Update: I hired a PI...report

March 17, 2018

Gents, following up as requested. Previous posts show why I did what I did. I hired a PI and they followed my wife for about a month. She does exercise classes on M and W and that is her time off, so the right place to find if something is up.

First two nights: nothing, she went to class and then the grocery store. Third night: went to class, and afterwards she gets into a truck that I later find out belongs to one of her car group friends. The PI stated that there was no PDA, they just got in drove around and stopped and talked in the gym parking lot. PI stated this was unusual but it looked strictly platonic from what he saw. Last check: she went to class and then went over to his house. They were in the garage working on a project car. Again PI didn't see anything weird, and provided video and a report. She was there for about 30-45 minutes and left without any PDA or anything like that.

Now this is where I stand. A few months ago i would have been all about this, like 100% insecure well fuck I guess I was if I got a PI.

Anyways this is a gut check to myself that the wife will do what she wants but I cannot run a story in my head. She likes cars, guns, and motorcycles. She doesn't have many female friends so I can see her doing this without any ill will. She would rather hangout working on cars then get pedicures. She had mentioned that she wants to hangout with friends more but doesn't have the time due to being deployed.

Friend in question is in his 40ies, overweight and LBF.

This BP victim needs to die and I think it is. The fact that the ghosts of insecurity got the best me is a hard pill to swallow. I think if it was more it would be easier but this is more reflection of myself now. I'm going to lift and kill these false ideas.

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Post Information
Title Update: I hired a PI...report
Author broneilbro
Upvotes 13
Comments 44
Date March 17, 2018 5:42 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/update-i-hired-a-pireport.204711
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/851vdz/update_i_hired_a_pireport/
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[–]man_in_the_world23 points24 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Hamster all you like, but you know this isn't right.

[–]SteelSharpensSteel4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with this comment. The whole situation seems not right.

The problem is, you're deployed, and can't do much about it, other than Facetime her during your normal hours, and get ripped and lift weights until you are the baddest mofo around.

I agree with Bobby's notion on therapy - it might help you to get out of your head a bit.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I wanted girl who loves cars and sometimes it comes with the territory. We had discussions about this in the past because some of the guys didn't take the "lets be friends" and was showing up at weird hours. It took me explaining it to her and reading her texts (she handed me the phone) to read it in the way he wrote it. He did write some things like "I could treat you better" blah blah blah. I told her if a girl was writing that to me she wanted me and she would raise the same eyebrow.

[–]InChargeMan2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Maybe I'm missing something. If you ask her "What did you do yesterday?" What does she say?

[–]broneilbro[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She would say she went to class, and ran errands. I'm thinking she would not say she went and hung out with him because previous BP me, would get jealous of her hanging out with her car friends while I was deployed.

It's most likely a carryover because I would ask question like "who you hanging out with?" She would say who and pussy me would be like "I don't like that".

I've minimized/stopped asking and worrying about because looking back it was jealously well more like envy because I'm deployed and dudes are able to hangout with my wife.

It's a complex picture...

[–]Rian_Stone2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank God you stopped worrying about it to the point you'd interrogate

[–]thatboyjeff0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wife is spending 1 on 1 time with another man, at his house. Its cool man, hes fat.

[–]BobbyPeru4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It’s unfortunate that you had to spend the $ to find out you have a serious insecurity issue. However, now you know the problem, so how about looking for a solution. I can’t remember your exact history, but I believe a male counselor could help your thinking process through either CBT or REBT therapy. You might want to try that. It’s nothing too extreme. They are just processes to interject new thoughts into your cognitive machine, which clearly has some clogs currently.

I want to make it clear, I’m suggesting individual counseling by a male - not couples counseling. This is an individual issue for you to deal with, and sometimes we just need someone to help us get out of the mud.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Appreciate the suggestion. I do find myself suppressing more of the "primal" reversions back to the old me. It is something that sucks but I will see what options are available in town once I get back

It does suck that I spent the money but again maybe its good to see punishment as myself as in..."You are a dumbass and spent xxxx to find out your insecure"

[–]SgtSilverBack5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nah, you spent money and got a solid result. You found out something about yourself.

