30yo 270/6’2"/body fat 25%/Bench 250/Squat350/DL315

To give some back story, we met when I was 19 and it was just supposed to be a hookup. She was 34 and the age difference was kinky. We really had a crazy connection; and it was honestly the happiest few years of my life I couldn't get enough of her. Sex 3-5 times a day. Sometimes for hours at a time.

We got married a few years later and it seems that's when things took a turn. We never had stress to contend with in the early years so I never saw the side of her that comes out when she's unhappy with somebody.

The first pregnancy was really rough, she became nasty and verbally abusive towards me. I went into a pretty deep depression and withdrew from her, which resulted in more excessive verbal abuse and then explosive anger on my part. Our relationship became really toxic. I felt really alone and posted some ads on craigslist for hookups and exchanged some emails with women. I know that I didn't really have it in me to fuck anybody it just felt good to have the attention and interest from a woman again. She found out and has never really forgiven me for it.

Fast forward to now we have two kids, I work two jobs and we barely make ends meet. She hasn't worked since the first baby but will re-enter the work force soon, she is about to finish a university program which I've supported her through financially and watching the kids solo whenever I'm not working. We've done a lot of counseling and for the most part really improved our communication.

The recurring theme here is sometimes I feel seriously disrespected by her... And what's worse it feels like she hates me. It makes me so furious and hurt I don't know what to do with myself. In the past I would bottle it up until it eventually erupted into some kind of act of anger, breaking something or screaming at her, which she'd hold over me just like the craigslist adds and emails from years ago. I've never hit her but god knows I've wanted to in those moments.

Last year I moved out for a few months at her behest because our fights were affecting the kids, she said. I moved back in 6 months ago. We've been making progress and slowly things are getting better and more regularly positive. A few days ago in the morning she takes up an issue with me and I don't really agree with her on it. This is where we have a problem, when she wants something and it isn't going her way, she gets increasingly charged. This conversation culminated in her saying I was "a fucking embarrassment" and leaving the house. It wasn't just the words it was the way she said, full of vitriol and hatred.

I've just totally pushed her away after this. I won't talk to her beyond the basic arrangement for logistics. She's hurt and wants to reconnect but I feel like I can't be vulnerable to her. I feel like I've sacrificed the prime of my life for her, and get no thanks. Now I'm left holding the bag to support her and the kids without much prospects for myself. I can do the math and life would be pretty tough if we got divorced but I can make it work. What really kills me is the kids growing up in the environment of separate homes and money being tight. I feel like it's going to impact their opportunities. I don't need much from my wife, just respect and affection and a willingness to work together.

I'm just not getting it from her. I've been through so much I'm really at a breaking point in terms of being able to put up with it. I'm sure she'd say the same thing. I always feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel though, like things are getting better and I just need to hang in there. But we never seem to emerge. I'm terrified another decade goes by and it's like this and I find myself miserable and even more stuck.

Do I give her another chance and let my guard down, try to reconnect and move forward?