Confession & Repentance?

CarelessBowler5
November 3, 2019
5 upvotes
/r/askRPC

Fellas. Today. I relapsed.

Early, early this morning, I masturbated while fantasizing about another woman.

This afternoon, I masturbated to porn - for the first time since May.

Confessing and repenting before God is the obvious step. I, too, have read Psalm 54. Plus this excellent sermon by Tim Keller.

What I'd like feedback on is what does any confession/repentance before my wife look like? I know what it looked like in my BP days. I spilled my guts and she just kinda looked at me blankly, not feeling bad, sorry, sympathetic, or anything (never any rage or anger like other wives). Usually a somewhat indifferent, "Uh... I forgive you."

Then I have several men in my life through my church to confess to and ask for prayer. Guys who have the habit of holding me accountable to shape up instead of commiserating with how they also fail in sexual sin. Are there any BP cycles I might not be aware of there, too?

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Post Information
Title Confession & Repentance?
Author CarelessBowler5
Upvotes 5
Comments 7
Date November 3, 2019 8:32 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askRPC
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/confession-repentance.304603
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/dr69cf/confession_repentance/
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Comments

[–]Deep_Strength5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There was a post on this a month ago. Here's my response:

There's no one size fits all answer here. Largely, it depends on the spiritual maturity of one or both spouses (whether the husband or the wife has the porn habit or not).

I'd say it's better to have an accountability partner if the wife is immature and has a tendency to hold things over your head. However, it can work fine if she's a model Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 wife. Same with vice versa with a wife who has a porn/romance novel habit.

It's usually the former than the latter though, which is why a same sex accountability partner is often better (for both sexes). Trust can be built enough for the latter eventually, but both spouses need to be putting God and His Word first and understand that sometimes failings happen.

Based on the information you said, I'd go with the men over your wife. I don't tell my wife every little failing and neither does she to me. I repent and move on. But we will own up to them if each other asked.

Sounds like you're doing a fairly good job if you hadn't looked at porn in more than 6 months, so keep up the good work. One failing will not sink the good habits that you have build up. The thing that will is to continue to run from God and assume that since you've failed you might as well do it again and again.

[–]DuffBude4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry to hear about the relapse man. I don't talk to my wife about that stuff at all. I used to, but it tore her up and she just couldn't handle it. Eventually I stopped talking to her about it, and she stopped asking me about it.

It is rough, because your relapses do affect your relationship with her negatively. And at some point, she will notice it, and want to know what's going on. But you just can't tell her.

My wife wants me to be her strong leader. She doesn't want to see me as a victim to myself. It sounds harsh, but I've come to accept it as a fact of life.

If you ask me, I think the fact that you have been dissatisfied with your wife's responses about it is indicative that you shouldn't talk to her about it. It's apparent that she doesn't process it the same way that you do, so talking to her about it may cause some resentment from you when she doesn't react the way that you want. I think it's best to save that topic for your male buddies.

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I spilled my guts and she just kinda looked at me blankly

Because she's thinking: "Why are you telling me this? Are you looking for my approval and validation? Do you want me to be your mommy?"

I've been thinking about writing a post on this exact topic. Perhaps now is the time.

[–]dansnapsit0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Please do. I’d love to see a post expand upon this.

[–]Red-Curious1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's up - unedited, but I ran out of time.

[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to turn to accountability partners other than your wife. We all want to be our best selves for our partners and that makes it difficult to disclose things that show you at less than your best.

Also, now is the time to go back and review the hours leading up to your relapse. What were the warning signs? What yellow lights did you blow through? Remember HALT. (Never allow yourself to becoming too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired.) Learn to recognize when you're on the road to a relapse so next time you can put on the brakes or steer down another path instead.

[–]1RPC0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You had a good run then fell but quickly recovered. Remind yourself of your status in Christ and don't wallow in it.

I wouldn't confess to your wife. I know some anti-porn people disagree but I think it doesn't work well. Should we confess to wives every time we lust at a woman? Would you want her to tell you every time she covets another woman's husband in any way?

I've experienced the same thing confessing to other guys in a small group. They had these weird looks on their faces. I found out over time that they were doing far worse and far more often. That didn't justify my sin, of course, but they were not the guys who were going to help me. I wasted way too much time with them.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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