Dealing with it all again

Well, I thought I was there. I was 28, had awesome body, tattoos in the right places, and right attitude. Met a sexy little 19 yr old college virgin. Played it all right and it led to a 4 year relationship... but through that time, I gave too much and recieved too little, until it happened.

Now, I didnt lose myself... I'm still heavily muscled and looking good... I'm still carded at 32 and most people still think it's a fake, hell, this woman herself thought I was younger than her when we met. And she certainly hasn't traded up. I'd call myself a 7... an 8 if I were taller or had more money, and possibly a 9 if I had both... but she was a 6 when I met her, but over the past few years... she put on a tonne of weight, gave herself a buzz cut against my wishes, stopped wearing make up, and just got whiney ALL THE FUCKING TIME. So I know for a fact she hasn't found the sort of guy that she could have attracted 4 years ago, she looks like a chubby dude now.

So why the fuck does it hurt? I stupidly felt like if I gave her a little more attention she'd put in a little more effort to impress me. She didn't and I myself began to resent her for it, and myself.

So I dont really understand my anger and sadness right now... tbh, I was no longer even attracted to her... guess I sort of kept trying to see her how she looked years ago; and I certainly did not like having to constantly put her in her place. I don't really know why I am so angry and upset if this is really what I had been hoping for for sometime now....

No work atm, laid off through pandemic, unmotivated, sick to my stomache and in a house alone with NOTHING to do and NOWHERE to go...

Any answers, brothers?