How do guys manage to catch up on missed social developmental milestones?

exegol24 · 2020-12-20T20:56:23+00:00

My approach might be controversial.

Pretend. Pretend you have had these experiences, even though you know you haven’t. But, the past only exists in your mind, so technically you can manufacture whatever ideas in your mind you want. Just pretend you have held a girl’s hand, talked to a girl, had a friend, have accomplished something, have been recognized for something. It might help with your confidence.

In a way I’ve kind of done this with certain things. When I first got with the second girl I dated, I was quite inexperienced with sex bc I had only had it about 5 times with the first girl I “dated.” But I pretended that I knew exactly what I was doing. I pretended I was an expert. I talked myself up and acted like I’d been there and was high in the “hierarchy.” Even though I’ve had very few connection to alpha winner guys my age, I pretend that I have had many alpha friends and it helps me do better in social situations.

You can do this to a degree with a lot of things in life. Instead of being scared about how you haven’t done these things, convince yourself it’s not a big deal. After all, you’ve observed other people doing these things, so that’s all you need to get started yourself.

Truthmaster5000 · 2020-12-20T19:50:39+00:00

I'd say by seeking out new experiences. I can relate to your post as I was an outsider in high school and also felt like I missed out on things that should have happened for me.

I realized that my comfort zone hadn't worked for me and I needed to expand my horizons. Shortly after high school, I took a summer job at a well known amusement park in my country (United States) that offered employee housing. This experience exposed me to people I wouldn't have otherwise met and I made a few friends, both male and female, during my time there.

What I described may not be the answer per se, but the general idea of seeking out an opportunity outside of what you already know may be helpful in regards to getting out of a rut.

strawsoaker775 · 2020-12-20T19:34:51+00:00

There is no such thing as social development milestones and all girls from age of 13 have boyfriends (they are not technically boyfriends, they are plates) at all times.

trpppp123 · 2020-12-20T23:18:20+00:00

How old are you?

This sounds a lot like me when I was younger. I came from a pretty sheltered family and I didn't hold my first hand/kiss/have sex until 24. And in my first relationships, it was felt like I was playing catch up with the girls I was with. There was always some resentment from me towards the girls I dated because I felt I had been left out of the fun and party years. After my first relationship ended at ~25-26, I decided to save up a bunch of money I was going to spend a year travelling around different countries, partying, and having my fun. It was probably one of the best years of my life. While I think that helped me a bunch to get out there and push my comfort zone as well as "catch up", I still have some demons leftover that haunt me once in while. I've gotten laid plenty since then, sometimes even with models, but now my demons appear in different ways; usually when I'm not at my best and might be having weaker moments. Sometimes I think I didn't experience a threesome, or I never really experienced a genuine relationship with a girl, etc. etc. That voice always tends to manifest itself, but the more confident you become, it starts to become smaller. I'm 30 now in case you're wondering.

The second thing, while you may not think it now, that party lifestyle is fun, but it's not always all that people crack it up to be. Fucking bitches is fun, but ultimately is a pretty empty experience, which is why I think TRP tends to recommend following your purpose; it's a much more fulfilling path. That being said; that's not what you want to hear right now and I get it and you still gotta' learn to get your dick wet.

All that being said man, you don't need to do something drastic like I did. You want to live a more fun life, then start pursuing fun things. Join a martial arts club or any of your interest. If you don't click, find another activity or different club. From there, you'll make acquaintances that you start to see often. If someone seems to gel well with you, invite them out for a lunch/dinner/hike/travel/whatever. Keep doing this until you have a few friends (you can even source from different places if you want). Once you have a few friends, invite them over to hangout. Get some beer pong tables, board games, video games, and shoot the shit. Tell them they can bring a friend. Now your network is bigger. On top of that, you're the person hosting the gatherings which makes you the cool guy. Soon, people will start inviting you to theirs. Talk to people, get to know people you like, add them on facebook or whatever, etc.

This is all in addition to lifting weights, following your purpose, learning to dress better, approaching, sidebar, etc. btw. Without that, this will fail.

The hard part is taking action and keep moving forward, but anyone can do it if they commit themselves.

Good luck bud.

search_for_yourself · 2020-12-20T19:43:23+00:00

There isn’t one way to experience life. You’ve experienced many things than those who have experienced all those things you feel like you missed out on, have never experienced.

Life is all about progression. Worry not about the past. Right now, is all you got, so make it count. Go lift some heavy things, read some good books, and go talk to that pretty girl at the gas station.

Happy sailing brother.

GilbertoCarlos · 2020-12-20T19:35:09+00:00

One step at a time.

