Continue to pursue dating or not?

August 28, 2019
8 upvotes

Stats: 5'10" 130lbs 16.6%bf I'm a runner. 20 yrs old.

I've read everything in the sidebar, the stuff regarding women.

Anywho,

Reading the sidebar and implementing those things have helped my dating life but nothing serious ever comes from it. I feel like I am too young to seriously date anyone my age and also too young to date anyone older. With already low chances with Christian daters, it's very hard to date.

Where do I start now?

Should I start approaching attractive men? It has always been something I did not want to do because I think if I do that then I will be too forward. I also feel like there's a weird holding tank that I am in and I know others are too. That it is very hard to date seriously until somewhere around 25 because of the stigma, frustration, and risks dating younger.

I don't wanna age like milk for the sake of it but I don't know where to look anymore. I've tried the dating apps and with the filters but some people still hide behind the Christian name.

I've prayed a lot but haven't fasted about this. I don't know what else to do or where to look. Where should I look? Or would it be better to put this on the back burner for now?

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Post Information
Title Continue to pursue dating or not?
Author sywonsmumu
Upvotes 8
Comments 11
Date August 28, 2019 3:33 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askRPC
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/continue-to-pursue-dating-or-not.304648
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/cwfbdd/continue_to_pursue_dating_or_not/
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Comments

[–]OsmiumZulu5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Stats: 5'10" 130lbs 16.6%bf I'm a runner. 20 yrs old. Where do I start now?

Lady dude, you need to lift like Africa needs to learn what civilization is. Like no joke, I didn't even read the rest of your post because until you figure out how to not be a stick figure, you are asking: "How do I climb mount Everest naked?"

(Okay, read the rest of your post now)

Should I start approaching attractive men?

Maybe. Though if you feel the need to approach men it's likely because you aren't attractive enough yet. Like, the fact that you know what reddit is and even found a place called askRPC indicates that you aren't drowning in guys wanting to lay pipe on you (in the marriage bed of course).

I think if I do that then I will be too forward.

My advice is typically: women shouldn't approach men. Unless Christian Chad comes your way. Women should always approach Christian Chad.

it is very hard to date seriously until somewhere around 25 because of the stigma, frustration, and risks dating younger.

This is BS of the highest order. I married my wife just before she turned 19. A good friend married his 19 year old wife this summer. As a woman, you start to quickly approach the wall at 25. If you've hit the genetic lottery (you haven't or you would be too busy fending off advances from men and deleting dick pics to be posting here) you might stretch that into your 30's. That said, 35 is when a woman is considered geriatric in terms of pregnancy. Want a normal sized family? Don't delay too long.

I don't wanna age like milk for the sake of it but I don't know where to look anymore.

You will if you don't lift. I don't say that because it's RP dogma, but because I have seen firsthand the difference between women who lift as they age and those who don't. It's like someone who begins to invest in their retirement in their 20's compared to someone who starts to plan their retirement in their 40's. Guess who ends up with the nice portfolio and a beach house and who lives in the trailer park community?

I've tried the dating apps and with the filters but some people still hide behind the Christian name.

Yeah. This honestly sucks and I don't envy your position. Apps are worth avoiding, but you may be better served with matching websites like eHarmony and the like. I've never used them, but the audience of those apps is more mature and serious about finding a relationship rather than just a booty call.

I don't know what else to do or where to look. Where should I look?

Okay. So you're smart enough to read the other sub's sidebar and include your stats here. A lot of the knuckle draggers who come here don't even bother. I'd venture that you are smart enough to understand basic economics.

Here are the ultimate questions regarding the sexual market place: What is the product you are selling, does your marketing work, is it worth the price?

Consider these offers:

  • Product: Pussy
  • Marketing: Runs sometimes and I am not (yet) eating myself to death
  • Price: Lifetime commitment (child support and divorce rape if things don't work out)

VS:

  • Product: Pussy that can maintain a home, can cook, knows the Bible, is feminine, able to mother well, etc
  • Marketing: fit and has tight curves in right places, dresses really sexy (but not too sexy), habitually eats healthy, concerned about health choices, etc
  • Price: Lifetime commitment (child support and divorce rape if things don't work out)

Which is more likely to attract a qualified buyer? The price doesn't change for us Christians, so you're stuck with tweaking the product and / or the marketing. Either your product sucks, your marketing blows, or both.

Or would it be better to put this on the back burner for now?

