~ archived since 2018 ~

Telling me how to discipline kids

November 6, 2018

Hi Guys, big improvements from sidebar and lifting over last 2 months, but i have a recurring problem that im not sure how best to deal with.

I has 2 young kids and sometimes they misbehave or cry like crazy over something minor like all kids do sometimes. My wife is very quick to shout at them and tell them off, tell them to stop crying, put them on the naughty step, where as i normally give them a little bit of time and ask them in a calm voice to calm down or stop being silly, ignore them a little and only after that start raising my voice etc.

This usually works for me fine, they calm down of their own accord, but when the wife is there she immediately starts telling me to tell them off, meaning shout at them or not let them get away with things, or your being too soft. To me this is because she gets angry when they misbehave and shouts because shes angry, but will never just leave me to do what i think is appropriate, she thinks i should do exactly what she does, or im being to soft.

I have tried to explain my way often works but she just thinks im being a wimp and i sure this lowers her respect for me. Ive tried explaining there is more than one way but she may agree when all is calm, but then just does the same thing regardless next time.

So, am i just being too soft and should really make sure to be the loud no nonsense discipline parent in the house, should i do my calm give them time, ignore approach, and just keep saying to her ive got it, or stop interfering over and over again.

Any other ideas, thoughts? I need to get this sorted as i think its undermining some of my good progress recently.

Thanks in advance

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Post Information
Title Telling me how to discipline kids
Author fruitylad
Upvotes 13
Comments 54
Date November 6, 2018 11:34 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/telling-me-how-to-discipline-kids.203817
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9unkra/telling_me_how_to_discipline_kids/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine19 points20 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Are they really young?

She is probably misinterpreting your way as not doing anything. Look at her parents, one of them probably lashed out the same way to her- that’s all she knows how to do.

Stop DEERing and explaining. Maybe they do need an immediate punishment, hard to tell.

Tell her to hit the fucking road if she doesn’t like it. Man up on her, not the kids.

[–]fruitylad[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

They are 3 and 6, yes ive stopped DEERing but it makes an already difficult situation harder as not only is the kid throwing a tantrum, shes getting pissy at me at the same time. I cant stop her doing it though. I appreciate its hard to convey the exact situation over a post, but i think your probably right though in that i should be manning up to her rather that the kids. Maybe a bit of both.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Put your wife on the naughty step.

[–]RedPillCoach2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

not only is the kid throwing a tantrum, shes getting pissy at me at the same time. I cant stop her doing it though.

You can stop caring if she gets pissy and ignore her. She is directing her frustration at the kids behavior at you. Obviously if the kid is misbehaving that is on the parents and it is much easier for the Hamster to simply attack the man. It is what they do naturally anyway.

We have no control over her behavior, or at least only very indirect control. However you have 100% control over your behavior.

[–]fruitylad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She is directing her frustration at the kids behavior at you. Obviously if the kid is misbehaving that is on the parents and it is much easier for the Hamster to simply attack the man. It is what they do naturally anyway.

This is EXACTLY what i think is going on. As you say i can ignore her and have been trying this as best as i can.

It reminds me of post i read recently about women tending to shit test more when your already under pressure, as its the best time to test frame and leadership, so the example given (extreme) was if you dad just died she might give you some extra harsh shit tests at that time, lol women as great arent they!

[–]mrssmithhh0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The sad thing is that I could almost guarantee that the kids are misbehaving because the mom is emotionally spastic and looking for someone to blame. Women really do “hamster,” but that’s no excuse to be a bad mom. We all need some self awareness of what our default instincts are, so that we can override them with a reasonable action when the situation warrants it.

[–]FoxShitNasty8314 points15 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Two things that work for me, when they are miss behaving and not doing what they are told I lead them to another room and actively encourage them to "get the silly out" go on wave your hands in the air, go nuts run around for a bit actively encourage and do the same.. ok come here let me look in your ears (hmm) open wide... Ahh yes still more silly in there let's go again. Once the silly is all out then we can carry on with whatever they were doing.

When they lose their shit and calm talking isn't working or they are kicking off angry style. It's time for a daddy hug, hold till they are calm... A few tickles here and there. They cannot move, kiss on the head... Ahh daddy time. (Got this tip from someone here .. damn hero)

Look at wife.... Do you need some daddy time?

Wife even says to them, if you don't behave your going to have to do some daddy time. She isn't strong enough to restrain them.. But you are?

Chad is right, who cares what she thinks do it your way. Kids will respect you for it.

