How can a wife help her husband? (x-post from askTRP)

August 12, 2016
7 upvotes

I was told that I might get better insight here.

I want to start off by stating that I have read Rule Zero, been a reader of TRP, RPW, and AskTRP for a little over a year. I consider myself red-pilled, and have great respect for what you gentlemen do. I'm coming here for advice because in my personal life I have no other RP men to ask.

My husband's personal health is at a cross-road. I understand that he is the master of his own body, and I have done so much to keep from nagging him about anything. This mindset, perhaps, is why I'm having such a hard time now. We aren't as financially secure as we would like to be, but we are making ends meet however we can. My husband has a serious health issue, and the treatment for fixing and preventing more from happening in the future is very expensive. However, we have been blessed with the opportunity for a sponsor to pay for all of his medical procedures. He was happy, and wants to proceed. At least, that's what he told me a year ago. I left it up to him to schedule an appointment, and to work out the details however he saw fit.

He has procrastinated. I have brought up making an appointment only a few times this past year (“I'm so thankful our sponsor is offering to pay for your procedure” and much later “I know you have a busy schedule at work, so if you would rather tell me the days you have free I can make the appointment for you”). Now, I was informed on the phone yesterday that the offer was not given unlimited time, and if we still wanted it done, it needed to be now. I asked him this morning if he was still interested in going through with it. He said yes. I told him that I was informed it was now a time-sensitive matter, and the offer would be redacted if he didn't take it. He was angry (frustrated might be a better word, though) and told me he would handle it. I left the conversation at that and finished getting the kids ready for the day.

Everyone (him, myself, the doctors) know that if he doesn't get the help he needs, his quality of life will severely diminish. He has almost died once from this back in 2009. The severity of this is pretty high.

My question is this: What, if anything, can I do now? What can I do, as a supportive wife, to help him?

I'm not asking how to “make” him do anything, or looking for pity, or even complain. I value my husband and want to have him in my life as long as possible. I feel now that our “till death do us part” is a little closer than it should be. Is this something I just need to deal with, or am I overlooking something?

Thank you in advance for your insight.

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Post Information
Title How can a wife help her husband? (x-post from askTRP)
Author thehighzombie
Upvotes 7
Comments 23
Date August 12, 2016 5:15 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-can-a-wife-help-her-husband-x-post-from-asktrp.207252
https://theredarchive.com/post/207252
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4xemov/how_can_a_wife_help_her_husband_xpost_from_asktrp/
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Comments

[–]sexyshoulderdevil18 points19 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Fuck it. Make the appointment. Set that shit up. Drive him to it. Tell him you love him and he can't leave you yet. And you're going to take care of him for a bit.

He may be a strong dude 99% of the time, but this life/death situation has immobilized him. Time to save his life... Get busy being a good wife.

Good luck.

[–]A_Rex7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Agree with this.

[–]thehighzombie[S] 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I've done some serious reflection and decided that it is in our best interest that I go ahead and do that.

If he grows to resent me for it, so be it. I would rather have him living and mad at me than see him die, or have our kids grow up without a father.

I thought I lost him in 2009. The grief was overwhelming. I don't want our family to go through that again.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm a fantastic mirror. ;-)

[–]its-iceman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't read between the lines of what's going on here (addiction, tumor, gangrenous penis), but sometimes in a strong relationship, the other person has to grab the flag and lead up the next hill.

Grab the flag, scream the war cry, and save his life. You don't have to do it by nagging, you can do it by being right next to him in the foxhole and not wavering. Lead him on this and he'll come around.

Dying is fucking scary and if you have kids you do what you need to do lady.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

agree. FO can take the chair for a bit in a crisis. This seems like a crisis. Just, you know, give it back after.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She can try, but my money is that if she forces him he'll just retrench and shut her out

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can understand the guy being some combination of frustrated, embarrased, hopeless, and depressed at his current situation, as well as possibly being frightened at the treatment itself. Fear of the unknown, plus depression, can be paralysing. That being said, unless he has some wierd religious conviction (like JWs), not getting treated just sounds like a dumb move.

My thought was exactly the same as /u/sexyshoulderdevil - go ahead, book the appt, schedule something. If she believes he may actually do it himself this time, give him a little grace time to do it, but pull the trigger herself if he fails to. He still has the power not to show, to refuse to go through with it, but for something this serious (assuming OP isn't being hyperbolic), at least OP has done what she could. Yeah, the guy might be pissed that and claim control freak, but what's the medical difference between passively sitting back not getting treated, and having a little hissy fit and the actively declining to go? Not much.

[–]RPSigmaStigma1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Just curious, what is Rule Zero?

[–]thehighzombie[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

That was referring to askTRP, sorry.

[–]RPSigmaStigma0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok, but I'm still curious about what it is.

Edit: ah, never mind. You meant the sidebar link on askTRP... I was thinking it was a book or something... :p

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sheesh, conditional charity isn't really all that charitable. What's with the time condition?

Regardless, you can try surprising him with it once everything is set up.

Could also be that he's dreading the treatment itself if it's something like chemo. That shit still sucks.

Best way to get off a band aid is rip it off.

On the flipside, as shitty as this sounds you should start (very obviously) getting your life set up to fully support your family without him. It might also help shake him out of his stupor.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

Well, what is your insight into why he was apparently delaying things?

Trust me, this is vital.

[–]thehighzombie[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I think he is embarrassed that he is in this position to begin with and it'd easier for him to ignore it than to accept there's a serious problem that needs to be fixed.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Football teams have cheerleaders. They don't need them to get touchdowns, but be damned if it doesn't get the fans and players hyped up.

Really comes in handy if they are going in with a 0-10 season, and playing the toughest team in the league

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Ok.

What have you done to lift that embarrassment?

Both acutely and non acutely?

Just words, or actions as well?

[–]thehighzombie[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Everything I possibly can. I don't bring it up publicly. I tell him that I'm proud of how he has made an effort to better himself. I make myself available to him. Not sure what else I could do when he was feeling more embarrassed for himself than I ever was for him. Do you have any suggestions?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't bring it up publicly.

thats a fine line.. but depending on what it is... could you not bringing it up feel like shame to him?

Just a thought. I went through some life choices that put me under the knife a year ago so I can relate to both sides.

[–]thehighzombie[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

He doesn't want it brought up. He told me that explicitly. When he was hospitalized in 2009, no one outside his family knew what the real cause was.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

then honestly he sounds like he could be clinically depressed...

You cant do much besides be his woman. If it goes south, thats on him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've see that some people have a mental block about getting treatment for terminal illnesses. They feel helpless, or scared about doing what they need to do. They get depressed and hopeless. Some people never get the treatment they need and it's very hard on families.

You can help show him that it's not hopeless. That you love him and want him in your family's life. Sometimes, a trusted friend can have a talk with him and it may make more sense to him than from his wife. But at the end of the day it's his decision and you need to prepare for the worst outcome.

[–]thehighzombie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

None of our friends know about the severity of it, or even that it's happening. It's not something he wants other people to know about.

[–]weakandsensitive-4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

you married a loser.

  1. deal with that fact.
  2. find a better husband.
  3. wait for him to kick the bucket, collect life insurance (make sure he has a good policy), go to 2.
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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