30 years old, 173 cm tall, 32% body fat, 94 kgs

I didn't use my victim puke, I would like to cash it now please.

As you might know from my post history, I was married to my "unicorn" for 4 years, we divorced this year. Let's just say it wasn't easy. I live in a middle eastern country, some traditional values still existed, so I searched for "the one", who I will marry and have a family with. My teenage years and college were just studying and gaming, did little socializing, but pretty much kept to myself. While I am pretty sure I am in the spectrum somehow, I did have good social skills, which attracted my ex in the first place.

It was friendship at first, which blossomed to "love". We went the trad route, getting a job after college and marriage. Back then she was really attracted to me. We didn't even hold hands till after like 2 years (lol) but I knew she was really attracted to me, and she also told me. Before marriage we got a little handsy, and I could confirm, the girl was wet.

After the wedding night, it was like a switch was turned off. She would happily have sex with me, but she wasn't really into it, more into the novelty. She didn't get wet at all except after a lot of foreplay, and sometimes not even then.

There was problems, but nothing major. We were both "depressed", she was very smart but in a dead end job, meanwhile I was climbing the ranks and making better money each year.

The main problem in marriage was the sex. She never said no, but she never initiated. The always horny girl I knew was NEVER horny, we of course had many talks about this. Nothing. I even lost weight and Got in the best shape of my life, to the extent that I was getting attention from other girls... Nothing.

In 2019, I kinda gave up, and had a very good opportunity to go work abroad, very good money. She was complaining about her job, so I called a friend and got her a job in a much more liberal, much more social place. I remember I would push her to open up and be more sociable. And that she did.

When I traveled, she made some bullshit reason about not being able to come immediately with me, and stayed behind. I noticed that she would lag in my texts, wouldn't respond like she used to, rarely checked on me.

Then she dropped a bomb: she doesn't love me, and think she never did. She loved me but not that way, and at first she wanted to "work on it". I said no, divorce time. She agreed.

What happened next, is a friend convinced me to try and save the marriage, when I pitched the idea it was met with objection. With a little more push, I discovered the following...

My trad con religious waifu threw religion out of the window, she told me she wants to try drugs and drinking, she told me she wants to sleep around, she has "a strong need for male validation", and she never was attracted to me, but she found other men made her wet, and made her want them. She liked another guy at work, he is "her best friend" now, but he isn't relationship material. He might be a fwb tho. She found that she is good socially, and love manipulating people to get what she want. The girl that was my wife, the love of my life, that made me wait 2 years to hold hands cause "religion", is speaking about being fwb and going out drinking and drugging it up.

All that while I was completely alone, in covid lock down in a new country. No friends, no family.

To say that I was devestated would be an understatement. I was red pill aware, and even used some of the things here to better myself, but turns out, there is a huge difference between reading and internalizing. I got the red pill shoved up my ass.

Oh, and for good measures, I lost my job too.

All my life I ever worked for two things, get good grades to get a decent job, and be a good husband/lover.

I was a fucking idiot. I deserve everything that happened to me.

My entire mental model of the world crashed. I am now slowly, but surely, rebuilding it, with me, my wants and my needs in the middle.

My to dos:

Right now, the number one goal in life is fitness, I am fat, so I will stop being fat. I already started training again and hopefully she'd the extra weight and build muscles.

I won't bullshit you, it's hard. It's hard sticking to a diet, especially when ur suicidally depressed. But lately I have been fighting harder, and while not adhering 100%, I try to limit my binges and not destroy my progress.

For the record, I use CICO and keto for diet, stronglifts 5x5 and some YouTube training for fitness.

Second goal is rebuild my social circle. It's amazing how losing in life can make people leave, and I spent the last year alone. Pretty much alone. That level of loneliness does something to you, but being 30 and in that loneliness made me not fear it. I am willing to be alone, so won't compromise on the quality of people I surround myself with.

3rd is my life mission. Work, job, vocation, whatever you name it. I want to start my own business, but I discovered that I am scared shit less, a grade A coward. I don't know how to beat this yet, but I plan to, and plan to be more rich and successful. I tasted poverty and tasted having money. Fuck poverty. Currently I am re reading the side bar, devouring the side bar series by Rian stone (that opened my eyes to how fucking weak I was, and what I can do about it), taking a philosophy course, and dabbling in tinder (shit results) and rebuilding my wardrobe/hobbies.

There you have it boys, any advise, any plans, anything is more than welcome. Insults are welcome too, as I grew a thick skin,. Tear me a new asshole, God knows I deserve it.