Update on the "grab the lube" outburst.

July 13, 2017

This is an update to my first post in the subreddit which you can read here. For the most part I have implemented shut the fuck up and that has helped but I did decide to go monk mode as some suggested. I’ll have to say that has been very successful.

Quickly, what has happened since then is for about a week to ten days following my outburst she pouted. I got a lot of “How could you ruin our marriage bringing something up from the past?”, “You lied to me all these years”, etc. I just weathered each emotional outburst with a stare and a nod of the head and “I understand” every once and awhile. I was also friendly and happy during all of this. The ten day pout session guaranteed me a surefire celibacy period. I was worrying about how to implement a monk mode without going into a lot of explanation but by shutting up and being patient it took care of itself. As she wound down the end of the pouting, it happened to end just as I had a three day work related seminar out of town. She was scheduled to go but she had worked up a head of steam and in a fit cancelled her flight to join me on the second day. We were scheduled to stay an additional two nights. She did not like it but I would not book her another flight (bitch move or lesson on making decisions while angry?). She could have bought her a new ticket but she would have had to pay for it out of her discretionary money...she did not have enough. I went without her and stayed the additional two nights. Spent a lot of time reading and walking and thinking. It really helped me to re-evaluate things. When I came back she was appalled that I was willing to go without her so cue another pout session. So that has carried me through to this past weekend. This past weekend she began to worry why I had not initiated. I guess the monk mode turned into low level dread. Who knows. I have determined that she is completely off her rocker. Three days now she has initiated and the first two times I responded and basically fucked like we were teenagers. The third time she offered we got into it and the starfish made a return and I immediately stopped. Kissed her goodnight and grabbed a book and read. All of you are very familiar with the reaction that followed I am sure. The next morning she apologized and I hugged her. Never said a word. The last two days she’s been playful and texting little messages to me. So there is where I am.

ME: I have determined the comment about her affair was a huge covert contract. That in my head I was trying to prove myself better than him. Fuck it. He only got what she gave him. I think I wanted to believe he had some special power over her but in reality she’s responsible for the decision to cheat not him. Regardless, of any issues between us. I think that was my “come to Jesus” moment. I can get up and walk out the door and never look back. Maybe she senses that now I don’t know. I truly do not care. I am losing the weight and replacing fat with muscle everyday. I am becoming a better man inside and out every day.

I continue to read. I continue to lift. I continue to own my shit. I continue to lead. But more importantly, I review my day with a very honest and critical eye and pinpoint where I need to get better at all of these things. I prefer to spend my remaining days on this earth with my wife. I have no idea if it will be that way.

Aside: I appreciate the advice from you guys. Especially, the private messages. Even the ones from the little fat lesbian troll. Those helped me hone my internet “cred”. I was really surprised at how good I got at trading insults with it. Very creative stuff if I say so myself. And I started on the Gotu Kola. Too early to see results but I’ll keep you updated.

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Post Information
Title Update on the "grab the lube" outburst.
Author dirtyelmopuppet
Upvotes 13
Comments 11
Date July 13, 2017 8:18 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/update-on-the-grab-the-lube-outburst.205878
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6n48k0/update_on_the_grab_the_lube_outburst/
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[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

My take on her cancelling her flight and then being mad about not going on the trip: play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

The lesson you taught her is not to stop throwing tantrums and making decisions when she's angry; she'll prolly never stop doing that. The lesson you taught is: "I don't need your company to have a good time."

If you're feeling brave, and can truly do it with a DGAF mentality, the next time she initiates you should reply: "I don't want to but if you grab the lube I will let you."

She'll either laugh or flip out, but either way, it'll be hilarious!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

“How could you ruin our marriage bringing something up from the past?”

After SHE cheated on YOU. I actually chuckled out loud at this. The hamster reigns supreme.

