working through a separation?

August 14, 2016
6 upvotes

I'll start with some back story.. Been together with my wife for 11 years, 8 of which we have been married. Met in our mid twenties (she was 24 and I was 26) and now have two kids, youngest is almost 3. Our history runs deep meaning circle of friends were similar before we met, our families do know eachother, that type of stuff. Things were really good for most of the time, however the last couple years have been slowly leading to distaster, which is where I believe we are at today.

Basically after being pretty alpha most of my life and into marriage, after the second kid and everything going on in life I have become more beta and lost some of my ways. Coming across this subreddit a few months back and digesting what it is all about vibes with my thinking, however did not start implementing right away.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and the wife breaks down and says she is completely miserable, doesn't want to be around me and thinks we should take a break. I can't say I am surprised since our intimacy levels have steered right into r/deadbedrooms, our communication has dropped off the map and I am continually butthurt with her mood instead of, you know, taking charge and initiating anything not waiting for her to start something up. Basically resentment has built up and everyone is all hurt. Now, my wife is a good person. She is educated, physically fit, not mean or vindictive or any of that other cunty shit. I just feel like it's been me that slipped up and let things get to where they are and I can't blame her.

We talked about what a break would look like and we figured it would be best if we found a place near our home and just alternated a couple days each with the kids and on our own to work on whatever it is we need to work on. She wants to see a counselor (on her own) and I should do the same, grow as people with time to ourselves and then see where we are at in an undeterminate amount of time.

The goal, I guess, it to see if we can make the changes (and by we, I mean I) so we can get to a place where we were before things went south. We both do not want a divorce, so this separation is like some sort of trial run to see if what is broken can be fixed. Are we going to see other people on this break? I have no clue, maybe, maybe not.. I can't imagine her with someone else (more because it would be hard to handle, this is the woman I thought I would ride or die with) but I could see it happening. With the set up we are putting in place the other person is basically handicapped since we are not like having sex during this time or doing whatever for our relationship so I can easily see how others could be attractive.

So after reading the guide for beginners and starting over the past couple weeks on the beginner material, I don't even know where my situation fits. Its like scenario 3 but it HAS jumped off! A lot of what I read makes sense and used to put all this in play anyways with her and with all the plates prior to her so I know there are things I can change.

The outcome I would like is to be together and a functioning family again. I look at my wife and I do love her, I want to have sex with her but not sure why over the past couple years I never did more to bang her every day or so cause I know she would and do the easy shit to keep our relationship happy and I can't really pinpoint it. I know I could go out and improve myself and start going after the 20 somethings and having all that fun but honestly my wife is awesome, I fucking blew it and now I need to fix somehow within the confines of this weird 'controlled separation' if it can be called that?

I have found since this all kicked off a couple weeks ago with this separation that I have maintained frame better in conversations that would set me off before and have tried to lead in simple situations (but obviously a couple weeks means shit, i think its more just the shock of it all that has made me take a step back here)

So whats a fucker like me supposed to focus on here and put in play? Should I be more distant, get my shit going, maybe start treating her like we are at ground zero and start dating again and get back to a good place once my shit is fixed? Don't really know so advice would be appreciated.. Let me know if anything is unclear here gents!

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Post Information
Title working through a separation?
Author notbourneenough
Upvotes 6
Comments 18
Date August 14, 2016 4:50 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askMRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/working-through-a-separation.207244
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4xmsn8/working_through_a_separation/
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Comments

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

/u/FireTempered called me in. True story time. The very first thing you need to do is slow the fuck down. Drop the act like you are doing this to save your marriage, because protip, you can't at first. I read your whole post and it's bullshit bluepill mentality that you will see it in it's true form about three months from now. Trial separation is a good idea as long as you realize she will be gang banged every night until you patch things up. Sounds like an insult but it's the right frame of mind to have. Go into a separation knowing that you can can both fuck anyone you want. Be discrete and maintain the status quo. When she wants a separation, it means she is branch swinging. Suck it up buttercup. That's the facts. Know that there is probably someone she is swinging to, because women don't leave good providers "just because". There is an orbiter that is about to get lucky. Keep your fucking mouth shut, fuck someone if you want, and don't bother asking her about it.

So now you know all the bad shit? Well, turns out thats the best and easiest part of the story.

