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How to Hide Your Porn

cdnrpc
October 5, 2019
9 upvotes
/r/askRPC

I don't have skin in the game on this issue anymore, it's been about 3 years since I've had a desire for porn...

But there seems to be a fairly common piece of advice here to not share your porn struggles with your spouse.

I get that a spouse is not a good idea for an accountability partner as there's too much incentive to lie. However, is hiding this struggle from your spouse the right way to operate? I've heard suggestions to tell her something along the lines of "I have a struggle with pornography, but I deal with that with an accountability partner and I don't think you need to know anything more than that".

If my wife told me "I struggle with flirting with men for emotional validation and romance novels but I'm working on it and that's all you need to know"... I'd strongly consider walking.

what's the RPC way of handling this idea?

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Post Information
Title How to Hide Your Porn
Author cdnrpc
Upvotes 9
Comments 7
Date October 5, 2019 10:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askRPC
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askRPC/how-to-hide-your-porn.304661
https://theredarchive.com/post/304661
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/ddu0z6/how_to_hide_your_porn/
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Comments

[–]Deep_Strength4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

There's no one size fits all answer here. Largely, it depends on the spiritual maturity of one or both spouses (whether the husband or the wife has the porn habit or not).

I'd say it's better to have an accountability partner if the wife is immature and has a tendency to hold things over your head. However, it can work fine if she's a model Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 wife. Same with vice versa with a wife who has a porn/romance novel habit.

It's usually the former than the latter though, which is why a same sex accountability partner is often better (for both sexes). Trust can be built enough for the latter eventually, but both spouses need to be putting God and His Word first.

"I have a struggle with pornography, but I deal with that with an accountability partner and I don't think you need to know anything more than that"

The bolded is also unneeded and unnecessarily confrontational. "I'll keep you updated periodically, if you want to know" is a better statement.

[–]BourbonandBirdies0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is perfect timing as I just encountered this same issue. After reading NMMNG and taking in the sidebar, I noticed I had an enormous amount of Nice Guy tendencies in my marriage. Recently, my wife and I had a “main event” where we were discussing why when women withhold sex how it increases sexual sin and temptation in men.

I know I am accountable for my actions regardless of her putting out but we all know this struggle. She asked me for the first time in a long time, “have you ever looked at porn”. I sat for a second and thought about doing my normal lie and say, “of course not honey you are the only one” blah blah. Then I remembered my new way of thinking. It’s time to OYS and stop lying to people according to the NMMNG book. I mentioned to her that when we go without having sex, I have to battle hard to keep my temptations at bay and that in our worst times of no sex, I have faltered. I told her that 95% of men have a porn problem and that this is something that is running rampant in marriages. I told her that this is real life and what is occurring in our sin filled society. She being a “child” as many of you have described in the past, acted so surprised this is what is going on. “How could someone do that to their spouse, it’s the same as cheating. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

Since this conversation she has withdrawn further and being an anxiety driven person, she has said this has caused her a lot of depression. I continue to be her oak, speak truth to her, I asked for her forgiveness, but still she has been hanging this over my head. Now it’s the latest excuse for not being physical. She continues to live in this fantasy world where men should be able to hold their urges when their SO isn’t putting out, porn is just like cheating and she feels violated, you hurt me so bad and all of the rest. I’m standing strong and keeping frame. It’s hard to deal with her childlike mentality on this topic. She now says we have to start from the “beginning” and now take baby steps for being physical again. She is shutting down all initiation. I’ve moved on n and am OYS and STFU. She is either going to get on the ship or jump off her choice. The nofap battle is raging hard. Leaning on everything to keep my monk mode pure at this time.

I will ask one question. Should we just lie to eliminate the chance for issues such as mine?

[–]Deep_Strength2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Since this conversation she has withdrawn further and being an anxiety driven person, she has said this has caused her a lot of depression. I continue to be her oak, speak truth to her, I asked for her forgiveness, but still she has been hanging this over my head. Now it’s the latest excuse for not being physical. She continues to live in this fantasy world where men should be able to hold their urges when their SO isn’t putting out, porn is just like cheating and she feels violated, you hurt me so bad and all of the rest. I’m standing strong and keeping frame. It’s hard to deal with her childlike mentality on this topic. She now says we have to start from the “beginning” and now take baby steps for being physical again. She is shutting down all initiation. I’ve moved on n and am OYS and STFU. She is either going to get on the ship or jump off her choice. The nofap battle is raging hard. Leaning on everything to keep my monk mode pure at this time.

Is she a Christian? Does she respond to Scriptural correction?

The best thing to do from this case is just ignore the issues and work on leading by example. Engaging with someone who is acting immature and trying to dictate the terms of the relationship is fruitless. Additionally, if initiating is going to make you butthurt at all just don't do it. It's basically sabotaging yourself.

I will ask one question. Should we just lie to eliminate the chance for issues such as mine?

No, but if your wife is being immature about it you shouldn't bring it up either.

If she asks about it, usually the best option to deflect to an introspective topic. For example, "Have you looked at porn recently?" and a decent response that can be "The last time you asked, you acted immaturely and tried to hold it over my head for a long time. If you asking builds resent against me, then what's the point?"

[–]lololasaurus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lying is a sin, so no.

However, withholding sex is also sinful.

On the other hand, looking at porn is also sinful.

As you may notice, there are probably a lot of other sin issues, and sin is at the root of all this.

This is a good chance for you to develop self discipline and own your stuff, work on being attractive, and draw her into your frame instead of you being drawn into her frame (which the refusal to have sex and demand to start at the very beginning again and pretending your covenant doesn't exist and has never been violated by her in any way is an overt attempt to bring you into her frame. It's very manipulative, the moment you actually show vulnerability and submission to authority above you - God - she attempts to take advantage of it and force you to submit to her demands as though she is also God).

This will be THE time you will be most tempted to DEER.

Don't do it, it'll make it all take longer.

Lift. Be attractive and make sure she has opportunities to see you being attractive and to see other people seeing you be attractive, in a passive dread sort of way.

Also, in everything that I wrote above, I'm not giving you a pass for the porn. You need to deal with that sin issue too. Jesus died for that. For you.

[–]SeinfeldDroid0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Women see married men who use porn as weak. Like 13-year-old boys wanking into their socks and trying to hide it from Mommy! It's unattractive. Who wants to have sex with that guy? Ewww.

So yeah, your wife is turned off right now.

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The RPC way is to stop using porn. Why make excuses? You slip up, just repent and move on.

The advice here isn't to hide anything from your spouse. It's to avoid the internal pressure toward compulsory disclosure. Too many guys assume that there's some biblical command: "Thou shalt tell thine wife all secrets and sins of your life." That command doesn't exist.

If you can get past the internal compulsion toward disclosure, then you can decide logically if you want to tell her or not. When you're 100% in control over your own decisions and not feeling compelled or under pressure, then you can decide for yourself if you want to tell her and what your motive might be for doing so. If you feel like it, do it; if you don't, don't.

The key here is that you're making your own judgment calls and not letting cultural imperatives make you feel like you have to do it. As long as you're acting of your own volition and not external pressure, you're good to do as you please. But most guys will realize that once the pressure is gone, the wiser choice is usually not to say anything.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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