caught wife cheating, it's over. how do I get over this as soon as possible?

June 12, 2016

textbook AWALT. just found out last night. I am completely devastated and need to find someone to talk to(a professional), to help get me out of this hole. i am having some suicidal thoughts and though i know it wont act on it, i'm really worried this will ruin me if i dont get help soon.

anyone got any tips on what to do/ who to talk to?

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Title caught wife cheating, it's over. how do I get over this as soon as possible?
Author freshstart6969
Upvotes 68
Comments 19
Date June 12, 2016 8:38 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askTRP
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[–]ThatStepfordGal 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Exactly agree. The younger you are the smoother your pregnancy will be and you will also relate to your children much more easily.

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[–]ThatStepfordGal 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My parents had me when they were 22 and until now I feel like my dad is my best friend. He used to pull up at my high school gate to pick me up with sunglasses and playing loud 90s rap music from the car-it was embarrassing but a lovely memory!

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[–]ModernClassicLady 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm going to differ from the other commenters and say that maybe it is okay that you don't want children right now. Your husband is 5 years older than you, he is at a time in his life where it is normal and expected to be a father. At 26, you are still young compared the average pregnant, married woman (single moms tend to be younger).

I think the other commenters bring up good points about youth and vitality in pregnancy being important, but you will still be young in a year or two. One of the worst things a mother can do is have a baby when she is not ready because she won't be able to provide the optimal environment for the child.

I suggest gently telling your husband that you're not ready to start trying to get pregnant just yet, but that you are very excited about having children with him and growing your family. Set a timeline for when you think you will be more ready, for example, a year or two from now, and continually progress your parenting skills during this time period. Start babysitting for others on the regular. Read parenting books. Discuss how you'd parent once the baby is here.

My guess is that once you've been able to take a little bit of time (maybe just a few months or maybe a couple years) to practice baby lite mode with friends' kids and prepare to welcome a little bundle of joy of your own, you'll be much more enthusiastic about your husband's suggestion.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

These are all normal fears and anxieties.

Listen to me. No one is ready to be a mother until you see that positive test. And being told to start pushing was the scariest moment in my life.

That said, A LOT comes naturally and a lot is learned. It takes something MAJOR to mess up a child. Raise him or her how you wished your parents raised you. Make life structured, fun, and be reliable. Kids don't need much, they just need their parents.

Doctors are good these days. I am 5'6 130. I didnt even tear or get cut in delivery. I never got a strech mark and my child was almost 8lbs, 21in. With kegels I recovered flawlessly. Not all are horror stories. Doctors will make the best call they can to not hurt the baby. 30% of deliveries or more are c sections but this is by choice (scheduled), 2nd births after a c section, or emergency. It isnt the worst thing and recovery and scarring is minimal.

I feel like you are more afraid of the unknown than the known. The real question is do you want kids? If so, doing it younger gives you more energy and ability to heal. It sounds like you are wonderful with children.

As for morning sickness, I never had it but there are remedies.

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are ready and just out thinking the room. No one tells you that trying for a baby is the most fun and intimate sex you can have. Plus it takes awhile for birth control to wear off.

[–]isabeavis 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I specifically mentioned feeling inadequate and under prepared, he said everybody has those concerns.

Your husband is correct here. No one is really prepared for a child. I mean, I wanted children more than anything else and I still wasn't fully prepared for the birth of my first.

To address some of your other concerns:

  • Your body will change, but probably not in the way you're thinking. For example, apart from some now very faint scars on my breasts (I went from a small A cup to a DD in a matter of months), my body looks exactly the same. My feet are bigger though! I am very petite (5'1" and around 115-120 lbs). Honestly, if you exercise pre-baby, you should be able to 'bounce back' fairly easily. Some other skin care routines can be added to mitigate stretch marks (which I didn't do!). Almond oil on your skin etc.

  • Well, yes. You might be one of those people that is sick throughout their pregnancies. There is nothing you can do about this. You can't control it, so why stress over it? But, look at the statistics; this happens to very few women (in all my friends and acquaintances I only know of one that suffered from this).

  • You can't know if you'll need a c-section. My mother had two of them, and I was able to deliver two 8 lb babies vaginally with no tearing/stitches. No trauma whatsoever. (Again, I am tiny.)

