MIL has cancer

bogeyd6 · 2018-03-25T22:12:29+00:00

Cancer is a very serious thing and it’s when you need your family the most. There is no win to refuse unless you can find a 24/7 care center very close to the house where your wife can go at her whim.

Realworld52 · 2018-03-25T22:09:17+00:00

3 fuck cancer

RedPillCoach · 2018-03-26T02:05:26+00:00

I would consider a 4) hard yes and arrange it as the leader of your family. This is assuming this is the type of cancer she has is likely fatal and likely quickly. The MIL's age, type of cancer, chemo she is going to be on, her relationship to you and to your wife, and probably several other factors play in to this decision.

What do you think you should do?

[deleted] · 2018-03-26T04:32:20+00:00

I have been through this march to death with 5 close family members in the last 15 years. It is never easy.

How you treat your MIL will send advance signals to your wife on what she can expect from you someday. Since cancer runs in the family, your wife will make the connection to whatever you do for MIL "could" apply to her in similar situation.

Be careful to have an even handed approach here. You must also balance and take care of your wife's needs. You have to help her, a working woman, to balance her life, or she could burn out just trying to do the right thing for her mom.

Your wife's best interests and yours are very similar here. Be thoughtful, and, lead/help your wife to make decisions that are good for her, and her mother, and you also.

In the death of a parent, you can be a rock, but you will never be the center of attention.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-03-25T21:03:42+00:00

Not enough data. Without data, there’s no way to tell what you should do in these circumstances, other than the reasonable and compassionate thing to do.

Also, fuck cancer.

red-sfpplus · 2018-03-25T19:59:18+00:00

I am in a cab and have a few mins.

To many questions to ask before we can recommend.

Does wife work? If so I assume this will continue?

Any kids still loving at home?

Define what “take care of” is. Is she cleaning up shit and spoon feeding her daily?

Does MIl have a living spouse?

Is MIl bringing animals or anything else with her?

What is MiL going to do with all her stuff?

Do you have a large enuf home for her to have her own space and bathroom?

Will MIL pay since she will no longer have rent or utilities?

Is MIl a reasonable person or will she get there and fuck your relationship over?

This is a business discussion for YOU first. Work the numbers and do the math. Then consider the FEELZ of your FO and yourself.

A hard no out of the gate is completely irresponsible without at least discussing it with your FO first. Even if you have ZERO intention of it then work the business side and prepare your case that way.

You clearly do not have the frame to handle a hard no so do what I say. Report back with more details.

Two_kids_in_a_coat · 2018-03-27T18:52:08+00:00

Is she a good MIL? Has she treated you and your wife with respect? If she’s been good to you then I think you should own this. Be the leader your wife dreams of. Prove you know how to protect and comfort your family. Cancer sucks, but know that once you open your house you can’t shut that door again. She with you for the rest of her life. Does she deserve this? If she’s been a total bitch and undermined your leadership, pitted you and your wife against each other then don’t bring that snake into your home.

Westernhagen · 2018-03-26T12:29:56+00:00

The problem with "only if you're her nurse" is that inevitably your wife will offload some of her "other" household tasks onto you in order to do her nurse duty. Moreover, taking care of her mom, depending on how disabled her mom is, will be physically and emotionally exhausting, leaving your wife with that much less bandwidth for you and the kids.

After my mom had a stroke, she lived with us for a couple of months before she moved to assisted living. We had a nurse come in three times a week to help her bathe. It still sucked. She drove us fucking nuts. I would strongly advise anyone against having old, sick relatives in the house for any length of time. As for "just for a few months before she croaks", I think that's the scenario where you want her in a hospice not your house.

Let's put it another way. If you were dating your wife, and she lived with her sick mom, would you have married her if "she takes care of her sick mom who lives with us" was part of the deal? My guess would be no.

I lean towards "hard no" on this one.

FoxShitNasty83 · 2018-03-25T19:30:55+00:00

What if any would the financial arrangement be?

A-day-one · 2018-03-26T20:46:46+00:00

I’m not sure what the alternatives are such as a nursing home, etc.

I have a great relationship with my MIL and I would do it. But I’d start by setting up visits with profession care (adult sitters for example) for evaluation and as someone else said, set the ground rules for when other help will be engaged (ie bathing, etc). Then you become more in control over the situation and how your family experiences it.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-03-26T23:11:33+00:00

Yeah, cancer is super-serious. I took care of my first wife until she died. And then my parents moved in with us 2-1/2 years ago because they are elderly and needed help - they kept falling in their house and getting hurt.

I can tell you from experience, 1 is not a realistic option unless you just don't care. If that was the case, you wouldn't have posted this question here. 3 sounds good, until you have to deal with the reality of having her mother there with you day in and day out. This is what I'm dealing with now. So unless you are ok with that, 3 isn't the best option either.

2 is your only "good" option here, and your marriage WILL be tested and strained the whole time. Are you prepared for that? I've gone through hell doing this, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm doing what I feel is right, though, so to hell with what anyone else thinks - including my wife. Are you prepared for what you may face?

weakandsensitive · 2018-03-25T20:57:42+00:00

If it were feasible, limited disturbance, and all the other jazz, I'd consider it with the contingency that "if it's not working, everyone has to agree to make a change quickly, i.e. a nearby nursing home or independent living elderly community."

there's a huge difference between living close and living in the same space.

mortality is an interesting thing and if my wife added enough value, i'd do what i could to make sure she didn't feel like there was "more" she could've done.

is the cancer terminal?

does MIL even want to move in?

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-03-25T20:04:38+00:00

Is she draining your balls on the regular?

Title	MIL has cancer
Author	Iammrp2
Upvotes	5
Comments	42
Date	March 25, 2018 7:12 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/872x9p/mil_has_cancer/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/mil-has-cancer.204680 https://theredarchive.com/post/204680