And thats not to say i dont have periods of time where my habits are better, but for the most part they suck.
Im 25 and i still cant consistently get on a work out plan. Everything has changed from my core diet (ive been eating a lot more unhealthy the past 2 weeks, inherent habits creeping back in), my biomechanics, my thought process behind every movement in the gym, my recovery. Still encounter the same injuries that plagued my late teens. Just the luck of the draw when it comes to my body.
Im a fucking bank teller. I make 20 bucks an hour. They wanna give me a promotion, but itll be a 2nd job with maybe a dollar more. And i just dont believe i can do better. I feel like i have skills, but their context isnt strong or relevant enough. Ive got about 25k saved with no debt but fucking cares when my peers earn 20k more than me a year. Im also embarrassed to udpdate my LinkedIn because i tell everyone im a banker instead of a teller.
My ability to maintain connections is shit. I just dont value myself enough to keep up. I wont even introduce myself if the person doesnt first. I know chances are i wont make a lasting impression.
All my friends seem to navigate the real world with fucking ease and peace of mind, getting 50k plus jobs and im neurotic about every move. Everyones best effort seems to land them in a fantastic spot. when i do get an opportunity, i squander it.
I smoke pot all day. Before work, sometimes on my break, after work, before and after the gym. Its money gone, a bad habit, and all that. I know. But its the fact that i cannot consciously commit in the longterm to better myself. I just don't feel it be a worthy investment. Id rather squeeze every ounce of good i can than chase after what will never be enough. Hedonism.
I don't have enough competence in this world, and i don't have enough luck either. People with less demonstrable experience them me have gotten further than me. Im not envious, im just sick of my inherent reaction to opportunity in life.
If a hot girl lay in front of me, i may not make a move. I will lay there and scream in my head what a bitch i am, and not make a move despite fucking a month before.
Theres just too much to fix with me while time is moving faster and faster. Im not evolving. I just spin in circles, a fool to the world. Im hardly ever what i need to be when i need to be it. Im sick of watching life go by, filling eveyones cup as i clutch mine close. And when i do go for the pour, i get but a drop. I know i should be walking with my cup out constantly but thats just not me as a person. My hardware cant be changed.
Nothing in my life is natural and im just sick of it. Im a submarine, with more and more holes, and everytime i plug one up, itll eventually reemerge. I can never quite create a new habit loop. I can never actually change, its just a sheath.
Idk what anyone can say, but i do appreciate anything.