Being Supportive on Attitude Issues

Red-Curious · 2019-10-11T15:37:13+00:00

the feedback he gets from above may be right only half the time

If a boss provides critical feedback, the boss is always right, even when he's wrong. If he's saying, "You're not drafting those TPS reports the right way," and then you look up the company manual and it turns out you're filing them the right way, what the boss really means is: "I don't care what the manual says, you're not doing it the way I WANT you to do it." It's all a matter of personal preference for most evaluations like this (except when it comes down to the numbers).

I went through the same situation 2 years ago. My boss was coming down hard on me. He didn't even have a reason. He just said he was unhappy with my performance compared to the other attorney in the office. I pulled out numbers - that I was in the office more hours, I was billing more hours, I brought the office more money, my client rentention numbers were higher, client satisfaction levels were higher - objectively, I was the better employee. What did it turn out to be? "Well, [other employee] always keeps me informed of everything going on in his cases so I'm always up to date, and I just don't get that from you." I was too autonomous. Despite being objectively a better employee, he had his own personal preference over how things should be done. So, I adjusted my performance to suit his preference and didn't let it get to me because at the end of the day I'm still getting my check. His personal opinions of me don't matter as long as I keep getting that check - that's what his role is in my life. If I need to adjust a few behaviors to suit his preferences to keep getting that check, so be it.

As Paul says, "I don't care if I am judged by you or any other human court. I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that doesn't make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me." Have him memorize that verse. From there, it's no longer a matter of managing emotional judgments over him; it's just a matter of adapting behavior to reap the results he's going for.

My point is: most employee evaluation criteria is subjective opinion. At that, his opinion of himself means squat. If his boss's opinion is different from his, his boss is right, even if he thinks he's "right only half the time."

his attitude causes him to take negative feedback way too personally

This is extremely common. I used to struggle with this too. It's ultimately a frame issue. Is he read up on matters of frame? Amused mastery? DNGAF? If not, I wouldn't give him dynamite right off. But if he is, he needs to work on that. Why does he care so much about what others think of him?

In addition to the above reference, Galatians 1:10 seems to be highly on-point: "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Now, your question is less about what he needs and more about what you can do - so let's skip there.

As a matter of personal preference, I don't know that I'd ask him about his work day at all. A lot of guys like the idea of coming home and getting work out of their minds. My dad was that way. He was able to enjoy home and family more when nobody was asking him about his job. As soon as someone did ask, a million things started running through his mind that became a distraction and he couldn't get his head reoriented. When a man goes form his office to his home, there should be a psychological shift prompted by the change in location/scenery that you don't want to undermine by blurring those lines too much. If he wants to talk about it, let him talk; if not, find other ways to keep him happy.

The best thing you can do to be supportive is to be the best you that you can be at your role within the household. His day at work sucks? He comes home to find a clean house, children playing nicely in the back yard, dinner on the table, and something fun to do after the kiddos go down (sex, Netflix, board game, etc.).

If you bring work into his home life too much, it's very possible he may feel some form of release by venting to you, but it also means he never gets a true respite from what's going on. Your job is to be an oasis for him. Make things as wonderful at home as possible so it's not like he's going from a stressful job to a slum back to a stressful job. Coming home should be like a 4-hour vacation in these phases of life.

Now, you can't realistically keep the house at vacation-level condition and peace all the time - especially if you're working too (can't remember if you have a job or not). But even if for a few days while he's got his struggles going on, the ambiance and attitude can really make more of a difference than trying to help him find a direct solution to his problems.

Another aspect might be that he's afraid you'll judge him the same way his boss does. By simply asking the question, "How was work?" there is a chain of psychological implications that subconsciously run through a guys head --> "She wants to know what I did at work" --> "What I do at work matters to her" --> "Why does it matter to her? Probably because it affects her" --> "She wants to be affected in a good way, but I only have bad news right now" --> "She's going to judge me."

