Six month check-in: Progress, Dread, and the Road Ahead

February 24, 2019
20 upvotes

TL;DR – A recap of my first six months on MRP and a fuller description of the events that led me here.  I describe my path up to this point, which is DL 4 or 5. I finish by describing my plan as I see it now and asking for feedback.  My plan at this point is to focus on improving leadership skills and seduction/game. I have a six month goal of being able to pull plates if I want.

MAIN BODY

I’m posting this as a sort of extended OYS post.  It doesn’t appear in the typical OYS thread because I’m in the middle of a six-month ban from MRP.  Anyhow, this is part journal entry and part roadmap for whatever my path ends up being.

I conceive of my Red-Pill journey as having three main parts broken by two major events.  The first event occurred in Spring 2017 when I discovered the level of deception that my wife was capable of.  I’ll explain below. The period prior to this was my Pre-Blue Phase. I wasn’t really RP or BP at that point, I just was.  After Spring 2017 was my BP phase with an extra helping of Dead Bedroom. The second major event was finding TRP and then MRP in July/August of 2018.  That began my RP journey and brings me to this point.

Married, 45, wife 46, three kids, 5’8”, 160 lbs, 12 % BF.  DL 350, BS 280, BP 175, OHP 150. I don’t test my maxes often, a few of these are six months out of date.  I’ve been doing Crossfit 4x / week for a little over a year. Just completed Whole 30 diet, lost 7 lbs, and still adhere to much of it.  Dread Level: 4ish.

Readings: NMMNG (x2); MMSLP, MAP, How to Save a Low Sex Marriage, WISNIFG, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Models, Attraction is Not an Option, Book of Pook (parts of it), a lot of sidebar, tried WOTSM a few times but I don’t think I’m ready.

PRE-BLUE PHASE (Prior to Spring 2017)

I was a Nice Guy.  I played with the kids, had a good career, respected my wife.  I ran and biked a lot. Skied and climbed a little. I never got out of shape, but I never thought much about my attractiveness or my masculinity.  I drank A LOT. I smoked A LOT of pot. I played video games in the evening, looked at porn, got into stupid political arguments on social media. My career trajectory was fine, but not stellar.  I gave my wife a pass on everything because I figured she was the one taking care of the kids and she reminded me several times a day just how miserable she was. In the spirit of owning my shit, there’s a line from Book of Pook that I think summed up my existence pretty well (paraphrasing): “The first young man is facing TOWARDS infancy.  [He] wishes to climb back into the womb. [He] wishes a cushioned place in the world. [He] is ordinary, merely a filler of a void.” That was me – it still is in some ways.

I let my friends go; I let my hobbies go; I worked a lot, but not effectively.  I couldn’t have told you what I wanted – other than for the weekend to arrive so I could smoke a big bowl and go on a ten mile trail run.  Womblike, cushioned places were what I sought.

My wife generally ran our social life.  I didn’t really like her choice in friends, but didn’t think I had much say in the matter.  It seemed to revolve around who the kids were friends with.

FIRST EVENT – DECEPTION UNCOVERED

My wife forced a friendship between our kids and another family who I could see very clearly was a bad match for us and for our kids.  Their parenting style was horrendous, their kids were brats, their house was a disaster, and their dad, we’ll call him Chad, was always, always messing around on his phone.  I remember once they had us over for a BBQ, but Chad got too distracted, didn’t prepare anything, couldn’t work his grill, and so we all wound up going out somewhere. I was astonished at this poor performance.  Who the fuck can’t work their grill? A fucking gas grill?But my wife pressed on with the friendship.

Around this time, my wife started taking better care of herself.  She worked out, bought new clothes, changed her makeup scheme. She looked good.  We had a lot more sex. I felt like we had gotten through the hardest part of the young-kid years and were starting to reap some rewards.

Chad started coming up more and more in passing conversation.  My wife was nominally friends with his wife, but I don’t understand how anyone could be friends with his wife.  She was as exciting to talk to as a box of hammers and seemed miserable all the time. My wife started picking their kids up from school.  Their kids would come to our house, make a giant mess, and eat all of our food. Chad would come to get his kids later and once in a while I’d get home from work to find him sitting in my kitchen drinking my beer.  But for all that, he and I were not at all friends. He and my wife started working together on some political activism work and none of it seemed right to me.