[–]fruitylad[S] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

This is really good as i think it suits my general style and personality, thanks, will definitely be trying the daddy hug next time.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine10 points11 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You sound too nice tm .

Are you being aggressive towards your wife? Picking her up, showing your strength, dgaf attitude, kino, Gaming her, spanking that ass?

She wants it rough from a dominate man. - why she’s telling you to be more assertive with the kids. Talking about herself.

[–]RedPillCoach5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Projection thy name is woman.

[–]mrssmithhh2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is probably true, but it's not healthy and definitely not good for the kids. Just be cause the wife identifies bullying small children and yelling as assertion doesn't mean that it's what should happen.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

yelling as assertion

Im hoping as with my above comment, as i become more attractive with sidebar and lifting, she will just begin to follow my lead on things with the kids and the problem will slowly correct itself over time

[–]fruitylad[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She wants it rough from a dominate man. - why she’s telling you to be more assertive with the kids. Talking about herself.

I had not considered this but it makes a lot of sense. I have been a lot more physical and dgaf with her recently, its part of the changes ive made during the turn around in things. It would make sense then that if im consistent with being the dominant man she wants, she should naturally over time lower her feeling of need to complain about my handling of the kids as she wouldn't need to indirectly ask me to be more assertive with her.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

nice tm .

Lol Gold

[–]seedster52 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is some solid parenting.

[–]3legsbetter0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Quality suggestions here, bookmarked.

My kid is too young for most of this to work, but I (along with OP, apparently) find the biggest challenges to my leadership seem to come from my wife's expectations re: interaction with my kids.

[–]fruitylad[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Its logical though, leadership is about other people, and of all the people in your life that you should be leading and have respect from, its going to be the kids, as they are much younger, less developed and by default under your control.

My wife definitely sees any problems with the kids as my responsibility and so if the kids arent meeting her expectations, regardless of how arbitrary,, wrong or unrealistic they are, your going to lose attraction points in her eyes.

[–]470_2_700_nm5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My wife likes to direct how I should act or what I should do, not just with the kids, but with everything.

This morning she set an expectation from bed to one of our children and then asked me to follow up on enforcing. I said “no” with no explanation. Blue pill me used to jump up all the time (god damn it I was so hen pecked back then).

Didn’t let it stop me from kinoing her ass with my dick, but any verbal intercourse was reserved forhow her ass and skirt makes my dick feel.

She loves to judge, and to show bitchiness. I stay calm ourtwardly, and mostly internally. In fact, she did it his morning, and on the way out after having largely ignored her comments she yelled from the door as she was leaving “goodbye!” I walked straight to her, stood tall and let her lean in for a kiss. She couldn’t resist rubbing my balls before her departure - kids right there.

I’m going to make her come hard tonight. See they just need to know the man they are with is the right bet. The closer to Chad we become, the less this this hypergamous doubt plays on their cute little brains.

As a final note - I can’t tell if your wife is a crazy bitch. But I will say this: I have a neighbour who is inconsistent with his kids behaviour. He is repulsive to the women who watch him. His kids suck too. Ask yourself this: why is your wife feeling the need to play the hard ass? Does this seem backwards to a typical mother father kid dynamic? Because to me it most certainly does.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Does this seem backwards to a typical mother father kid dynamic? Because to me it most certainly does.

Yeah it does, which is why i question myself a little, i think i might be a little harsher but only a little.

Overall i think the best option as you say her is to ignore as best as you can and remain emotionally unperturbed. Seems weird on the surface but is so funny how women quickly reward dominant behaviour, with you it was at the door. The other day my wife asked me to go to the shop for her, i said no ive been planned to lift weights now the kids are in bed, her response was to give me a kiss. lol.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

My thought is that disciplining children has two goals. One is to correct the immediate behavior, while the other is setting an example of how to appropriately deal with others. If you find a way that you can successfully do both, then stick with it.

Don't worry about how the wife is perceiving this. Her feelings are her problem.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

setting an example of how to appropriately deal with others

Thinking about it, i think this maybe where the wife and i disagree. To her the only goal is the stop the immediate behaviour, and a good shout, put them in their room, threat to take things away often works, she even put her finger in my daughters mouth the other day when she was crying, i asked what was she doing, she said it works to stop her crying, I told her never do that again.

My main concern is always longer term, showing them how to talk to and interact with others for success in the future.

[–]wkndatbernardus0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, she is in crisis management mode because she's probably incapable of setting the proper guidelines/standards for the kid's behavior beforehand. Parenting is tge long game. The reason why parents resort to yelling/corporal punishment is that they failed somewhere along the way, usually months or years before the misbehavior happens.