...so you can do what? Go to a third world country to take selfies with starving kids that aren't yours? So you can go live in a cubicle for 50 hours a week manipulating spreadsheets so you can get a promotion and afford to adopt another litter of cats while your ovaries dry up? The reason why you are concerned about your marital / sexual future is because you are smart woman who hasn't suffered the low-key lobotomy that is feminism and know you should be concerned.

If I was your sister what would you advise I do?

Okay, sure you didn't ask that, but I am framing the rest of my response as if you were (because you are in Christ) my sister.

I would bet my left testicle that you are not as attractive as you could be if you really tried and you know it. Yeah, physical attraction is stupidly important but to land the caliber of guy you want you need to focus on it until you get it figured out. Real talk, Esther didn't get picked because of her "inner virtues", she took a year to become a total smoke show. So give yourself 12 months to overhaul your appearances. Running will never give you the body you wish you had. Read this book and follow it 100% for a year and you will radically transform your body. 16.6% (.6?? weird flex bot okay) body fat is probably too thin for you. 20-25% looks great on most women. If you start packing on the weight without lifting to bulk and cut it will look stupid and you'll probably be worse off, but if you do lift, bulk, and cut (read the book, seriously) most women can radically improve their looks. Next, if you haven't already started, get busy becoming "wife material". Not all men want a domestic wonder in the home, but I don't know a man who wouldn't see a woman who can cook as a big win. Learn to dress in a way that flatters your body. No need to show the world the girls, but you want him to see you as a sexual person. You are, after all, a 20 year old single female looking to find a man, no need to hide the fact.

Whatever it is you end up doing, you must know that the asking price of marriage is steep and you have to come up with the goods to justify the cost and risk. A Godly worthwhile man isn't going to steward his time and resources poorly; if he's going to get married it's to a woman he can't resist and who can aid him in his mission. Be that woman and stop pretending you don't know why you aren't her yet.

[–]Red-Curious4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Solid. We may have different views on who asks who, but good stuff all around.

[–]sywonsmumu[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Like no joke, I didn't even read the rest of your post because until you figure out how to not be a stick figure, you are asking

Lol I've been slim all my life and was hoping to not hear this answer. Reading that lifting will help aging definitely makes me consider it more. This isn't the first time I've heard I needed to lift.

Like, the fact that you know what reddit is and even found a place called askRPC indicates that you aren't drowning in guys wanting to lay pipe on you (in the marriage bed of course).

I'm leaning more towards the reason of it being my atmosphere and marketing. I'm trying to see if I can kind of push along that process.

Which is more likely to attract a qualified buyer? The price doesn't change for us Christians, so you're stuck with tweaking the product and / or the marketing. Either your product sucks, your marketing blows, or both.

I see. I think my marketing blows. I look available in church and out but I don't know if that's enough.

...so you can do what? Go to a third world country to take selfies with starving kids that aren't yours? So you can go live in a cubicle for 50 hours a week manipulating spreadsheets so you can get a promotion and afford to adopt another litter of cats while your ovaries dry up? The reason why you are concerned about your marital / sexual future is because you are smart woman who hasn't suffered the low-key lobotomy that is feminism and know you should be concerned.

Well to put this on the back burner to focus on my goals. I have other things that drive me so I thought of the expression "it'll happen when you're not looking" may apply.

Regardless this was good advice. I need to pick up a weight. What was the book you suggested?

[–]OsmiumZulu2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The book is Thinner Leaner Stronger by Mike Matthews. My wife and some of her friends have followed the advise there to great effect; the example transformation pictures are definitely achievable. As for the “thinner” in the title, don’t worry about it. In the book he talks about bulking, which is what you need to be focused on.

Also, when you go to lift weights and want to know what proper form looks like check out Jeff Nippard’s videos on YouTube. He breaks it down extremely well with high quality video.

[–]Red-Curious4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

and also too young to date anyone older

At 20, you've got plenty of options available to you. You're in the perfect age range where if you take good care of your body (which seems to be the case) you should be getting lots of attention from both same-age guys and guys all the way into their 30s. I'm not sure why you'd limit yourself here. If I knew then what I know now and were in a different timeline where I wasn't married with kids, I'd be the 30+ year old guy most attracted to women in their low-20s.

With already low chances with Christian daters, it's very hard to date.

This is a sad reality for many women, especially the spiritually mature ones. Ideally, a Christian woman should always be with a man who is more spiritually mature than her so that she can follow him as he follows Christ. Of course, I don't quite know your actual spiritual maturity, but that could say how wide or narrow your options are.

Because of this paradigm, it's perfectly acceptable for women to chase after men, even though men should be chasing after Christ instead of women.