Its like spending spending way more time and money to fix a car yourself rather than paying a pro. Yup, you paid money to learn about something and yourself. I'd say it's a bit priceless.

[–]simbarlion5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There is a difference between an affair and a disinterest in a marriage. But it's not massive.

Seems the problem is more likely the latter.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'll agree with you on this. We have done three deployments and each one is slightly different. I am a recovering BP, and still have the RP deep within but stuff like this shows the "awakening" or recognization of stupid actions and tendencies.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You learned what I learned so slowly. The problem was me.

You might be more attractive if you fix your mental models. Your mental state IS the problem. She can do whatever.

AKA: I have seen the enemy and it is us.

[–]broneilbro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This right here. My deployment is allowing to monk it out and really reflect on the past couple years.

Again it's a bitter pill to swallow but learning from the tribe on here and within other groups is what is needed.

A year ago if my wife wanted to divorce me I would probably be in shambles. Now if she would, I would act 180 degrees off of it. Is it what I want? Absolutely not but that saying "you aren't hers, it's just her turn" kicked down the pedestal.

The main thing I care about is my daughter now as I reflect on how shitty I have been because of not owning my shit.

It goes to my saying... The darkest and brightest place a man can go is within himself.

[–]Gaetanorex2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Real simple. You are either OK with your woman hanging out with guys or you're not.

If you're not, you tell her that she is free to do whatever she wants but you're wife isn't going to be hanging out with guys.

This is your life, you get to set the rules.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think this I s the best answer. A guy has the right to say "no male friends" and "you dont' get to keep in touch with ex boyfriends". Some people will say that's insecurity. I don't care. My life, my rules. My house, my rules.

[–]The_Litz4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Are you disappointed that there was nothing?

[–]broneilbro[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm more disappointed in my insecurity now that I have bitten the RP...

[–]The_Litz2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Nope, your gut feeling was not happy, nothing wrong with verifying it. There were 2 incidents in my marriage that I today wish I had verified. It was about 18 years ago. I believed I married a snowflake so didn't bother. After swallowing the pill, reading The rationale male, and finding out about her sister's affair, I realised what I let slide.....

She may not be the problem, but her bud will sooner or later try his luck, yes, even an ol beta chump.

I can't figure girls out that are into guy stuff. My experience with it was a friend. Me and her used to swop tools, talk tools, cars and shit while her husband organized his stamp collection. Her job was my hobby so we spent time at her work place etc.

In the end, she did cheat on him, with another woman.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

That last part was interesting.

She's into guy stuff because her parents divorced when she was 8. Her dad was the best parent and her mom was and still is a psycho saying "if you don't talk to me I'll kill myself".

She learned how to make better relationships with guys than girls because of that. I had to explain it to her once and see the perspective of it. She has traits like her mother where she is unable to step back and see from other viewpoints.

[–]UEMcGill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dated a chick who was an aerospace engineer. Yep a fucking rocket scientist. I thought I'd hit the fucking lottery. She walked, talked and thought like an engineer. Except when she didn't. She would revert to feelz before reelz, because fucking a AWALT.

In the end your woman is a special snowflake until AWALT. You need to always assume a woman will default to behaviors of a woman. Even though she successful at navigating through a traditional male hobby she still does it from the prospective of a woman. She seeks social cohesion, and social status.

So even though she has special skills you need to treat her like the woman she is.

[–]RuleZeroDAD1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She has traits like her mother all women where she is unable to step back and see from other viewpoints.

