This is something I've been dealing with for a while now, but I guess I'm feeling more like "I need to do something about this".

A big lesson around this (and the main TRP) sub is "don't worry what other people are doing; just be better than you were yesterday". Which is good advice. But I think most people have a general idea of who they're aspiring to become.

The thing is... I feel almost like I'm at a crossroads. It's like there are multiple versions of myself I could aspire to become, but I don't know which person is that? If that makes any fucking sense?

To try and explain it another way...

A couple of years ago, I had long hair, a long beard, I'd say I was a pretty "tough-looking" guy. People who got to know me would quickly realize I was pretty chill, but everyone I met would usually make some comment of me looking like a "viking".

Whenever I went out for drinks, I felt like every single guy wanted to be by best friend and I would make drinking-buddies without even trying (not much data to share with women, though, since I had a lot more insecurities back then, too).

By contrast, the past two years, I've been buckling-down more. I've made a lot of personal progress, but then I also feel like I've lost some qualities I used to have.

Instead of being a "viking", I feel like I'm just some fairly forgettable "ginger". Below-average looks, and the extra weight is definitely more noticeable (especially right now, as I'm clean-shaven with very short hair on the sides). I got a lot of compliments for cutting my hair, but all from non-single women (although all still hot).

I used to have this image in my mind, of the guy I could be. A little more clean-cut, more "James Bond", dressing a little nicer instead of practical. The kind of guy who wears a suit to work, looks sharp and is a little more debonair.

Lately, though, I just feel... kind of lost.

Like, having long hair and a long beard definitely felt manly, to me. And I think I was a little more disarming to folks, someone who looked imposing but was actually pretty friendly.

On the other hand, well, having long hair was actually a ton of extra maintenance (not that I minded, but my shit looked good, son), whereas short is not just easier but physically feels better. And practically speaking, my hair would look like absolute dogshit for 1-2 years until it got a bit of length.

But it goes more than just appearance, really.

I used to consider myself a bit more of a "loner", that I could do with or without society, and took some amount of pride that I felt I could totally get by without electricity. I felt a little more in touch with our "cave-man ancestors", like I was only "part of the system" to draw a paycheck.

Now, though, I literally have to use an electric shaver every single day (my dainty skin can't quite handle a straight razor every day), I feel a little more like a "worker-ant" than a "chieftain". I've conformed to society, and it's kind of hard to pretend any different.

But then, maybe that in and of itself is a sign of maturity? Or at least a willingness to be part of "the tribe"? Honestly, it's a huge driving-force for me personally, the desire to become a true "leader", a guy who others can look to when times are tough. Yet right now, I feel about as far from that as you can possible be.

I dunno. I guess at this point, I'm just kind of rambling. Like I said, I think I'm having kind of an identity crisis, and I guess it would be great if some older folks around here could help me kind of "re-calibrate" and figure out where the fuck I need to be heading in life.