Best place to start? Ask yourself: what would your ideal man be doing right now?

  • Would he be running his own company? Join a networking group for young business owners and pick a small-scale business you could market along the way to justify being in the group. Even if you have no real education or skills, pick something like starting a house cleaning business, crocheting blankets, or whatever.

  • Would he be in a band? Hit up local concerts and small-time venues and get to know the guys in the band between sets - especially if they play at a Christian cafe or venue.

  • Would he be out making disciples? Look around for a disciple-making community. I don't mean churches congregations. They don't make disciples. I mean the ones really committed to doing what Jesus did. This may take some looking, as these pockets are rarer, but I'd be shocked if there wasn't one in your city somewhere.

Should I start approaching attractive men?

Of course.

then I will be too forward

Here's how this works:

  • The beta guys will be thrilled that a (presumably) attractive girl is interested in them.

  • The guys who get the orientation of the pursuit and are solid leaders will expect women to come to them.

  • The only guys who won't be interested are the old fashioned types who are too spiritually immature to understand the orientation of the pursuit and are too hot-headed to be willing to adjust their cultural impressions that the man should initiate.

In short, the only guys who would be put off by you being "too forward" in approaching them are the types of guys who you don't want. But being "too forward" you're still going to have to filter out some weak men anyway - but they'll be much easier to tell apart.

weird holding tank that I am in and I know others are too. That it is very hard to date seriously until somewhere around 25 because of the stigma, frustration, and risks dating younger.

That stigma is a product of feminism and you should ignore it. It says that women should "get out there" and "have fun" and "really experience the world" and "learn who you are" before you're willing to settle down and get married. This is always code for: Go have lots of wild, rampant sex, taking advantage of your feminine sexual power while you've got your looks working for you, then get a good provider to supplicate to your every whim a year or two before your looks start fading.

While it's far from a Christian sub, go read some of the posts on /r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen. I mean the actual reading bits - top comments, self posts, etc. Not just the memes, pics, etc. They're definitely talking about the secular world, but you'll learn real fast what lies feminism is feeding women, and hopefully you can learn from others' mistakes.

In your particular situation, the lie is that you should wait to get married until you're "ready" because you have to "learn who you are and experience the world" first. Don't fall for that trap. Yes, there are risks to dating younger. But the rewards are much higher and the chances of finding a good guy are INSANELY higher when you look while you're young than when you're 25+. At that point, you've already spent most of your best years and, at least from the perspective of the crude secular sub above, with your highest-value years on the sexual marketplace behind you, you have a lot less to offer a guy, therefore can expect a lot less, and therefore end up with a lot lower quality of men ... ergo the women who keep asking at 28+ r/"Where are all the good men?"

I've prayed a lot but haven't fasted about this.

Fasting can have value, but only if you are doing it for the right reason. Too many fast just because they think it's a good idea or because they want to change God's mind. Biblically, the purpose of fasting is to express the sincerity and extremity of how we feel to our spiritual groom. That's it. If he chooses to change his mind as a result, great, but we don't do it with the expectation that this actually happen, as there are plenty of biblical examples where fasting didn't actually change anything at all.

I wrote a lot more about this here: https://www.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/blrqw7/share_your_experiences_with_fasting/emr4wi7/. It's a good idea, just make sure it's not with the expectation of results; rather, to build your trust with God because you know he hears you when you go on a hunger strike to show your sincerity.

Where should I look? Or would it be better to put this on the back burner for now?

I tell men to put it on the back-burner until they're in their 30s and well-accomplished in their mission. For women my recommendation is the reverse: begin looking immediately, and don't be afraid to look older. Younger guys are going to be more immature and poorer leaders.

Best way to look for a guy is as I said above: what would your ideal guy be doing this weekend and go there.

A strategy I teach men is cold-approaching. This is more an evangelism strategy for spiritual reproduction, but that's how Christ intends his bride to be. As a woman who knows her ovaries are fading, Christ's bride should realize the clock is ticking on just how many disciples we can produce during our lifetime, and we should be pretty eager to initiate spiritual reproduction often before we become that old guy/gal that the younger crowd just can't identify with - and it's much harder to witness to older people (40+).

In this sense, just as we as Christ's bride are to be eagerly pursuing him with spiritually reproductive passion, so also should a woman pursue a physical man with sexual passion. Just as we (Christ's bride) may cold-approach people to build Gospel-centered spiritual relationships with, so also should a potential bride be willing to cold-approach a man to build a Gospel-centered physical relationship with.

