I am struggling with the thought process/ circumstance below and would like some insight. The "usual" insights arent getting it done internally for me, so maybe there is some specific theory I need to read before I go further in my reading.
Situation is thus : I was ready to nuke the marriage and this got her into survival mode, I think. She is significantly better with her behavior but continues to have outbursts of hamsterisms when it comes to money and deserving things, and acting out towards me . MUCH better.
- Case in point the other night : she got mad at the dog ( puppy) who was howling and just being an ass. We are in the process of training him. There was a failure to lead on our part, we got a trainer in to help with teaching us how to correct and how to think about it. She breaks down and yells at him like a banshee. then turns and yells at me when I remind her that yelling at dog isn't productive. My reaction was to say " you are now yelling at ME, and that doesn't fly" she yells "yes I am yelling at you " and walks out of the room. About 10 minutes later when I finished what I was doing I come out of the bedroom to find her crying on the couch, I approach and tell her again calmly that its not ok to yell at me she says " I know, I didn't want to , I lost control, that's why I walked away, Im sorry please don't be mad at me" etc etc
I am ok with this for now because I do see improvement and as I failed to vet a person from a home where the woman yelling was the norm, I am now correcting the consequences.
In another note, she basically , through my actions figured out that sex is an issue, and that if I dont feel desired, I have no reason to stay, and that the only way to show me desire is to fuck.
Sex is great when it happens. I initiate often and currently get " I want you but I don't feel good" statements often . Other times, great sex. nothing to do with cycle, she doesnt have one.
The issue I am having internally is, as a person who has medical issues , I know what its like to feel like crap and not want to do anything. I also acknowledge that a lot of her shit is perfectly valid but its almost bad luck with timing on her part : falls off ladder, GI issues, fibro etc etc.
So while I give her a good amount of the cuddles because frankly I like them, I often lay there and think, "well if she can stroke my chest she can stroke my cock"
The white knight is strong in this one, and while I don't feel particularly guilty or whatever about wanting sex more, nor is there a covert contract when I give her beta type affection, I do truly want to make her feel better when her stomach hurts or when she is in pain in general,but I am tired of this war:
- she needs cuddles to feel sexy, and her depression etc make her feel not sexy
- i need sex to feel loved and give her more cuddles etc.
and yes smv is improving etc. Improved enough? may never be due to a relatively unique medical issue ( yes I am a fucking dragon as far as medical conditions)
Any thoughts besides lift and read? ( read which book or text next?)