It's actually really simple, expectations for behavior are set early on in the child's life and if/when those standards aren't met, immediate correction should be made. This takes vigilance and lack of laziness. If you're parenting right, the household should be a place of peace and cooperation, not yelling and antagonism. Plus, showing your wife you have the parenting thing on lock is great for her sense of dread/admiration of you.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Plus, showing your wife you have the parenting thing on lock is great for her sense of dread/admiration of you.

I dont know how true in general this is but i definitely get the feeling that each time she sees me dealing with the kids and everything stays calm and all troubles are dealt with, i get double points from her so to speak. Not sure if this is just something thats specific to her or true in general.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

People have touched on it here and there but I'm going to say this succinctly.

This has nothing to do with your kids. Whether you beat them or don't discipline at all is irrelevant. You have boundary problems and if you do t get them under control it will only get worse.

We have a strict policy in my house. If you start the discipline, you finish it. This ensures the kids don't play you against the other spouse. I reserve the right to overrule all actions in the house. I call this the Silverback clause, and it's a right I've earned through years of leadership.

Sit your wife down after the fact when the kids are in bed and tell her.

"I need you to not interfere when I'm disciplining the kids. I also need you to not pass discipline off to me and niwther will I pass it off to you.

Can you do this for me?"

Then give her a clear boundary.

"it's up to you if you can or can't. But if you can't, I have to think about other options."

If you can't enforce the boundary don't have the conversation. Use your best WISNIFG. Don't DEER.

My wife has occasionally misspoke during me disciplining the kids. I quickly stop that shit in its track," knock it off right now. I don't interfere unless you ask for help." She usually quickly retreats and apologizes. After, I'll give her a chance to redeem herself and offer input to her actions. That's why I'm the Silverback.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's why I'm the Silverback.

Hell yeah. There’s some gold nuggets in comments lately

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Subconsciously this is my mentality, if i started the discipline its all up to me from then on, that's why it feels right to ignore her. I have said when she does it dont interfere, but she continues on. Maybe a talk when all is calm would be a good idea like you suggest.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not suggesting a talk. I'm suggesting establishing a boundary.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, i meant talk to her to tell her whats acceptable and whats not, eg establishing a boundary . Must be careful with words here when talking RP as the meaning can completely change by not being precise enough.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Subconsciously this is my mentality,

LOOOOOOOOOL. I don't fucking believe you. With the way you wrote the situation and how you've responded in these comments, I don't believe you at all.

You must've missed this part

Silverback clause, and it's a right I've earned through years of leadership.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I meant its my mentality with the bit that said if i started the discipline its entirely up to me to see it through, hence why its particularly annoying for her to interrupt as she does, and why it feels right to ignore her for doing so.

The bit where UEMcGill says he has earned the right to overrule due to years of strong leadership, of course is what i dont have and aspire to get by getting good at leading well now and long into the future.

[–]RedPillCoach1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Many women today see their roles not as a 'helpmeat' but as an opponent. No matter what the man does or says, she always takes the opposite and creates eternal conflict.

Every day is opposites day in that type of marriage and it can be absolutely maddening! You run around building a nice little sand castle and the bully with a vagina in your home follows you with a bucket of water. As soon as your castle starts to look decent she dumps the bucket and leaps on your sand castle with both feet.

The only thing you can do is to differentiate yourself to the extent where you are not relying on her agreement and validation to take care of your kids.

Here is the dynamic you have allowed to develop:

Husband wants something done, anything really: Wife digs in heals, undermines like a damn termite, and spends all her time destroying what you are trying to build.

Wife wants something done, anything really: Husband lowers his shoulder like a plow horse and tries to get it done for her.

If she is being unreasonable I would not argue with her. I would simply ignore her ramblings and do whatever you think is best. If she tries to physically interfere I would physically interfere with her and prevent her from physically interfering. If she tries to shout you down I would advise her that is not what we are doing and she needs to be quiet.

You guys need to have an agreement and understanding that this Cold War should not be fought over the kids.

In matters of sexual denial, the only solution is total victory for the man- with the wife or with somebody better. However, raising kids requires communication and compromise. You should compromise as much or even more than the wife but that doesn't mean you let her abuse you and the kids and shit all over you.

am i just being too soft

I have no idea based on your one-sided story. You may be or you may not be. However, if the only reason you are questioning yourself is because your wife is a criticizing banshee that is a terrible thing to base your behavior.