Easy opener: "I saw you over there and thought, 'I'd love to meet that guy,' so here I am. I'm sywonsmumu. What's your name?"

But what if I get rejected?

It comes with the territory. Your Heavenly Father doesn't reject you. Your spiritual groom, Jesus Christ, will never reject you. The Holy Spirit promises to come on you when you ask. Do you really need much more validation than the supreme being in all the universe? If not, then a guy turning you down shouldn't mean much. If rejection does bother you that much, it says something about the sufficiency of God in your emotional life.

Now, I may be confusing some masculine traits in this, so flesh this out from other red pilled women. u/g_e_m_anscombe might be a good resource for you here. Men are innately meant to seek validation from God, but women are designed to find validation from their husbands - so maybe you're perfectly in your right and God-given design to be concerned about rejection from men, to some limited degree (not to say you are concerned, just speaking hypothetically).

I suppose if you are concerned about rejection, and appropriately so, then maybe the better question to ask is: How much rejection am I willing to face to find a guy I'm willing to follow?

You see, rejection is a wonder filtering mechanism. At least from a male perspective, when a girl rejects a guy it helps him filter pretty quickly which girls are worth his time and which aren't. No sense spinning your wheels when it's not likely to work out anyway; so I'd rather a person reject me if they know it's not going to work than waste my time for weeks into a dead-end relationship. This aspect, at least, can work for women too. If/when you face rejection, smile: it means you just checked another guy off your list so you can stop pining over him and move on to the next guy (and as a practical matter, you should have a list of potentials, not just one guy before you start thinking about a backup).

/u/redpillwonder would also be a good resource - he's done a lot of our writing toward helping women be what the ideal guy is looking for. Maybe he has more tips on finding a worthwhile guy too.

But whatever you do, don't get hung up in the false teaching that you should be out there looking for "Mr. Right" and that there's some guy out there who's perfect for you. There's not. Every guy will have pros and cons. Every married girl will at some point feel like she settled. AWALT. AMALT. Don't hold extremely high standards. Hold biblical standards.

The guy I fell for was often homeless; constantly harassed by the authorities; his feet were dirty; he stunk often; he said things that extremely offended the type of people I would have wanted to impress; people hated him so much they tortured and murdered him. But he was a good man and a godly leader. I couldn't have asked for better. Not high standards, but biblical ones. Not to say attraction is bad - you SHOULD (MUST, even) be attracted for it to work; but you get my point.

[–]sywonsmumu[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I understand your point. This was really sound advice especially with the fasting point. I won't fall for the trap of waiting to get married.

The guy I fell for was often homeless; constantly harassed by the authorities; his feet were dirty; he stunk often; he said things that extremely offended the type of people I would have wanted to impress; people hated him so much they tortured and murdered him. But he was a good man and a godly leader. I couldn't have asked for better.

Was this an excerpt? Anyway I love this part. It's hard to find a godly, mature leader and knowing what may come with it, but regardless I'll continue my look for one with the tweaking of my environments.

[–]Red-Curious2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not an excerpt. I was referring to Jesus, of course. Though I'm a man, I'm still among the bride of Christ. I can't imagine if Jesus were to have married (which he would have been within his right to do), that his lifestyle would have been particularly different. After all, we know Peter was married, and yet we see him living the same life with Jesus anyway. It just puts a different lens on the ideal husband - and yet we don't deal with Christ exclusively in his poverty, but now also share in his glory. So there's that too ;) But his disciples had to follow him and trust in his future glory before they actually saw that glory as we do now.

[–]sywonsmumu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

But his disciples had to follow him and trust in his future glory before they actually saw that glory as we do now.

Oh I see. This also sounds like a parallel to a Christian marriage.

[–]g_e_m_anscombe1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

All the problems you have highlighted are very real.

I can say this: if you start pursuing guys, you run the very real risk of intimidating them and turning them away. That may teach you something, too.

Are you in college? I found one of the challenges in college was that most of the men you meet are the same age as you and so they are often immature relatively speaking. There's a gap where most guys who are out of college don't want to date girls still in college at church. Once you've graduated and have a job, you basically age into the next dating tier which is advantageous because you are able to meet more mature men. It is also helpful to meet men at church. If there aren't a lot of men at the church where you currently attend, you might consider finding a church with more people in your age range.