Here is what you don't want to hear. There is no easy way. You have to decide that you are the problem and start working on you, regardless of what she wants. The attraction is in the not following her act. You have to hit this at the problem. You. Yeah, you. I know you want to hear some shit about "poor me, just do this and you will be ok". Fact is, that's not how life works.

What can I do?

Work on yourself. You very first thing to do is set aside at least three days a week where you go to the gym. Recommended SL5x5 until you plateau and then switch off to 5/3/1 or TTM. That's it. The real secret. While you are there I recommend you start reading NMMNG and learn how to be a man with boundaries. Then move onto MMSLP or WISNIFG. The largest part of saving your marriage, ironically, is to start improving yourself without care to her feelings.

In the end, she will leave or not. You cannot control her actions, but you can control yours. If it all falls apart, make sure you are in a place where life continues on better than before.

Edit: Feel like I should add, I was in your exact same situation but divorce papers were served to me on March 13th, 2015. Friday the 13th ironically enough.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Take a Google at Divorce 180. Lots of good info there for a man in your situation.

Separation is prelude to divorce. The one asking for it is looking to move on.

You need to take off your wife goggles and be very observant from here forward.

Nothing will change for the better, if you don't change for the better. Better for YOU, that is.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Read the post history of u/Bogeyd6. Certain it will help you.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm4 points5 points  (21 children) | Copy Link

If she wants a break, let her have it. She sounds smart, capable and it seems like she can coordinate all that a break would entail (apartment, utilities, etc) if she really wants it. Since this break isn't your idea, I'd stay in your home and start working on yourself. Not to mention, leaving your home doesn't look so hot in a divorce should it come to that. No need to explain these tactics to her though.

In the meantime, go to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row and learn all that you need to know should the plug get pulled. You can also keep this little visit to yourself.

As far as the rules of the break, I'd be pretty clear that you are still married and you have the expectation she abides by her marital promise until that changes. Should she feel the need to deviate from that promise, you expect her to be up front with that decision so you can proceed with a divorce immediately. Be very clear and calm when you explain this.

Maybe she is a good woman. But you're a wet noodle. And you're pathetic to her. It's time to learn how to be a rock. She can stay and be a family while you rebuild yourself into a man. Or she can leave and face the cruel world all on her own. Let her get the picture that a new you is on his way in...and the new you is staking clear boundaries here and now about what is about to go down.

You might even turn her on...just a little.

[–]notbourneenough[S] 0 points1 point  (20 children) | Copy Link

Thanks. No one is leaving the house as of yet. We were coordinating a second place near us where we would trade off a couple days a week but the kids would stay in the main house and not move around. I think we both need a break from the kids because we are not being the type of parents we should and were to them earlier on so having another place might be beneficial? I don't know.

I did mention to her about how I believe we should stick to the marriage agreement since we are still married and not really proceeding with a separation to divorce but more to work on things. However, like u/ParadoxThatDrivesUs mentioned, she could have already moved on but doesn't have the guts to say this and is hedging her bets. But I will have that conversation again but a little more decisive as you put it.

Ideally, I am not totally convinced that taking a break like this to work on things can work or is beneficial? She doesn't see us being able to change in the confines of where we are now since we (I) have tried in the past and obviously failed. Some people believe that if were to take the space, become better people, we would have a better relationship through it all but I feel like this is so much up to chance even if I became a better man.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We were coordinating a second place near us where we would trade off a couple days a week but the kids would stay in the main house and not move around.

If your wife wants to take a break, that's fine. You're not out to control her actions. But I would not be super-helpy-helperton with the actions that assist her in reaching her new life goal of ripping apart the family...oh, and gobble a few yards of new cock while she's gone...maybe?

Anywho, go see a lawyer. Then come back and state in a really calm and collected way that you've rethought the pending events and you have no issues with her wanting to take a break but you will be remaining in the house while she explores whatever she needs to explore. Keep in mind that if this split is so important to her, she'll have no issues finding an apartment and doing all the things she needs to do to make it happen.

Otherwise, this is one big super shitty-comfort test to see if you can hold frame in a manner that keeps your family intact and shows you're not going to buckle under her wishy-washy emotions of whether or not she can decide if "she still loves you but is not in love with you..." bullshit.

If you want to start making changes in your life, it's time to start leading the family in the direction you want it to go. And the family splitting apart does not sound like that's what you want....but then again...you're still so wish-washy I'm not even sure. Go to Walmart and buy a backbone...they just did a price Rollback™.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

she doesn't see us being able to change in the confines of....