ProperStuff89 · 2020-12-20T21:04:30+00:00

I relate to you. All you can do is work with what you got. Focus on improving YOUR situation. One friend is better than zero friends right? One kiss is better than nothing. You can give up and do nothing or try to improve and do something. You will probably fuck up things but everybody does. So just try what seems best and try NEW things. You know what. PM me lets talk. Show me how weird you are :D.

jazzybluesy · 2020-12-20T23:01:34+00:00

i grew up having social anxiety , i know how you feel man. i'd advise you to start doing things you normally wouldnt dare doing cuz they're ''awkward''. for exemple , i started going out and asking like 30 strangers what time is it , asking for directions i already know ... Basically just open your damn mouth and say something , anything , eventually you'd find yourself striking small talk with ppl you dont know , and thats how you start making friends.

redhawkes · 2020-12-20T21:06:38+00:00

Exposure, put yourself out there. All of the things you mentioned in the post are magnet for low value people, so start working on your SMV first.

empatheticapathetic · 2020-12-20T23:09:14+00:00

Just gotta go out and do them. Research everything you think you need to research. Go out and fail. It sucks but if you want it you'll persevere. You're likely more further along than you claim.

Having a hobby and meeting people who have the same hobby is the best way to develop these skills. Yes you'll meet people further along in the hobby (and socially) than you are but the same solution above applies. The same hobby situation is just the perfect ice breaker and centre point of the relationship. It gives you a safe way to branch out to other topics and conversations where you have a predefined topic/activity to return to if the branching out stuff fails for whatever reason.

I am still figuring out the women shit and i'm 30 as well. Not much further along than you tbh and i've been on this sub for years. Dealing with and processing a lot of bullshit in my head i need to process before i can move forward. I've seen what happens when someone in my position doesn't acknowledge and approach these issues properly and tries to pretend there's nothing wrong, in the form of friends and my much older brother, and the results are not pretty. There are cheat codes (like TRP) but you still have to play by the rules of the game. I'm getting there though.

Andrew54321 · 2020-12-20T22:55:37+00:00

What and with whom are you catching up with?

Think about this while following my advice:

Join toastmasters
Create an elevator pitch on why you are the prize
Sidebar
Diet
Lift
Sleep

youcantdenythat · 2020-12-20T23:12:36+00:00

check out fraternities like moose lodge, elk lodge, freemasons, etc

check out groups on meetup dot com

volunteering is also a great way to meet people, check out volunteermatch dot com

like others have said, the only way to do it is to do it. also there's no magical "just click" moment. friendships require work.

Herdsengineers · 2020-12-20T21:30:08+00:00

not sure what country you're in, but three steps to start with:

-Gym. Get a lifting coach, do a few sessions for basic technique coaching so you don't hurt yourself, and then go 4 times a week. Just do basic lifts for a year, hit the jogging machine for cardio (or jog outside somewhere - park where others jog is a good one), and eat well. Keep it simple. After a year, get a coach again and learn some more intermediate/advanced lifts and exercises. Build on the foundation and keep growing.

-There's an organization called "Toastmasters". It's for taking people that have no idea where to start socially and teaching them better social and public interaction skills. If there's a club near you, go join it.

-Find a few regular club type things to do where you're attending organized group events. I used to do a lot of outings with outdoor clubs, for example. You tend to see the same people over and over, and also people come and go. So you get the chance to develop a rapport with the regulars, and meet new people and practice things like introducing yourself and engaging them in a conversation. Remember, they're newbies in the group, they're feeling uncomfortable just like you at being a stranger, you can use that in creating comfort with others so they'll react to you better.

After a while, you just get more comfortable and you'll inevitably end up with a smaller click of people that become friends. And maybe even attract the occasional chick that thinks fondling your balls and draining semen from them is a good idea. ;-)

BetteClaussen · 2020-12-20T22:50:53+00:00

Yep don't miss out i had my first gf at 24 co z i missed out and had no ide how to act it fucked me up so badly.

wont_tell_i_refuse_ · 2020-12-21T00:25:26+00:00

Once all this bullshit is over, go backpacking. Hostels are an instant group of friends. You’ll fit 3-4 years of social practice into a few weeks.

dtyler86 · 2020-12-21T00:16:48+00:00

Just curious how old you are? First of all, don’t beat yourself up over this stuff. I’ll get down voted for saying this because apparently people on the red pill hate guys that sound at all arrogant so whatever, but I was the youngest of three kids with two older sisters that were big-time party girls in high school. This influenced me to believe that the only way to be “cool“ was to be the absolute party God. So I became the party God in high school and even bigger in college. People jokingly referred to me as like the van Wilder, or a walking frat party, despite never being part of any fraternities. The point is if you have a lot of female friends you’ll attract more guy friends, if you have a lot of female friends you will appear to be a player which certainly helps your game with getting other women. I had literally only been with two girls at this point in college in my entire life, yet every girl was actually apparently thinking that I was hooking up with other girls that were just friends. I was literally into a lot of these girls when I was single and had no idea I had such a player reputation. I had no game, only slept with two women, low confidence and far from red pilled.

