35 yrs old, Together for 7 married for 4, one 3 year old daughter. 6’3, 207lbs, BF: 12-14%, Squat: 305 x5, OHP: 155 x5, Rows: 245 x5, Bench: 245 x5, Deadlift: 335 x5.
(Through the rabbit hole of Steel’s detailed guide and links within, NMMNG x2, WISNIFG, MMSLP, TWOTSM x2, BP-professor’s YouTube series. Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins <—that’s a bad motherfucker! Give him a listen. I do mostly audiobooks in the gym.)
My goals are to establish and hold a motherfucker of a frame in life, eliminate my flooding, implement stoicism, covertly display outcome independence and find the best formula for Alpha + Beta = Oak. I’m shooting for the Family Alpha. I know it’s a long fucking shot, but I’m going for it.
I’m with a sexually submissive woman. I’ve never paid attention but it bleeds to our everyday dynamic. My decisiveness and leadership has been constantly summoned for years with “What do you want me to wear? What do you want me to cook? Where should we eat? etc.” I failed all those by letting her decide on her own by telling her that I don’t care. Now that I’m showing my presence and leadership in the relationship, things have been better. I’ve been passing the opportunities to lead the family but sometimes I hit some bumps and it’s my fault for allowing her to be the decision maker for 4 years.
For the most part things are going good!
The issue I have is some angles of frame I’m trying to hold is offensive to my wife at times. Certain aspects of my assertiveness, change of my ship’s course and enforcement of boundaries are sometimes met with accusations of being dismissive.
The current marital topic RIGHT NOW is about me picking up overtime to put money in my pocket outside our regular finances that pays most of the bills and puts most of the food on the table. Nothing crazy. Just ME, using MY OWN time, to work MY OWN job to put play money in MY pocket so I don’t tap into the funds for the household. She thinks I should also put that money in the joint account that she mainly manages.
I’m getting both shit and comfort tests under the guise of “just because it’s not your concern, it doesn’t mean you can dismiss mine.” “You’re disrespecting me.” “I’ve been arguing with myself for a day because you’ve been dismissing me.” “You need to apologize to me.” “The way you’ve been treating/talking to me is unacceptable.”
With the reactions I’m getting, you would think I’m having diarrhea of the mouth. I’m not. All I’ve given are a very few “No”, “I hear you”, “I’m not doing that”, and “I love you, I’m moving forward from this discussion.” I also don’t apologize anymore when she’s butt-hurt from me saying “no” or for rocking the boat when it needs rocking.
I want some guidance on how to navigate these reactions. Especially the complaints on being dismissive and being compelled to apologize under the guise of comfort test. When compelled to apologize, I simply smile and say “I’m not apologizing.” because I don’t think I should apologizing for calmly saying “I know you disagree, but I’m going to work extra to have extra cash in hand. It’s what I’m going to do.” Am I handling that correctly?
With the accusations of being dismissive... I STFU and look at her like I’m brain dead because I literally get stuck like a retard knowing I really am being dismissive. How do/did you handle this?