I finally looked on her phone one day and was astonished at the volume and content of texting between Chad and her.  All sorts of emotional validation surrounding their political activism. The occasional random conversation about nothing.  Texts in the morning. Texts in the evening. Texts during the day. Nothing exactly incriminating, but a lot of it.

I fucking hit the roof.  I told her if I started feeling like a chump, things were going to get very ugly.  I actually think I handled this part of it properly. Problem: I was a paper tiger and she knew it.  I had no ability to walk away. It wasn’t in my mental makeup to torch a marriage. I could hardly even conceive of what was happening.  I think she sensed this and pushed back hard. She got closer and closer to him. I got bluer and bluer.

BLUE PILL / DEAD BEDROOM

I was confused, scared, hurt, you name it.  I told her all the time how much I loved her.  I bought gifts. I expressed my feelings to her.  I would buy anything for the kids and her and still have the credit card debt to show for it (almost unfucked as of this writing).  I told her over and over that I didn’t want to lose her. I started reading books on marriage and communication and how to be the smiling guy in the sweater, etc.  I was constantly anxious. I started working out a lot more to get out the anxiety. For a while I was doing 100 pushups every day. I ran all the time.  I meditated, I prayed, I told myself over and over that this was all in my head and was related to my attachment styles and whatever other forms of denial I could come up with.   The sex dried up almost entirely.  We would go months without having sex.  She could cut me to pieces just by looking at me in a mean way – which she did almost all of the time.  I openly wept in front of her on a few occasions. And – I was fucking pissed. I would shout in my car all the way to work and often all the way home as well.  Nothing made sense to me.

If I’m being 100 % honest, I don’t think she was fucking Chad.  But in any case, I didn’t like her relationship with him, she knew it, and she doubled and tripled down on it anyhow.  For a while I went into spy mode. I put a tracking device on her car. I made a habit of looking on her phone. I followed her in a work car a few times.  I would show up at our house unannounced in the middle of the day. When she was at her activism meetings, I would drive by to make sure she was where she said she would be.  I never found anything out of place. But I was fucking miserable. I didn’t sleep well. I drank all the time.

I actually had a “the talk” with her about how I wanted us to have sex more often.  You can imagine how well that went.

Despite how pitiful the Blue Pill phase was, I did have a few accomplishments.  I began going to Crossfit. I know it isn’t exactly “lifting”, but it has many of the same benefits.  I stopped smoking pot and playing video games entirely. I learned how to meditate. Toward the end, I greatly reduced my alcohol consumption.  These things have helped me subsequently.

Finally, one day, it came to me:  Our relationship, the way I understood it, was dead.  There was something there, but it wasn’t what it was before. That was gone, dead.  And I was staring at the corpse.

I’m not terribly woo woo, but once this sunk in, I swear to God I found TRP completely by accident within about 24 hours.  If I had found TRP even a week earlier, I probably would have dismissed the entire premise.

RED PILL / DREAD PATH

All of us can probably remember our initial unplugging.  I don’t know what to say about mine except that it was the only thing that had made sense to me in the preceding 14 months.  A lot of what I had experienced finally made sense.

I’m not going to win any land speed competitions for my Red Pill path.  I had some quick gains about a month or two into unplugging. Some of the stupidest PUA stuff actually worked on my wife.  Sex came back pretty strong. We were having sex 2x per week. I was getting fairly regular BJ’s. We would send little flirty, sexy texts to each other through the day.  But this didn’t last. I was only DL 1 or 2 max. I still hadn’t hardened up on the inside. I was still pursuing Blue Pill ends with a little bit of PUA mixed in.

I took a series of trips in the fall for work and for guy time.  The first few of these didn’t go so well. I was still paranoid about her relationship with Chad and, in all honesty, I didn’t like being away from my wife or my kids.  I didn’t have a lot of fun on the trips because I was missing the kids and my wife. That whole “mommy” trope that gets thrown around on this sub really hits the nail on the head.  I still looked at my wife as “mommy” and didn’t like being that far from her.

About this time I read WISNIFG and Seven Habits in quick succession.  Something clicked for me and I started to understand that I had come to MRP with the spotlight on my wife – as many of us do – and I had failed to take the light off of her and shine it on myself instead.

I also began to realize some of the benefits of RP approaches to parenting, my career, and relationships outside of my marriage.