Do what YOU think is best. That may be listening to your wife. That may mean telling her to shut the Hell up, I have got this and I don't need you to interfere.

Guess who gets to decide? (Hint: Not your wife).

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

do whatever you think is best.

This is such a big part of the picture for me coming back and refreshing myself with red pill ideas. I think rollo tomassi puts it best when her says make yourself your mental point of origin. So much is wrapped up in that statement, but it critical as a man to do this so you can truly use you knowledge and wisdom to determine what YOU think is best.

[–]seedster51 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This sounds simple and stupid. But punish your wife. Her way is clearly wrong and harmful to development. Don't let her fuck with your kids heads. You are the captain and there is only one captain on this ship. I know it's nuking your relationship but fuck man I will do anything in my power so my kids don't grow up thinking yelling/shouting is a solution to the problem. No more explanation. That ship has sailed.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

eg man up to the wife

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yelling at kids or corporal punishment is just not a good idea. Kids can get desensitized to it and that means they will just push the envelope even further. When that happens you'll reach a point where either the kids will simply not care about your yelling or corporal punishments and/or you will reach a limit as to how much you can do it. This will hurt me more than you is a saying for a reason.

Yelling and/or spanking should be in your arsenal of punishments, but the least seldom used in order to be effective. Spanking is better used like a nuclear weapon. It's in our arsenal, we are prepared to use it, it's not our first option to use, but if necessary it will be deployed to effect. The threat of a spanking is often more effective than the spanking itself -- the ultimate punishment.

Yelling out of anger is just emotional contagion. Emotionally kids react to the anger and get angry or defensive themselves. Raising your voice to be dominant or to get attention is one thing, but just yelling is not productive. Watch SupperNanny if that show is still on. That nanny held a oak-like frame and didn't have to yell or use corporal punishment to enforce household rules.

[–]mrssmithhh1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


When they parents yell, it's usually just because the parent is no longer able to control his/her emotions and wants to put them off into the kid - ie they want to make the kid feel the same anger, frustration, ______ - whatever the emotion is - that the parent feels, because if the kid feels it and then acts it out, the parent can punish the child for displaying what the parent considers to be bad. It's a really vicious thing.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will check out super nanny, thanks

[–]IRunYourRiver0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Kids shit test for many of the same reasons as women and the response should be similar. They want to know that someone is in charge. In my experience, you get better results when they do the yelling and not you.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is an exact parallel there isnt there, kids test to see what they can get away with and which boundaries are real, which is exactly what a shit test is at its heart.

[–]Kpwn880 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Buy the book, No Drama Discipline and read it in front of her, when she asks about it, tell her she's more than welcome to read it with you.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will check it out, thanks.

[–]Red-Nerd130 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had an incident with where my wife was trying to pick a fight with me in front of our son the other day. I told her I wasn't having this discussion with her in front I'd him. If you want to have this discussion, we can wait until his nap. She proceeded to yell at me, 'oh yes we are having this discussion!'. I literally just responded with 'You can harp all you want I guess, I certainly can't contribute that'. Then I STFU, she yelled for a minute or two while I just ignored her and went about my business like nothing was happening.

She calmed down later and we had a nice civil conversation discussion about it. That discussion opened up with an apology from her & it hasn't happened since.

I know it's not exactly a parallel situation, but you need to simply ignore a behavior you don't approve of. When she starts yelling at you to do something, you just ignore her. Do what you feel is best if you truly do feel that you're doing the best thing. If needed, get the kids and leave fit the park without her or something.

[–]mrssmithhh0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Sounds like she is repeating her own childhood experiences and does not understand that children are people, too, and don't automatically need to be punished for every little things. People that act like that were usually punished, themselves, for the silliest things. Sound like she interprets domination, force, and bullying as being a leader.

Not sure what all you can actually do except for fold, and start yelling at your children to appease her, or take control of the situation and hold fast to your own standards of behaving with integrity towards your children, and insist (lovingly, of course, but still unbendingly) that she confront her own, personal reasons for lashing out at yours kids.

There's not really going to be a middle ground. If you fold, this will probably continue and escalate as the kids get older and into "bigger" problems, and essentially you will be choosing to sacrifice your kids to appease your wife.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

take control of the situation and hold fast to your own standards

This has to be the right thing to do, get a clear sense of whats right and do it regardless of the wife, ignoring as appropriate. As i said above, my gut feeling is as i move from lower smv disrespected husband to higher smv, strong frame, leader, physically buff husband she will trust in my leadership more and cut it out naturally as time goes on.