We tell men to watch actions not listen to words. So what I see is a woman telling you "help me end the marriage while I find a soft place to land".

I'm hardline. Either you're in or you're out, there's no halfway in marriage. You have a class A branch swinger. Are you gonna move all her boxes when she moves out? Baby sit while she bangs Chad? To each his own I guess.

Believe it or not, by agreeing to these shenanigans you're reinforcing her idea "yeah this is a good thing".

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Are you gonna move all her boxes when she moves out? Baby sit while she bangs Chad?

That kind of stuff during a divorce can be a very good strategy to keep your kids and your shit.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

I agree with the sexy devil , this is either the mother of all shitty comfort test or she has already fell on Chads dick and wants to give Chad a real trial run while she keeps you on orbital standby. IMO your response is the same either way , stop cooperating in this asinine move , see a lawyer , and start the MRP program like your marriage depends on it .

Stop embarrassing yourself by telling us your women is not already cheating unless you have already serious investigated it. Especially with a woman that has her shit together , you will NEVER see it coming . Start real surveillance OP. My money is on she has already found some strange dick

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

Come on, Perseus. You know it is not just about sex with women. She could genuinely want a break without needing new cocks :). Sex is far more of a need to men. Women want companionship and compatibility more.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret6 points7 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Sushi, sushi, sushi ........ I see now why the mods gave you flair , your our hamster exhibit. First off we are not talking about a week with her BFF or a few weeks with mom to decompress from the burdens of life (lol) and a beta husband. We are taking about going through the trouble of setting up another house and more importantly explaining to kids that mommy and daddy are having a hard time. A soul crushing task for any caring parent.

I agree with you that relationships are not 95% about sex with women like it is for women. However, OP wife very likely has her dreamy alpha-bux unicorn in high orbit at this very moment. Women will only split the young family for abuse, serial cheating, or a better branch. Why is the wife not doing what almost all beta wives do , ignore his sorry bitch ass right to his face?

Lastly, and assuming wife does not already have strange on deck or in her, you forget the corollary to "it's not all about sex for women". Accidentally falling in strange dick is easier than falling out of bed for any woman that is not a whale. OP wife's hamster says you need some space. Next, given all this new free time her hamster tells her she us bored and she should get out just to see. Next , there is Chad being all nice and strong giving her the tingles. Oops she just fell on Chads dick.

A mans answer to separation is clear: the door swings one way. They can work out their issues like all couples and just ignore each other under the same roof .

I can check my solipsism at the door , can you?

[–]The_Litz4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Women will only split the young family for abuse, serial cheating, or a better branch. Why is the wife not doing what almost all beta wives do , ignore his sorry bitch ass right to his face?

That there. In OP's case it is:

  • She wants to let him down easy. She has wanted to get out since the start.

  • Someone else is already waiting. And contrary to popular believe, it is not Chad but a Beta orbiter. Chad would just tell her to dump OP's ass, and she would comply. Orbiter Ollie would suggest a seperation because it is a pussy move.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very much agree , that most likely scenario is a beta orbiter that she has been having an emotional affair with for awhile

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for pointing out my new flair :). I hadn't noticed, and want to thank the mods for thinking I'm important enough to merit this. I feel included :D.

I actually agree that separations are stupid. Either fix the problem(s) head on, or get a divorce. Separation only seems to work for the stronger party.

Yes, I do agree that she could "fall for strange dick" just like a man could go for strange pussy. I was objecting to the idea that she wouldn't want to separate for her own sake. It isn't always about getting dick. I know if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow (we've been together 2 years and live together), it wouldn't be because I was branch swinging. It would be because of irreparable relationship issues.

I hope I checked my solipsism here :D. I'm not discounting your view here at all. I just hate when it seems black/white.

As an aside, Chad has got to be the most annoying name ;).

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Come to think of it I have never met anybody named Chad IRL? WTF

After reading about your BF lifts on OYS the other day I figured you were with Chad;)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

He's much better than a Chad :). Whenever I think of Chad, I think of a stupid but good looking stoner/bar creature who only cares about pussy and has a perma-smirk. Sounds like someone I'd avoid!

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hah hah , Chad is a mythical creature so everyone sees him differently . I had the Daniel Craig version of 007 in mind

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Lol, 99% of RedPill will never be James Bond :D.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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