Before my next work trip, I decided to focus on one thing only – taking control of my emotional state.  I came up with a scheme that worked pretty well for me. I’ll call this the 5 Step Rule. It is: Maintenance (First, do no harm; Keep the focus on yourself) – i.e. Don’t fuck yourself up and catch yourself early if you start doing it.

Recognition (Honestly assess your degree of independence) – Do you need to straighten yourself out? Did you fail to maintain?

Response (Begin with the end in mind; Be guided by your principles) –What state do you want to find yourself in?  What person do you want to be? Are you stopping yourself from being that person?

Mastery (Get yourself back on your feet)

Functioning (You’re up, go back to Maintenance)

I’m writing this out, because I found this blueprint to be helpful with some other supporting actions later on.

I wrote out a Personal Mission Statement.  This makes more sense to me than a MAP, although I think they serve the same purpose.  I also think that once your PMS is solid, it should serve to define your Frame too. Frame, in this case, I am defining the way Blue Pill Professor describes it as (paraphrasing) “The best version of yourself”.  I organize my Personal Mission Statement as a series of Principles, which guide me. Each principle is comprised of several Goals that are mid-term projects meant to feed into a Principle. Each Goal has a set of Supporting Actions which are the things I do now to move forward.  Supporting Actions can be reminders, short objectives (days to weeks in duration), or habits that I would like to develop.

Sex picked up again for a while.  But then something funny happened – I just started seeing my wife, my life, my relationships, and myself in a different light.  I’ve seen other guys write about this too. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like I needed sex for validation. And I have little appetite for duty sex.  So, my attraction to my wife has fallen a lot. I’m not sure what to make of this just yet. But I like the path I’m on, so I’m pressing ahead.

I started coaching one of my kids’ athletic teams. I also started staying after Crossfit classes for some extra strength work because that’s a weak area for me.  So, between these two I have something scheduled six days a week. I think this put me in DL 3. (The sports season just ended, so I have a few free nights again)

I started noticing that I would still have the occasional victim puke, so I applied the 5 Step Rule (described above).  This seemed to work. Next, the condition of my house started bothering me so I’ve worked on a series of home improvement projects.  I spend about 45 minutes each night either cleaning or repairing something or helping the kids clean or repair something. I put in a few weekends of work on larger projects as well.  Recently, I think my wife has responded by getting off Facebook and helping out too.

That brings me to my present situation.  I believe that I’m getting close to DL 5.  I’m in a bit of a slump at the moment, but this seems to happen just before a step forward.    THE ROAD AHEAD

If there’s a question in this post, it is – What do I do next?  I want to keep this relatively simple, so my main focus areas are going to be 1) leadership skills; and, 2) seduction.

Leadership – I’m reading sections of Laws of Human Nature and re-reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  I have begun taking over aspects of the family life / household and will continue taking over more of it.  I see this as a fairly all-encompassing endeavor that will affect my parenting style, my marriage, my friendships, and of course my career.  This doesn’t come naturally to me.

Seduction - I have a six month goal of being able to pull plates if I want to.  Maybe I won’t want to, I haven’t decided. But this is something I should be able to do.  I have a rough plan in place to move me in that direction. Very briefly, it is: NoFap (Desire is the gas in the car); Basic tools (Seddit; re-read Pook; maybe others; I don’t want to overdo this part); Put myself in pickup situations (20-60 minutes a few times a week); Learn polarization (Be a man; communicate masculinity); Escalation; Rejection; Plate opportunities.  I went NoFap a few weeks ago and am still “king of the castle” as it were. I go out 1 or 2 nights a week. Sometimes by myself. This is hard for me.

I check in with Dread and still try to adhere to the path.  I’m having to adjust my mentality a bit because I didn’t picture myself getting past DL 4 or 5, but I think I’m in that range now.  Learning game and acting upon it obviously puts me way up at DL 8 or 9, which may be about right for a six month goal.

I’ll leave it at this for now.  Feedback is sought and appreciated. Let the “faggots” fly.  

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Post Information
Title Six month check-in: Progress, Dread, and the Road Ahead
Author IRunYourRiver
Upvotes 20
Comments 32
Date February 24, 2019 5:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/six-month-check-in-progress-dread-and-the-road.219848
https://theredarchive.com/post/219848
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/auahfj/six_month_checkin_progress_dread_and_the_road/
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