Context:

  • Wife has noticed my efforts toward self improvement (primarily the lifting/exercise and diet, significant weight loss, etc.).

  • Today I went to an out-of-county courthouse; a random 8/10 woman attorney at the courthouse sees me, goes to the part of the court I was in (she had no reason to be there), strikes up a conversation and asks what I was doing afterward. I smiled, answered the question and went on my way. In casual conversation with my wife, I told her about it playfully; she laughed and was playful back.

  • Later in the evening, someone from reddit sent me a Facebook message asking a biblical question, and I answered it in my typical analytical fashion (I do this for lots of people). My wife noticed the chat head on my phone was a younger, beautiful girl and became very upset, coming to me in private saying that I'm not respecting healthy boundaries in our marriage and that I should be going out of my way to avoid conversations with other women that might lead into temptation.

My response - I never lost my cool. Said very boldly, yet calmly, "I don't think I did anything wrong. If someone asks for help, I'm going to help them. You have nothing to worry about; this girl has a boyfriend and lives in another country. I am not going to cheat on you with her or anyone else."

She continued to complain about the situation. I reassured her that she had nothing to worry about and that I also have a standard of healthy boundaries - that they might be different from hers, but that I'm not her and I know what lines I should not cross and I am not even close to crossing any lines.

Questions

  1. Was my response DEERing? I noticed after the fact that I did defend myself ("I didn't do anything wrong"), I explained the situation ("has a boyfriend, out of country"), I made excuses ("It's okay because I'm not at risk of cheating on you with her"), and all of this could amount to rationalizing the situation.
  • If this is, in fact, DEERing, what would the appropriate red pill response have been? Just succumb and say, "You're right, I shouldn't be talking to any women who are young and pretty" (i.e. fogging)? That doesn't sound right either.

  1. My interpretation of today's events goes something like this, tell me if I'm off-base: The accusations were a crap-test; the first incident probably raised her dread level, but she played it off (any thoughts on why?). Nevertheless, it made her insecure, so when the second incident came up, even though that was far less objectionable, she took it more seriously and was trying to use her anger to push me back into the box of her control, testing the strength of her frame against my frame.

  2. Am I correct in understanding that the correct RP response was to do as I did: hold frame (i.e. not get upset, act as if everything is normal) and refuse to back down when I haven't violated any of my own personal standards or boundaries?