FTFY. This is the very definition of solipsistic thinking. Expect this to be the norm. It's in the reading.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

You don't have a question and already stated your answer so let me highlight it:"

This BP victim needs to die

As for the rest:

ghosts of insecurity

Reframe this in your own mind. You were not "insecure." You were merely "trusting but verifying." there is nothing wrong with obtaining some mental insecurity if you have some coin to throw around in my opinion.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I will have to agree with that. I did it, not because of what it could produce, but because previously I felt something was up but listened to what she said vice what she did. For months I was a mess because I knew it but trusted her and didn't want to rock the boat. When I got that same feeling I had to kill it or it would have eaten me up for months while deployed and didn't want that to drag my attention away.

I'm going deployed monk; reading, lifting, reflecting, and burying the BP deep.

Not to get sentimental but appreciate the support this group has.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

deployed monk

I am pretty sure Monk Mode is not recommended for deployed military. Your wife is not cheating, at least not right now, so there are no issues. Now is the time for you to take charge, not be a disinterested "monk." At a minimum you should skype her every day (or when you can) while on deployment.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I used the monk term incorrect. I meant period of reflection and revision, not shutoff to the world. Focus on self improvement and get yolk like those Thai fighting monks.

We have scheduled Skype on Saturdays as my schedule is Sunday through Thursday and 8 hours ahead. She works full time but at lunch we FaceTime some days.

We were doing everyday on previous deployment but minimized the time for shit to talk about if that makes sense.

Today our daughter told her she threw away her wallet. Wife apparently was stoic about it and just sent me "your daughter threw my wallet away". That's a convo starter lol.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Monk Mode usually means that you stop having sex with the wife for a period of time (like a Monk). I was not sure how that worked on deployment and assumed it meant you went into isolation and stopped talking to her. Of course you know what happens when we ASS-U-ME.

Stoney is the man you need to follow and take advice from. /u/TheFamilyAlpha also has experience as a deployed military guy.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Copy. We have done 3 deployments and each one we do a lessons learned. First deployment I got envious of an orbiter she was always hanging out with. She called it jealously I told her I'm not jealous of a LARPer. Slight DEERing but it was a boundary I was enforcing. We tried the talking everyday but I found out it was me reaching out looking for external validation and talk got boring as not enough time had passed. Second deployment was better but still slight BP, this deployment is doing better in some sense minus the distractions but I guess that is swallowing the RP.

I actively avoid reaching out to create that distance while at the same time it could create space for CC. She also has no time to herself because she is working 8-6 and has to watch the kid.

I talked to mom and her dad and they stated she seemed burned out. I brought this up in a way to be a oak and not callous so she would not look at my deployment and get disdain.

I told her to add more days the babysitter watches the kid so she can get more me time. She realized she needed it and also told her to hang out with friends and have that social. She responded positively with it as I'm not being a BP anymore about "who you hanging with, what you doing" etc.

I'll reach out to Alpha and get his opinion as deployments skew things a bit.

[–]ex_addict_bro0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

/u/TheFamilyAlpha also has experience as a deployed military guy.


Dildo Baggins deleted his account again, so the only valuable contributions to this subreddit he had are lost, again.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What the ever living Hell?

[–]red-sfpplus0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Just for clarification. The PI followed her for 30 days, and out of those TWO of them she had 1:1 interactions with him?

If so, what was it like the other 28?

[–]Rian_Stone0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Probably like a guy here.

just got out of the house when he was bitchy and parked in a parking lot to read in peace

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

She told me she does this. Our daughter can be a hassle sometimes. My wife would call me just sitting in the car to talk.

[–]Rian_Stone1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So she would rather hide than be with you.

Now do you believe guys here when they call you a faggot?

[–]red-sfpplus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

In OPs defense I believe he is deployed.

His wife is def testing the waters, killing boredom or both while OP is over seas.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

They did 4 events. She has class Monday and Wednesday. She buys groceries every other week. So the two days they just hung out. Idk about the other days and not going to worry about them.

[–]red-sfpplus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Who the fuck can only buy groceries every two weeks?

My wife is at the store every 2-3 days to get fresh meat and stuff.

I mean every 2-3 weeks at Costco yeah.

