My wife told me I'm horrible in the bed and pathetic/childish for feeling emasculated regarding this remarks.

March 13, 2016

This is my first post after several months of simply browsing around and reading some stories about marriage. I really appreciate the insight of this community so any help is appreciated. It's a genuine call for help because I simply cannot stomach this situation alone any longer. ( warning: long post and english isn't my first language so bear with me and my errors.) Ok, I'm 31 (my birthday was last friday March 11th) and my wife is 29. We've known each other for almost two years and have been married for a year and four months. Yep, we rushed into this marriage.

Yesterday, my wife was lying down on my lap and we started talking about things. As the conversation went to sexual places, she revealed a couple of things: 1: She really wanted to try having sex with other girls when she was single ans it's one of her regrets right now, I told her that I would be comfortable if I was part of the experience, like a menage. She said "I want to be with a girl alone, and It would be easy to do that because I could install an app like tinder and having this experience without you ever knowing'. My answer? I reminded her that that is considered cheating and not ok with me. She acquiesced. 2: She also told me that I was not good at all in the bedroom. In fact, I was horrible at it when we started dating but improved a little over time. I believe I kept an open mind and asked her 'So, what do you like? What do I do wrong" and she said "I don't know, I'm not sure... ", then went to her phone and read an article about 'What men who suck in the bed do..." (I was honestly shocked since I read this sort of thing just to make sure I don't do them... o well) but after she said "Every man I dated was horrible at sex. You all are boys and have no idea what women want." It wasn't an attack and I did feel that she was just being blunt and honest about it, however I could not leave that alone but anyway we went to sleep, or at least she went to sleep. I was hurt, completely confused and thinking about how I suck at being a man, I mean, I started searching my last year memories with her and some issues emerged. Such as: - We're not having sex, last time we had sex was in January (once) during our vacation after she told me that she wasn't really into sex; - She never initiates sex; - She doesn't answer when I try to foreplay. Foreplay is almost always nonexistent; - She doesn't masturbate, she doesn't like it; - She never lets me go down on her. She actually says "Just fuck me quickly" and closes her legs once I try to go down on her anyway; - She ALWAYS asks for things to get over quickly and of course, when asked, she says the sex is good and that she is liking it, - She has shown signs of being very stressed and impulsive the last few months; - In december she told that we would already have splitted up if it weren't for the marriage. That she was currently unable to be a giving person. Interesting, huh? these thoughts just ran over my mind throughout the night.

The next morning (today), she woke up and asked me if there was anything wrong (I think it was obvious that i was troubled), I said yes and stupidly asked about her previous experiences with other men (not a smart move) and got the answers I didn't want to hear (obviously)... two guys had a lot of chemistry with her, and gave her the best experiences: her ex-boyfriend and a one night stand a long time ago.

So, I decided to not hold back and opened my heart and feelings hoping that this conversation would turn out to be somewhat fruitful (not a smart move#2), I told her about the issues that were occupying my mind since our last talk and made some remarks; "I'm feeling like a failure and I'm completely emasculated"; "You say things without any consideration"; "It feels like it's all my fault, it seems that if our sex sucks it's mainly because of me." 'How come you've never said anything, how come you've never made an effort to direct me and teach me what you like and dislike?" * "Why did you lie about our sex? If it was so horrible, why did you continue?" Her response was given in a cold and direct manner. She called me pathetic, childish and sexist. She said that our sex life was not even on her radar because it's been a very tough year for her and I was being selfish. That if I feel bad about what was said then it wasn't her fault since she was truthful and I said I could handle the truth. That I was ruining her sunday. She also told me that every girl I dated probably felt that I sucked. And now that I think about it, she also tried to derail the conversation by saying things about my mother and about how I'm playing the victim and how I'm averse to criticism. She ended by saying "I can't talk to you because you only want to hear things that boost your ego". I pointed out that my problem was NOT that I suck in bed. The problem is that I'm this horrible lover and she never EVER told me, never tried to say what she likes even though I ask that every single time we have sex. God, I feel that everything I do is wrong. Anyway, after an hour she called me back into the bedroom and revealed to me that she truly wants to die, simply sleep or whatever and die. She won't kill herself cause she feels she's a coward (her words). She's crying and saying that she won't eat anything today or during this week, in an attempt to get sick. She also sent me an article about suicide and suicidal tendencies, took 3 sleeping pills and asked me to read the article. Now she's sleeping and I'm completely lost on what to do. I don't even know if I was right to feel emasculated or to have addressed the issue right now. I feel that I failed her and my marriage in so many ways. I love my wife and I'm starting to doubt myself, I fear that maybe I'm being unreasonable and actually being pathetic, childish, selfish and sexist. I'm not sure of anything right now.

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Post Information
Title My wife told me I'm horrible in the bed and pathetic/childish for feeling emasculated regarding this remarks.
Author Sevastz
Upvotes 9
Comments 91
Date March 13, 2016 4:37 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
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