[–]officerkondo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ask her if she understands why you two do not yell and shout at each other when you have a disagreement. That is the same reason why you do not yell and shout at your children.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

have you tried spanking your wife for misbehavior?

weak leadership breeds resentment, frustration, and poor behavior.

[–]everythingyouthink0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Calmly modeling appropriate behavior to your children is the right thing to do. Who wants to live in a house with yelling all the time. You’re teaching your kids how to take control o their emotions and modeling to them how to raise their children.

Tell you wife that you’re adults, and not going to yell like toddlers.

You’re on the high road. Keep it up. Keep explaining to your wife.

[–]friendandadvisor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

One thing that parents such as your wife don't realize is that THE CHILD IS DESIGNED TO BE LOUD, STUPID, AND DISOBEDIENT! Your wife sounds as if she is frustrated at the kids for being like this, which is like being frustrated at a child for not knowing Calculus or Thermodynamics. She is also probably frustrated because she 'told them a thousand times not to/to do X'. Forgetting and disregarding stuff is also programmed into children of that age. Remind her that she should be happy that they can get rambunctious, for that means that they are healthy and developing properly, and that the opposite would be 10000 times worse.

Her frustration is also reasonable, wherein lies the paradox. You should start calling her down with these reminders when she goes overboard, and trying to educate her right then. Take her, gently, aside and tell her "I'll deal with it", and send her to another room. Not as punishment, but, to get her comfortable-maybe even tell her to get naked.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m reading a book that explains that often when kids misbehave it’s because they are looking for attention, whether it’s good or bad. Even you yelling at them is attention and it’s better than no attention at all. All about operant conditioning.

They act a certain way=you respond to them=they learn to keep doing it because it got attention.

Some behaviour needs to be ignored. As for getting your wife on board, have her read the book too and explain that yelling is counterproductive and actually can damage your relationship with kids.


[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thats why i think ignoring their bad behaviour usually works, once they see its getting them nowhere, they stop of their own accord.

[–]BigGayGainz-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If your kids are crawling all over your wife, being loud and distracting. She might need a break, that stuff is draining, they can go play in another room. You shouldn't let your kids do things that make you not like them, some day soon they will need to interact with people who don't love them. If you teach them to be cool they are going to have an easier time in life.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you teach them to be cool they are going to have an easier time in life

This is always my concern, social skills are mega important to life, more so than their grades in school if you ask me, so my goal is always to show them how to interact with people and have fun in life. Funny thing is the kids always come to me for everything first rather than her so they dont crawl over her all the time, shes used to me looking after them, which is how i prefer it. She has an everything is just too much hassle for her a lot of the time.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've read a few books.. id have to skim through them again to remember which one recommends what.

But kids are emotional and a simple loss of something insignificant (to us) can cause a huge surge of emotions that they might not understand or have the ability to manage. Even as an adult you can get cut-off on the road and have a surge of anger... kids don't understand how to control that surge

My first step is typically connecting with them that "yes, daddy gets mad when there's no more chips when he wants them too" - Just like wives want you to listen without solving problems you cannot rationalize the emotions out of a kid. Connect to the emotion they are feeling... make it known that you feel it too and things will be OK. Help them breathe through it.

Now, with that said... When the kids do something bad I have no problem quickly grabbing them and putting them into some type of 'time out' corner. I speak to them sternly and let them understand that they will be in that corner until they calm down and if they yell or scream (which is their default reaction to being put in time out) they will stay in that corner for MUCH longer. After 2-4 minutes I go back and talk to them and let them understand that I feel those angry emotions too sometimes... I help them relax and tell them I will be back... After 1-2 more minutes I ask if they are ready to go back.. I give them a hug and that's it. Do not force them to say 'sorry' as you are training them to lie to get out of trouble.

My wife also has the skewed view that yelling at your children is discipline but giving them the tools to handle their uncontrollable emotions is weak. I've since told her that if she wants to go back to our grandparents era I will be expecting a clean fucking house and dinner ready every day. Otherwise she better drop her out-of-date ideals.

[–]fruitylad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I remember somewhere reading something similar which i totally agree with. They said telling you kid to stop crying or shouting to get them to stop feels to a kid like invalidating their perfectly valid emotions. Any emotion they have as a young human growing up being is valid, and you should instead show them you understand and its ok to feel like that, but hey, look how we can get over it, think about it like this or later this will happen and it will be ok etc

That feels like common sense to me but to my wife, she is only concerned with the immediate moment, her emotions in the moment, and a crying kid is an annoyance that need to be stopped quickly by whatever means necessary.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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