The wall for women is around age 30, at 20, you still have plenty of time. Being patient is good if it causes you to wait 2 years to find the right man; it's not good if you wait a decade. It's OK if nothing serious develops for another few years. Your goal in dating should be to figure out WHAT you like in men - what works for you and what turns you off - WITHOUT losing your virginity. "Serious" dating can actually work out worse because you are tempted to up your n-count, but if you're feeling desperate, you're likely to take the first guy who comes along.

HENCE, nun mode. You want to cultivate the mentality of abundance - that God will send the right person at the right time. That way, you don't settle for somebody you don't really like for superficial reasons. If you go on a first date and it feels off, consider why it feels that way. Respect your own intuitions. Don't fall for someone just because he's the first guy you go out with, or just because he's liked by all the other girls. When you pray, make sure that you are praying for peace and trust in God rather than for the outcome to work out the way that you expected. I would advise that you go into nun mode for a predetermined period (say 3 months or 6 months) so that you aren't tempted to quit nun mode if a man starts showing interest; during this period, it can be good to fast from things like love songs or romantic movies.

In nun mode, consider and be praying for what you really want in your spouse. Focus on the things that truly matter, the things that give you greatest joy or the things that would rob you of joy the most. You can have several dealbreakers, but they shouldn't be over something totally vain. You're a tall woman; you probably want someone taller than you. But Michelle Obama wears flats and she is happily married to a former president. You may want a man who is at the same height or taller than you, but don't feel like you can only be happy if you find someone who is 4" taller than you. Pray about what you should compromise on versus not. (To give one example, I told my husband in advance that smoking is a dealbreaker for me. My grandfather died of smoking-related cancer; my grandmother is spending her last decade of life alone. He doesn't smoke regularly but said he wanted to smoke cigars on special occasions. That is acceptable to me, as long as he does it outside the home and rarely. A cigar once a year isn't the same as a nasty, health-destroying habit. Know what your limits are regarding deal breakers.) Ask God what you need and for clarity once you've found it. While in nun mode, you want to be setting yourself up well for what Red Pilled Christian men consider when they want to marry, which is generally: a healthy sex life and children.

There are several pitfalls that most women fall into on this matter:

  1. They dress like men or like sluts. Aim for beautiful more than sexy. (The virtue of feminine modesty.)
  2. They do not have any common interests with men. You don't need a ton of masculine interests; you just need to have one thing reasonably in common with the person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with. Something you can do together during which you will enjoy one another's company. (The virtue of joy.)
  3. They do not like or spend time with children. You need chances to show off to an interested man that you would make a good mother. (The vocation God to which God calls you if you marry.)
  4. They have addictive habits that are hard to part with, such as drinking, smoking, or living beyond one's financial means. (This is one area where college can be a disadvantage - if you've gone into debt, you bring that debt to the marriage and it impedes your readiness to be a mother.) (The virtue of self-control.)
  5. They think they can save or rescue a man by changing him; a woman cannot nag a man into being the husband she wants. (The virtue of grace and trusting what is outside our control to God.)

The good news is that by cultivating these godly virtues (which are also all fruits of the Spirit), you prepare yourself to be a better daughter of God even if you don't find the right man. It is better to be alone than to be with a man who leads you away from God.

When you leave nun mode, remember that the goal of any date is NOT to find your soul mate. The goal of a date is to glorify God; if you leave the date without sin and have learned something about yourself that helps you for the next step of the journey, you have glorified God even if you never go on a second date with that person. If you have a relationship that lasts 3 months, that's fine! Just learn from it. My relationships before marriage taught me that I needed a man that I could have thoughtful conversations with. Some other women will want a man that can work so that they can stay home with their kids. Some other women will want a man who is good with kids so that she can continue to work. I do not know you, so I don't know what you want but you must figure it out for yourself. If you find yourself attracted to other people while you're dating one person, take that as a sign that something is off. Long-distance is inadvisable; you should only opt for long-distance if you feel reasonably sure you want to marry the person and are in temporary circumstances that preclude marriage.

tl;dr pray more and trust in God to guide your way!

[–]sywonsmumu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm still in college. My issue is just the waiting period until I graduate. That's what I meant by the holding tank. I just don't want to wait around but it looks like I may. As for the guys my age, you said it, they're immature around me. For the time I may just continue to work on myself and how I present myself.

during this period, it can be good to fast from things like love songs or romantic movies.

I can see why. Use nun mode to glorify God rather than to look for a specific outcome. This may be hard because subconsciously we look for a good outcome with all the effort that was put in.

[–]CarelessBowler50 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lots of other great comments here, I don't have much:

Don't panic. Even if finding the right man takes another five years, you'll be okay.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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