Although, to be fair, at some point you will have to put that lingering resentment to bed. You absolutely cannot go through the remainder of your life feeling gutted (your words from last post) and seeing red (or whatever it is that you see) whenever the thought comes up, or she does something that reminds you of the affair, or you see a cheater in a made-for-TV movie, or whatever makes you think you have to compare yourself to some dude a quarter century ago. Let it go. The word is forgiveness... not meaning that you admit it was OK for her to do it, but deciding to let it just fucking go for your own sake so that your own hamster can stop doing the crazy dance all the time you think of it, and you can get some peace and quiet in your own head. All the suffering you've gone through in the last 23 years as the result of you running scenarios and "how could she" and stuff is your own doing, the result of holding onto it for so long. Good for you on identifying the CC, but it should also act as a slap in the face to see how much power you're subconsciously still letting this have over your own actions to this day. If you're going to make the decision to put it to bed and move forward, then actually do it. End rant.

The next morning she apologized and I hugged her. Never said a word.

Yes. This is exactly right.

Nice FR.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good stuff right here.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You rode out the storm and.......nothing bad happened to you. You are still alive and well. Amazing how not reacting to their feelz feels.

Now you can use 'Grab the lube' as part of your amused mastery and start making it a private joke between you and her.

Keep it light, emotional outbursts or pouting no longer affect your frame.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good job not engaging in more conversation about the affair or DEERing to get her feelz fixed. Best thing you could have done is not rebook her flight and stay the extra days yourself. BONUS - you used that time for some much needed introspection and you created dread. See how easy dread is when you put yourself first? Effortless.

[–]nightmancommeth2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Youre the prize man. Never forget that. I wrote that down on a sticky in my wallet and I forget about it and every now and then see it as a reminder. You only get one life so make sure you live yours and not worry about everything or everyone else.

This was well handled. Always when in doubt STFU and a little dread goes a long way.

One last thing is if she goes star fish I go Caveman, like literally guteral. Tell her to flip over on her stomach and go to town. I am sure as fuck still going to enjoy it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Going to add some things to what u/fistfullofbitches said.

Your wife's past sexual affair is what's really eating at you. That affair is probably why you gained all that weight over the years.

You have all kinds of emotions at your wife for having the affair. Pissed off, sad, mad, frustrated, betrayed. And you haven't forgiven her and let it go. Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you. Whatever happens in this marriage, you have to forgive. Because that lack of forgiveness is harming YOU.

Second, and this is a really big thing I want you to get:

You are angry at yourself. You're angry at yourself for all kinds of things. For not seeing what was happening. For not seeing her lack of attraction. For taking your unfaithful bitch of a wife back. For not having the stones to end it right then and there. For not having the stones to tell your wife "no" when she wanted to reconcile. For being afraid not to take her back because of your kids or because then you faced an extended period with no sex or because you'd then have to explain the marriage's failure to others or whatever else. For taking her incessant shitty treatment after you took her back. For drowning your negative emotions in shitty food. For not standing up for yourself. For not giving a shit about yourself. For not taking care of yourself. For standing there, writing this on the internet, asking "how did it ever get this fucked up?"

Well, it got fucked up because of you. It's your fault. Sure, it's Mrs. Puppet's fault too, but she's not here and I can't rake her over the coals. So I'm going to talk to you about what is your fault. And what's your fault is that you're pissed off at yourself and you internalized it instead of dealing with it head on.

You are angry at yourself because, deep down, you know you fucked this up. You know you had a chance 23 years ago to get out and you didn't take it, and now you regret it, and now it's even more fucked up.

So here's what you're going to do. You're going to stop being angry at yourself and you're going to channel all that into continuing to take action.

You're also going to decide whether to remain married to your wife, or get a divorce. Because you can't continue the way you're going now. You can't live in this "I am so pissed off at her for what she did to me!" mode for the rest of your life. Decide if you want to stay married to her, and then do that. (You should have gone all the way through with the divorce 23 years ago, and you know you should have. Stop kicking yourself for it. Well, maybe it's better late than never.) Or decide if you want to get divorced, and then do that. But I can tell you that if you stay there, divorce is where you're headed - SHE will divorce YOU.

Best to you, man.

[–]anythingincRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

A-, no current weight.

[–]Tiway220 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Serious question.

Why are you still with her?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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