Now, he may still tell you simply because he needs to vent or he wants to be compulsively honest or for whatever other reason. But I know when I've had those moments in the past I most certainly was hung up on how my wife would think about me if she knew I wasn't a rock-star at the office every day. And, in fact, my wife did used to be directly UNsupportive when I wasn't performing up to par. So, in those days I'd built a pattern of hiding my poor performance from her. If I wanted to take a day off, rather than letting her know I needed a break, I scheduled them on days she'd be out of town so she didn't know I took time off. I'd leave extra early in the morning, but then sleep an hour or two in my car when I got to my parking lot. I'd exaggerate what I was billing or how much non-billable work I was doing, when in reality I just didn't have the work-flow at the time to bring in a decent paycheck. There were all kinds of stupid things that I did out of fear of my wife's judgment - and it was even worse when I knew I wasn't actually performing up to par.

By not pressing the work issues, you're implicitly letting him know you don't care how well or poor he performs at work - that's his business to figure out and decide what to disclose and not. You're communicating, instead: "You're my husband. I know you're stressed, but I appreciate you and I want to recharge you so you can do a better job when you go back."

Part of this is also understanding the framework of why you're asking the question in the first place. Are you asking about his workday for his benefit or yours? I'd wager that for most women, it's for their own benefit to open that conversation, not his. "I want to know you. I want to be a part of your life, even when we're apart. It's important to me to feel connected to every aspect of you, including your work life."

Most guys don't get the same relational connection from dumping their work stress on their wife. We compartmentalize our thoughts and emotions, so it's easy to set aside work stresses once we get home ... unless a wife "forces" us to drudge them up by asking about it repeatedly. Sharing that burden with her doesn't feel, to most guys, like he's becoming more connected to his wife. Rather, it's usually the wife who feels emotional fuzzies when her husband is open and honest about his struggles - but he's not getting those same fuzzies. This can become selfish if a wife is opening a box her husband had tucked away, which now reminds him of his frustrations just so she can feel closer to him.

Even if it does cause him to feel closer to her too (as I'm sure there's some degree of that happening also), there are MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better and more effective ways to get him to feel close to you. So, just play a quick side-by-side comparison game in your head in those moments: Which one will make him feel more loved by me?

Sharing his work struggles or having hot lingerie sex?
Sharing his work struggles or getting a shoulder massage?
Sharing his work struggles or being cooked his favorite meal?
Sharing his work struggles or coming home to a stress-free, clean house?
Sharing his work struggles or cuddling to a movie and popcorn?
Sharing his work struggles or playing with the kids over a fun activity I set up for us?

You can see that even though "sharing his work struggles" might develop some level of emotional connectivity for him and could possibly help him ... the latter choice is going to be more effective EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

So, if your goal is for YOU to feel more connected to him when you feel like work is pulling him away, then by all means, ask your questions about his day. But if your goal is for HIM to feel more loved by you, do things that are more likely to make him feel loved by you. If he wants your advice, let him be the one to ask for it. If he wants to vent, let him decide when and how to do it. Let him lead and initiate on what he wants, and you just keep refueling his positive energy tank in the meantime.

redwall92 · 2019-10-10T17:58:39+00:00

Kudos to you for thinking about how to be supportive of your husband.

Best thing I can say would be do not manage his emotions. He's got emotions. Maybe he's just realizing that ... not sure. But he's got to figure out how to manage his emotions himself. No need for you to pretend that he's right about every issue under the sun.

Not sure if NMMNG is highly recommended ready for women ... but hey ... his emotions aren't yours to manage. Just like yours aren't for him to manage.

If "how was work?" turns into a spewfest 5/7 times at dinner, then I'd stop asking that question. Problem is ... if you're leading (or feel like you're leading) all the dinner conversations, then I'm not sure that's where you want to end up either.

Deep_Strength · 2019-10-10T19:49:04+00:00

Ask him how you can be more supportive.

Examples: Does he want an ear to complain a bit or does he just want to enjoy spending time with his wife and process it later or does he want some advice about how to handle certain relationships or whatever else.

Willow-girl · 2019-10-11T11:50:18+00:00

If work is a sore subject for him, don't bring it up. Let him broach the topic if he wants to talk about it. Some people prefer to lick their wounds in private, lol.

Meanwhile, it goes without saying that you need to have the money stuff on lockdown in case he ends up having to look for a new job.

Title	Being Supportive on Attitude Issues
Author	g_e_m_anscombe
Upvotes	4
Comments	13
Date	October 10, 2019 5:30 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askRPC
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/dg1ep5/being_supportive_on_attitude_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/being-supportive-on-attitude-issues.304620 https://theredarchive.com/post/304620