Encouraging leadership in with non-rp husband

October 30, 2019

I am a woman, I did not overtly see anything that prohibits me posting here, apologies if so. Tldr at the bottom.

I have been married to my husband for 10+ years, he is not into rp. I am not fully aware of everything trp from a man's perspective (I intentionally stay out of those discussions usually) but I do generally agree with (most) of the ideals, as it pertains to what I personally want in my relationship anyway.

I can make a very long list of wonderful things about my husband. He treats me and our children wonderfully and is in many ways a dream man. I am grateful for him, I appreciate him, I love him, and I make sure he knows this often.

However, our relationship is seriously devoid of passion, physical affection, sexual chemistry, and attraction. We are having somewhat scheduled sex but it is very difficult for me to force myself into it and honestly that gets worse every time I "muscle" through it. I make an effort to always say yes, but I can't force my feelings and he knows this. Unfortunately this has gone on a very long time and we're in a vicious cycle where I don't enjoy it, he knows I don't enjoy it, and everyone is feeling pretty hopeless. I am (secretly) shocked and appalled that he continues to want to have sex with me in this state and at this point I can barely stomach being touched sometimes. I feel absolutely terrible about this but I don't know how to change how I feel, only how I act or what I do.

I think there's some difference in "taste" of what we each want in bed that I didn't really know about myself when we married. He knows about this. But I believe our issues are both multifactorial and connected, and without sitting here and listing all his faults I honestly believe 80% of our problems boil down to the fact I badly need him to lead both me and our family in just about all aspects of our lives (including faith), and that he needs to develop some self respect. Regarding our faith I'm not really sold that he is truly interested in growing his relationship with Christ, we both came into our faith as adults. He doesn't talk much at all about God and he does go to church but that's about it.

I know my part in this is in submission and respect. I've picked up Laura Doyle's work and I am trying. I'm not perfect and I can give a big list of improvements I need to make, but I've changed enough to where we had quite a long conversation yesterday that amounted to him being beyond frustrated with me basically noping out of running the show. I told him I would tell him if I wanted or didn't want something, and I'd share my opinion if asked and if I had a strong opinion but that I am tired of metaphorically "driving" everything in our marriage and that I had complete confidence he could do it and that I was fine not going anywhere until that happened.

I believe he is at least peripherally aware of trp, he is definitely aware of how I feel regarding wanting him to be more of a leader, I'm not sure if he doesn't agree with trp principles or possibly just doesn't care enough about our marriage problems to change anything. We overall have a good life and relationship, we get along well and have lots in common. I suppose another possibility is him being afraid of me or my reactions. I have been ugly to him in the past, mostly over my frustrations over this same subject, and I know that is going to take time to undo, if I can even undo it. I would not even blame him if he did not want to be married to me anymore. I'd be upset but I would understand.

I'm at a loss, and frankly I'm struggling a lot with this and with my faith a bit because I know we are not to divorce but this has gone on so long and it is just this impasse. I have grown and changed a lot over our relationship and I feel like I'm being unfair to him. I have no idea what I can even do at this point except keep praying that one or both of us will change.

Tldr: my question would be: how can I encourage my husband to "swallow the pill" or at least parts of it.. Without telling him what to do? Or, possibly, can I "game" my own mind and body into being happy and attracted to him as things currently are? Insight and experience are much appreciated, or further reading that I can do that is appropriate for a wife.

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Post Information
Title Encouraging leadership in with non-rp husband
Author Wistful_wife-
Upvotes 7
Comments 28
Date October 30, 2019 12:05 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askRPC
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/encouraging-leadership-in-with-non-rp-husband.304606
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/doyr96/encouraging_leadership_in_with_nonrp_husband/
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