  • Everyone feels this. Heck, I still feel like it some days. Being a parent is giant rollercoaster of emotions all the time. You and your husband seem to have a happy marriage a stable home life (good extended family) etc. This means that you're already giving your child a great start. Again, you may develop PPD - but you can't control this. You can't stress over things you have absolutely no control over.

  • There will be an adjustment period. But ultimately, you decide that your marriage is #1. You make the choice every day to put your marriage first because the very BEST thing you can do for your child is to have a happy and respectful relationship. It IS hard. I have a full time job and so does my husband and we still struggle to find a balance to everything. Sometimes the laundry doesn't get done because we took the day off to go to the beach and make sandcastles with the kids. It's not the end of the world. You make your priorities as a family.

All that said, I wanted kids MORE THAN ANYTHING else. I mean, since I was six I knew I wanted to be a mom. And it was still really hard.

So, it's ok to take some time to really think about what you want.

[–]anothergoodbook 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Start reading some positive birth stories as well :). We hear all the horrible ones and forget that most birth is normal and healthy. Watch The Business of Being Born. Read Ina May Gaskin (she is super hippy, but very encouraging. I have had 4 babies. All of them over 8 pounds. I was told by one doctor that my hips are too small to birth a baby so she gave me a c-section. I've had 3 vaginal births since. My 4th was 10 pounds 7 oz. No tearing, no bruising... I will admit that my body doesn't look amazing, but I could have taken better care of myself while pregnant.

[–]givecake 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

ThatStepfordGal said it best - every year towards 35 is making pregnancy more difficult, so your worries, though numerous will only increase as time goes by.

Find out what exercises you can do throughout the pregnancy to maintain shape and cardio. This is crucial to keeping de-stressed, and gaining and maintaining confidence (which is a requirement for good motherhood).

It's not worth worrying about some of those concerns, because they may never happen. Aim for the best case scenario, prepare for the bad ones, and follow the best advice to be statistically safe and sound.

[–]Juk9876 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Women of the last decades were brainwashed to believe that to have a child is bad. It will ruin your body, your career, will take all your time, etc. This is part of the big plan of ruining true femininity and selfless love to the family. Me and my wife believed in this brainwashed ideas for a long time, and now we are both around 33 years old, still without a child, and regretting all the time we missed on pills. You are ready. You are in a proper age. Get your priorities right and have the beautiful family that God planned you to have.

[–]HB3234 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do you feel secure that your partner will love you and your post baby body? Do you feel secure that although your husband works a lot, he will be a true father to the child?

You sound to me like you have very normal fears surrounding childbirth and raising a child, but being regular concerns doesn't invalidate them one bit.

Maybe if you discuss things like parenting styles and the values you want to impart to your kids, you'll feel more secure that you won't be a "married single mother" raising kids alone. It might also spark some excitement!

Also maybe have a frank discussion about C sections and your body fears, too, it's good to talk those things out. He sounds level headed and able to talk you through your concerns. It may be these discussions help you both see that you need a year or two to get yourself in a place where you can get excited about a baby, or maybe his reassurances will melt that last wall of resistance and you'll be excited now.

Finally, it seems like you're a little anxious in general, like you tend to read up the worst case scenario and always gird yourself for the worst. You also seek a little prone to disastrous thinking- ie, thinking that it's easy to mess a child up. I say neither of those things to criticize you, but to suggest you're looking at the glass in a very half-empty-and-about-to-spill way.

Honestly its not that easy to mess a kid up, theyre resilient. You don't have to be a perfect mother to be a good mother. Cavewomen raised babies ok, you will be great. I promise. I think those of us with tough childhoods or problem parents tend to think it's very easy to become that way, because we are justifying our parents' actions in an attempt to love and forgive them- but the truth is, kids emotional needs aren't rocket science and most of us meet them just fine.

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[–]HB3234 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

In a marriage, there is no such thing as "just" your issue. Yes, addressing it is your responsibility, but your husband is your rock, your anchor and I bet he takes pride in that. Let him play that role.

You sound like you are very conscientous that you do not badger him with petty concerns, but I assure and reassure you that these concerns are not petty or frivolous or unreasonable.

Nor are they dissapointing: they demonstrate that you aren't brushing off his desire but are taking it very seriously and considering it well.

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You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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