30yo 270/6’2"/body fat 25%/Bench 250/Squat350/DL315
To give some back story, we met when I was 19 and it was just supposed to be a hookup. She was 34 and the age difference was kinky. We really had a crazy connection; and it was honestly the happiest few years of my life I couldn't get enough of her. Sex 3-5 times a day. Sometimes for hours at a time.
We got married a few years later and it seems that's when things took a turn. We never had stress to contend with in the early years so I never saw the side of her that comes out when she's unhappy with somebody.
The first pregnancy was really rough, she became nasty and verbally abusive towards me. I went into a pretty deep depression and withdrew from her, which resulted in more excessive verbal abuse and then explosive anger on my part. Our relationship became really toxic. I felt really alone and posted some ads on craigslist for hookups and exchanged some emails with women. I know that I didn't really have it in me to fuck anybody it just felt good to have the attention and interest from a woman again. She found out and has never really forgiven me for it.
Fast forward to now we have two kids, I work two jobs and we barely make ends meet. She hasn't worked since the first baby but will re-enter the work force soon, she is about to finish a university program which I've supported her through financially and watching the kids solo whenever I'm not working. We've done a lot of counseling and for the most part really improved our communication.
The recurring theme here is sometimes I feel seriously disrespected by her... And what's worse it feels like she hates me. It makes me so furious and hurt I don't know what to do with myself. In the past I would bottle it up until it eventually erupted into some kind of act of anger, breaking something or screaming at her, which she'd hold over me just like the craigslist adds and emails from years ago. I've never hit her but god knows I've wanted to in those moments.
Last year I moved out for a few months at her behest because our fights were affecting the kids, she said. I moved back in 6 months ago. We've been making progress and slowly things are getting better and more regularly positive. A few days ago in the morning she takes up an issue with me and I don't really agree with her on it. This is where we have a problem, when she wants something and it isn't going her way, she gets increasingly charged. This conversation culminated in her saying I was "a fucking embarrassment" and leaving the house. It wasn't just the words it was the way she said, full of vitriol and hatred.
I've just totally pushed her away after this. I won't talk to her beyond the basic arrangement for logistics. She's hurt and wants to reconnect but I feel like I can't be vulnerable to her. I feel like I've sacrificed the prime of my life for her, and get no thanks. Now I'm left holding the bag to support her and the kids without much prospects for myself. I can do the math and life would be pretty tough if we got divorced but I can make it work. What really kills me is the kids growing up in the environment of separate homes and money being tight. I feel like it's going to impact their opportunities. I don't need much from my wife, just respect and affection and a willingness to work together.
I'm just not getting it from her. I've been through so much I'm really at a breaking point in terms of being able to put up with it. I'm sure she'd say the same thing. I always feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel though, like things are getting better and I just need to hang in there. But we never seem to emerge. I'm terrified another decade goes by and it's like this and I find myself miserable and even more stuck.
Do I give her another chance and let my guard down, try to reconnect and move forward?
[–]redarmychoirboy 42 points43 points44 points (5 children) | Copy Link
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[+]vplatt3 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
Have you started the MRP sidebar reading; especially No More Mr. Nice Guy? You're trying to be "nice" and you expect she'll be nice to you. Well, she won't. It doesn't work that way.
You're two kids into this relationship at this point and funding her education, so that means you'll owe child support, alimony, etc. You're about as committed as it gets at this point and any damage prevention you could have exercised was bypassed years ago. Everything about your current situation is a "sunk cost" and the only outcomes you probably should consider now is how you want things to play out for these kids and your respect for yourself.
A real IDGAF attitude at this point is only going to NOT consider most emphatically her feelings about anything. The only way forward is to grind it out for your sense of worth and for the sake of your kids. What kind of father are you going to be? What kind of man are you going to be in your own estimation? Don't expect she'll understand any of that and don't expect her to guide you.
The bottom line is that she may have a new guy all lined up and ready to go after school. Or maybe she won't. She will likely pursue her chosen line of work though. And with that independence will come even more shit tests for you. You WILL see an escalation of those. You will not enjoy any peace from her as a result of your supporting her through school. Or maybe you will... the point is that you shouldn't expect squat for it. After all, are you the kind of giver that only gives with strings attached? Or are you a strong man who supports his wife in these things because that's just how you fucking roll and that's kind of man you are because you rock?
See the attitude shift? Don't expect the emotional payoff from her. You have to consider how you did these things for YOU. You did them because you needed to because .. you're awesome. And if she can't see that? Well, fuck her. Because if she moves on, so will you. And life will go on; the only question is whether there will be divorce attorneys involved, and that would be on her if she pulls the trigger. Her life won't be as awesome at that point if she does that, but she's not going to see that if you're just hurting off in the corner somewhere expecting her to love you because you did what you were always going to do anyway because you are awesome.
But hey.. what do I know. I'm just some stupid shit married for 27 years with 3 grown kids whose own wife is going to finish a graduate program ostensibly so she can go back to work again full time too. Why? Because I fucking rock. And IDGAF if she does go back to work again either.
This message will self destruct in about 3 days.
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