it sounds like you want to dial the size of the gifts back (because you're "RP" now) but still make her happy. That way of thinking is a trap. As long as you believe it's your job to make her happy with a gift, you'll never get out of this trap - can you see that? I hope you've come across the legendary Skittles Man post.

Wife is SAHM and has recently expressed that she is jealous

She expresses negative emotion --> you feel bad --> you think you have to react

Be honest with yourself - is this your chain of thinking? If so, then you should not react. Painful as it may feel, stop giving in to this chain of thinking.

But on the other hand, if YOU feel (not because she "makes you" feel bad withe her jealousy, but because you examine it independent of that emotional blanket she wants to throw over your judgment), that you want to act to relieve her stress a little, then do like the other guys suggest. They're your kids, man, you're just as capable of taking them to the park or a beach or doing some shit with them as their mother is.

nopeToThe43rd · 2016-08-08T12:02:58+00:00

Gifts - they drop hints all the time but I've switched to funny / experiences Last year - 2 months in MRP I got her 5 candy bars that hard "Million DOLLAR " written on them. A 2 $ balloon. We went out for sushi at a local place and I drew a bath for us. She loved it. Was very excited for her first ever birthday balloon. Gifts were from the dollar store - for context - I do very well financially.

This year - we went to a cave. Exploring and tour. She liked being picked up over high rocks by me. I like caves. They are kind of interesting and I've never gone inside a big one before.

She was happy as shit.

For reference the previous years I could drop thousands on pretty jewelry and crap and all that happened was " aww that's pretty" and a hug. And I mean ALL that happened.

You follow yet ?

cholomite · 2016-08-05T15:29:34+00:00

I don't have kids, so I can't help too much with that. I would say just plan something fun that they will all enjoy and get ready to swat down a machine gun barrage of shit tests from your wife and kids.

As far as gifts go, you are the gift you give your wife. Anything else she gets is just because she is being good and adding value to your life, but you don't owe her anything. She will be mad, but negative emotions are better than apathy. Gift giving is a beta trait. The hypothetical "alpha" that we all aspire to be never gives women anything other than orgasm and social proof and value, and the women shower him with gifts.

I'm not a 10/10 alpha, and I get my girl gifts to maintain a healthy alpha/beta balance, but I try to stick with the 2/3 rule. Just make sure you're putting in 2 for every 3 she gives you. (This principle is based on the assumption that you are a confident masculine alpha guy, so get that worked out if you haven't already)

Remember to be like the skittles man.

anythinginc · 2016-08-05T16:44:46+00:00

First things first: Is she sleeping in bed with you again or still with the kids? Has she hugged you in the past month? Why haven't you hugged her? Have you ever stopped and looked at her as you go to work in the morning, grabbed her, and kissed her on the mouth as long as she will let you?

Assuming I'm still in said hole at Xmas/B-day time

Are. you. kidding. me? We'll talk about Christmas in 4 months. You're fantasizing about some carrot/stick scenario possibility 4 months away......

offer to baby-sit more often.

...they are YOUR kids, you can not baby-sit your own kids, you raise them. I'm childless, so fuck if I know, but there are a fuck ton of other resources if you don't know how to take responsibility for raising or coparenting or whatever your own kids, pretty sure there is a redpillfather sub or something even..that is what you need to be thinking about.

2016-08-05T16:53:20+00:00

Gifts are a mindset. Maybe these examples will help:

For her anniversary, I decided I wanted the best filet mignon in town and I invited her to go with me. Great meal.

For her birthday, I wanted to go camping and I invited her to go with me. Great time.

For my birthday, New Years, Christmas……., I wanted……… and I invited ……and we shared …… and we enjoyed.

When gift giving, etc is a supplicating event, change your frame and make yourself happy first, then you might make her happy, too. But her happiness is not your problem, and her unhappiness is almost guaranteed if you are not making yourself happy, and if, you are a supplicating nice guy.

Change your mindset and she will enjoy the SKITTLES.

screechhater · 2016-08-05T22:24:31+00:00

and offer to baby-sit more often.

They are your kids- erase this from your vocabulary

"I don't care about making her /happy/ at this point, I'm trying to figure out what is /right/, balancing rewarding bad behavior with being a dick."

WTF does this mean ? Why are you stuck on so much of her and her behavior ? Concentrate on you

UEMcGill · 2016-08-09T18:14:12+00:00

You know what I get my wife for our anniversary? Nothing. Valentine's Day? Nothing. If she ever said anything bad about what I did get her, that would be it. Done.

"Yeah babe, I don't do the gift thing anymore." No explanation needed. If she's going to be an ungrateful harpy I don't give a fuck if she's also unhappy.

Give freely because you want to, and with no expectation of anything in return, including validation.

nopeToThe43rd · 2016-08-11T16:00:18+00:00

Older kids don't want to hang out with you, maybe you're boring.

Go do interesting, fun, enlightening shit with them (and the littlest too), without asking permission. Have a great time, enjoy yourselves, help them grow into worthwhile, high value humans; Going home will then be the disappointment to them that it is to you.

Title	Handling reasonable requests while perceived as low-value
Author	logger1234
Upvotes	2
Comments	27
Date	August 5, 2016 2:56 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4was97/handling_reasonable_requests_while_perceived_as/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/handling-reasonable-requests-while-perceived-as.207269 https://theredarchive.com/post/207269