~ archived since 2018 ~

When I Say No I Feel Guilty - Summary

June 6, 2018

Reposting from main sub on to askMRP per the mods. I have a serious problem with defensiveness when my wife starts criticizing me. WISNIFG was written for me and I just re-read it and outlined the material to help internalize it. Fogging, Negative Assertion, and Negative Inquiry are the exact tools I need and I'm finally using them how I should. I'm sharing the TL;DR summary.

Edit: full 12 page outline with too many nested bullets for a reddit post is here.

Summary of Assertive Rights – You have the right to:

1 – Be the ultimate judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself

2 – offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior

3 – judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems

4 – change your mind

5 – make mistakes – and be responsible for them

6 – say “I don’t know”

7 – be independent of the goodwill if others before coping with them

8 – be illogical in making decisions

9 – say “I don’t understand”

10 – say “I don’t care”

Summary of Assertive Skills

Broken Record (verbal persistence) – keep saying what you want over and over again in a calm repetitive voice, without getting angry, irritated, or loud

  • “I want x” repeated as many times as needed

Workable Compromise – Whenever your self-respect is not in question, offer a workable compromised to the other person. Do not compromise a matter of self-worth

Self-Disclosure – Assertively disclosing information about yourself – how you think and feel. Make sure body language is congruent, eye contact.

  • Can also be a neutral inquiry, just trying to understand

Fogging – Agree with the truths in non-assertive criticism. Agree with actual truths about you and your behavior and admit mistakes or errors. For arbitrary right/wrong judgments tacked on to criticism, agree with the odds or principle (there’s always a grain of truth). Don’t respond to anything implied.

  • Agree with actual truth: That’s true, that’s right… I could, should x
  • Agree with the odds/principal – for something that’s possible: you could be right, maybe you’re right, that’s probably true, I guess you’re right, you may be right, I understand why you think that, I see why you think that

Negative Assertion – Assertively accept and own (via self-disclosure) your errors and negative points. Share true feelings we assume we should hide: dislikes, worry, ignorance, desires, and fears

  • I did do x, what a very stupid/dumb/inefficient/wasteful/unproductive thing to do, I didn’t handle that well, I messed that up, I goofed, that was a dumb thing I did

Negative Inquiry – prompting criticism – inquire into structure of right/wrong structure in criticism, and ask for more information wrong/bad about your behavior. The critical issue can then be out in the open to find workable compromise

  • I don’t understand, what is it about x that is bad/wrong/you don’t like?
  • What am I doing specifically that’s x?
  • What else is wrong or what don’t you like about me doing x?

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Post Information
Title When I Say No I Feel Guilty - Summary
Author becoming_alpha
Upvotes 25
Comments 8
Date June 6, 2018 12:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/when-i-say-no-i-feel-guilty-summary.204395
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8ovx2b/when_i_say_no_i_feel_guilty_summary/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]johneyapocalypse10 points11 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I want my meat.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That’s the only thing I remember from that book.

[–]becoming_alpha[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sure you feel that way, but I still want my meat.

[–]Siul802 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This book helped me a lot dealing with my borderline disorder wife. It saved my integrity too!

[–]GermanScrewdriver1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just finished reading it the first time and planned to take notes :) thanks for filling in!

[–]Terminal-Psychosis0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Excellent book for anyone learning about assertiveness.

Simple, real-world examples of how to ground out abusive manipulation.

Can also be used to manipulate, so take it slow with the new toolbox.

These skills for setting healthy boundaries (external and internal), are key on the path to adulthood.

Nice Summary Mr. Alpha. We hear a lot about these methods on TRP, and it is an invaluable resource.

The "Bill of Assertive Rights" is an eye opener when starting out. Was for me anyway.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty <- Amazon link

I feel this book really should be in the side bar.

It has the basics for that critical self-worth, and psychological self defense that is the core of TRP.

[–]becoming_alpha[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This book is #2 on the MRP sidebar right behind No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's fundamental.

[–]NothingWillHappen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Remember kids, always take advice from someone that labels their self with Terminal - Psychosis.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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