Anyway. Your deployed man. Thanks for your service and just smash her when you get home. Destroy the gym and our enemies in the process.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Riddle me this Batman.

Why did you need a PI to find out your wife is spending a lot of 1on1 time with another man? Even IF there is nothing going on between them. Why didn't you know?

Seems like something you might mention to a spouse. Hey I'm going to be spending some a bunch of private time with someone of the opposite sex because we happen to share an interest.

If this is totally innocent. Why don't you know? Why didn't you get a chance to meet this guy before any of this started happening?

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Solid question.

I am currently deployed and I noticed a change in our interaction and had a gut feeling about it. I thought it was this orbiter that comes out of the woodwork each time I deploy, and would drop comments on her FB that would push boundaries.

I noticed he wrote something on her FB and I called her up about it because it was inappropriate. She didn't realize he had blocked me on facebook but everybody else could see. She admitted to that being outside boundaries.

Previous deployments I was BP and insecure as fuck because again she didn't see my perspective on her orbiter friends.

She has more guy friends then girlfriends which I am fine with because only a few of them push the boundaries and I point this out to my wife.

The way I used to do it came off as jealousy but it was more envy because I wasn't jealous of a guy that lives with his parents. Looking back it was very controlling from half way around the world with almost interrogations on what are you doing this weekend, where you going, calling her when she didn't check in with me after a ride and etc...

See above why she didn't mention to me. She thinks I'm still pre RP. She also only has effectively 6 hours of her own time since we have a daughter, and works full time. She goes to class and runs errands during those 6 and has to have a social life in it. It's also given because I know she isn't going to have a girls night because I don't she has enough female friends to have a girls night. She would rather ride motorcycles and tinker on cars.

I mobilized in October and she and my daughter moved to the new city as she was starting her job. I had 5 days of vacation during the holidays and we focused on that.

She has the trouble of seeing things outside her perspective. She see's innocence in it and blissful ignorance to the typical social norms. I once spun it for her that if I was hanging with female friends you would want to know the 5Ws. She saw it then (DEER'd for educational purposes)

I talked to a bunch of guys within my unit out here how they handled their wives when deployed. One pretty much paused their relationship, another one had done what I did and made himself jealous and played investigator etc and it ended up making her a hermit and she was very different when he got back, he now sees that she needs a life and needs a break too (they have 4 kids).

I came to the conclusion that I was falling back into the BP ways of things and being aware of it made me sick sometimes. I understand the loyalty and hey honey what are you doing but I have held back on that so it doesn't seem like its interrogation which would drive disdain and pull me into her frame.

We had a talk about more time to herself because FIL and mother noticed she seemed burned out by the kid after the PI reported this. I AA'd her on having more time and get the babysitter more. Go out with your friends and ride and go out on the weekends. I threw a joke in on letting some of her friends by her meals.

Old Me would not have made that recommendation, and honestly, she can do whatever she wants because now I know that I have no control over that when I am halfway around the world and a recovering BP bitch. I am not going to interrogate because it shows insecurity but at the same time when I get back things will change.

Is this a cuck move? Idk...it could be, or it could be accepting that my wife has a life outside of mine and drawing myself outside of it is creating that distance. She could be wondering "If he is telling me to do this...what is he doing?" as I used to wrap myself within her frame. It is difficult and I could see how the MRP would question this but with long-term deployments and not being there the SOP changes. The pill is bitter...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I don’t have solid advice for you given your distance from the problem, and given your only nascent RP. There are some good face to face options. But over long distance options are far fewer if you don’t have some dread level built up.

[–]broneilbro[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes and I understand this is the biggest thing. We only communicate through text or FaceTime and limits the dread.

She isn't taking this deployment easy because of the kid. On Friday she was complaining about the challenges and the feeling of being shit on. I oaked her letting her know these are our challenges and not just yours. I asked if she want to talk about anything else "Nothing" was her response which means something. Old me would have tried to pry it out of her but I just told her "I am here when you want to talk, talk to you later" and ended the convo.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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