RE: Surrendered Wife

December 15, 2015

So it has been suggested that some of us give our wives the Surrendered Wife by Lauren Doyle to help them realize that "bitching, nagging, etc" will not help in a marraige besides the RP philosophy that will counteract this behavior (attacking the problem on two fronts)

i read her recent book "First kill all marriage counselors" I personally couldnt stand this book. besides the constant website plugs, the feminist rhetoric was making me ill. i and was tipped off that her previous book would be also a helpful read (for my wife before giving it to her).

While there are some fantastic points in the book which will help an anxious wife/wives in general, I am literally gagging at the feminist rhetoric displayed here. For example:

  1. "if you dont like doing something, say i cant and walk away."

  2. You are a woman, you deserve presents!!!! There was only ONE fucking like that presents =/= gifts. One line, but the fact that she says that as a woman, if you are in a happy marriage, your husband will bend over backwards to make you happy because thats his SOLE RESPONSIBLITY.

  3. Your happiness is paramount, "happy wife, happy life"

Im really weighing the pros and cons of this book as it has been suggested here.

honestly, i think outside of my MAP/RP... she could get a lot out of MAP and this book.

I know there will be some flack regarding (you map > her map) and sharing of reading material but I have received conflicting messages here. Some leave their books out for the wives to read others refuse to say anything.


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Post Information
Title RE: Surrendered Wife
Author Griever114
Upvotes 8
Comments 17
Date December 15, 2015 2:30 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
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[–]Redneck001Red Beret6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

In my weaker days, I once gave my wife a book to explain what I was going through. She never read it, nothing changed, and we almost divorced. I don't plan on offering any more books to her. If she ever asked about my shit and wanted a book recommendation, I'd probably offer her MMSL.

So now, she reads what she wants and I read what I want. I lead by example, she's happy and does her girl thing. YMMV.

[–]innergametrumpsall5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Books work if you have OI and are willing to walk her through the anecdotes and compare to people you know.

A lot of what she says is actually very red pill. Basically she makes the consoluation that men are allowed to do beta things for women in LTRs so long as they women not in control. Then they are acts of genuine affection and not supplication.

Basically the book is that women get beta behavior as small rewards for allowing men to lead and demonstrate strong behavior. So it's give and take. It means you need to step up, and that she gets rewarded for letting things work. But if you're not doing the work, then it's worse for both of you.

You're misunderstanding some of the driving elements of the book.

1) This is about not being controlling and balance. Women, at least the type that this book is best written for (which is a significant portion of the accomplished female population), take on too much work and try to control the entire household. This results in resentment, anger and a lack of balance. The principle reason why they do this, is because they are unwilling to trust a man to help them achieve their goals. What this piece of advice is saying is that men will help around the house and help accomplish your goals, just that she can't simply dictate it. She gives other advice on "how to ask" for things. Basically the eb and sway here is that women are rewarded for feminine behavior. This way, helping becomes a reward in the way the chivalry used to be for feminine behavior (which is now either expected or admonished).

2) This is again a true part of the dynamic you're missing here. If she's surrendered, and her goal is to make your life easy, then you're doing the same. That doesn't mean that you're tying gifts in a way to her happiness or forgiveness (like a beta relationship). They are something she gets because she's filling her end of the bargain. Think of it as catnip for your cat. You like your cat, your cat likes to get high, give them some catnip every once and a while. Nothing wrong with it. Just don't use it as a motivator or as a way to apologize.

3) Is not about you making her happy, it's about her making herself happy. It basically pounds the point home that a husband isn't going to make someone who is unhappy a happy person. I don't see how you could have an issue with this point. It's NOT saying the "happy wife, happy life" bs you hear about supplicating.

[–]enfier2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Changing yourself requires self-realization and hard work and most women don't have the capacity for either.

[–]MRPguy6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Do NOT give her any RP reading material. You wanting to do so is based on the assumption that she will 1) read it and 2) is logical.

She may or may not read it, and she isn't logical. She is female. She operates on emotion and communicates covertly.

She wants you to be awesome, but she does NOT want to know how you became awesome. She doesn't want to know your struggles or the weight on your shoulders. Partly because she doesn't care, and partly because she wants to believe that she is the one that made you a better man. If you ruin this, you are toast.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

You change first. If she then shows interest in changing herself, you can give her a book. But if you do it before you are successfully captaining your ship, it is a beta weak supplicating thing where you want her to change to make you happy. SHe will interpret it as a victim puke, will think you weak, and will refuse to change just to test your shit, and you won't be ready to handle it.

tl;dr: you change yourself. stop worrying about her changing. it is the only way she will want to change.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy Link

Noted. What about the Doyle book itself? Any thoughts?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've never bothered, never affected my MAP.

when in doubt, fix you.

[–]rurpe0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuck the book. We are not here to change your wife or give her book suggestions. Change yourself and all the people in your life will respond.

[–]innergametrumpsall-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's okay. It has some fundamentals which are good for overly controlling women, but it was written by a woman who had a guy with no balls.

There's some good advice in there if you look for it, but it's not great, only good.

[–]strategos_autokratorRed Beret-2 points-1 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

BPP knows all the books.

I see no point in giving dogs dog training manuals hoping they start doing tricks.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

BPP actually suggested I give her the book :\

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I am apparently in the minority. Yes it is gagworthy but the book is not for guys!

The point of it is to convince a chick that submission is how she get's what she wants, not by being a ball busting loudmouth with purple hair but by being sweet and letting her husband lead.

Obviously you focus on yourself but if you wife actually wants something to read, I still think this book is it- and I think most RPW's agree.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you BPP!

The reason I entertained the suggestion is that the wife deals with anxiety (and fear based anxiety) so a bunch of the material really hit home when reading it. A majority of her shit/comfort/shitty comfort tests are from previous damage/anxiety issues.

I also want to point out, I, in no way, am alleviating myself of responsibility nor will I stop improving myself.

The sidebar is for me, the book is for her to learn that being a bitch will only get you kicked out the door.

[–]Redneck001Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

the book is for her to learn that being a bitch will only get you kicked out the door

Or, you could tell her that.

[–]adamalan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Is she asking for a book or for help dealing with something? Horse water and all that.

Sometimes these things go over better if a female friend gives it. It also depends on your frame. Do you have frame of teaching and leading your wife; then a book can fit in your normal routine.

Many years ago my wife read Created To Be His Helpmeat by Debi Pearl; it helped her a lot. Though if your wife is not a Christian it'll probably go over like a box of rocks.

[–]Bea_Noemi0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can confirm, it's extremely popular in the RPW sub and the women who have read it (myself included, unmarried but in an LTR) have mentioned improvements.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My spouse won't read it unless kayne and kim are in it somewhere.

Maybe it's just the type I have, she'll read a spreadsheet on quarterly revenue, but I couldn't give her a word paper.

I figure just lead. If theres an attitude change that will help her. Mention it briefly, direct her to the water. If it's good advice, she'll drink. Hell, I almost take it as a given, when I mention something, it's at least 8 hours until she will actually consider it. The rest is me either initiating or having to defend against a shit test

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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