The moral is: fake it till you make it. Offer your social circle or your soon to be social circle something in return for your friendship like awesome parties. It sounds superficial and maybe it sort of is to begin with, but I can’t go anywhere without running into people that I know, I have tons of friends, I have introduced plenty of couples that are married, and I have never had a problem talking to women from those years onward. It will help you with women, help you with friends, help you socially all around.

MazerTag · 2020-12-21T00:29:03+00:00

As an adult, you don't make new friends unless you take up new hobbies. If you want some of those friends to be female, you might need to open your mind to hobbies you normally wouldn't have considered. Yoga, dance, stuff like that -- the best are the ones that force you to socialize with a bunch of people every time you go.

Once you've signed up for some clubs or classes, the second step is to be cool. Accept people for who they are. Don't cause scenes or be a dick. Just play along with the group, and try to add a joke or story when the opportunity arises. Don't dominate conversation or be confrontational, but also don't be sullen or standoffish. It's a balance.

You can also be honest with people: "Hey, I'm a social moron sometimes, but I mean well." That kind of humble statement can earn you a lot of slack with nice folks.

BasilevsNihili · 2020-12-20T22:01:17+00:00

If you don't go after having social exposure, you'll just have less and less. People will only invite you to do stuff if they even remember you in the first place. I have been so far the guy who was invited most of the time, hardly invited people to do stuff. Result: eventually no one will invite you to anything anymore.

So if you want to build friendships you have to try to relate to people, engage them somewhat regularly. If you want something with women you have to initiate situations, specially women. Biology dictates you're the active part, if you just stay in your cave you won't get shit.

SteveSan82 · 2020-12-20T23:02:20+00:00

Develop hobbies. That's tge fastest way to make friends.

Thetrvler · 2020-12-21T05:56:55+00:00

You have to remember- as long as a woman is physically a woman, she will always have some guy(s) wanting sex so she’ll always have some man around. You just have to accept it.

The other side that women don’t get is these men simply want sex and mostly nothing else and this gets boring after a while. The next step is woman aging and watching all the men she would want go off to younger, prettier versions of herself and this is when depression hits them big time.

As a man, we will be behind in development. Just accept it. We have no where near the same options a woman will have as far as social circles. The upside is men can attain and hold onto different types of value and can continue to sell different aspects of themselves while once women begin to degrade, they can never get what they once had. Men are much more of a slower growth but the interest builds over time. Women are a one-time lottery ticket win and it goes nothing but down from there.

Gamedragon345 · 2020-12-21T07:06:30+00:00

I feel like for me, I didn't care about this, once I started training and getting on my grind everything just got into place. I'm still on my grind and got a long ass way to go, and I don't spin plates as much as the guys on here, but even if I'm getting less practical experience, I'm taking in the information to apply it later, when I am in my prime. Also you feel a little new to trp, none of this matters, I have been an outcast in school before, Shit don't matter, just focus on the present. get on your purpose, and teach yourself social skills, its hard but just learn to talk, and I think you just need to develop the confidence through something else and decide who you are in your own head. I too find it hard to make good friends, but the best friends I have are the ones who are equally as obsessed with me about lifting or some other hobby.

ErectileDistention · 2020-12-21T10:52:37+00:00

You seem to have a lot of self limiting beliefs about yourself and social interactions. This shines through when you talk to people and makes them uncomfortable. Positive social experiences will dispell this but you have to get them first. Start by working on a more positive attitude, easy and safe interactions, and work your way up. You'll reach a point where you're confidence and abilities snowball. A lot of social conditioning is subconscious and automatic, both good and bad. Use it to your advantage that you are a blank slate.

2020-12-21T12:04:47+00:00

Travel. Then find other travellers. It is super easy to make friends and unique experiences - if you just sit around in some hostel lobby and maybe get a haircut and some nice clothes before, people will come and try to be your friends. And there will be lots of situations where you will be forced to employ and develop all of your social skills, but it will also not matter if and how often you fail and make an ass of yourself because you're not going to see any of the people you interact with ever again. You can also get laid very easily and catch up quick in that area.

FamilyLegacyWealth · 2021-01-03T02:51:49+00:00

We Will All Make It Eventually Family Remember That

dracoj21 · 2020-12-20T20:00:39+00:00

Game

BurnoTaurus · 2020-12-21T12:41:59+00:00

Cavemen lived and died withiut ever thinking about this shit. How many cave men tasted honey because they were brave or clever enough to figure out how to get past the bees. Milestones are not garauntees. You dont hit 13 and then suddenly have your first kiss by default if you havent had it already. If you hit 13 and youve talked to girls, been active enough and not fed a bunch of garbage by your parents and you have the balls to make a move then you will hit the "milestone" of first kiss.

Milestones are markers, jesus christ. You didnt miss milestones, you havent hit them yet. Let this sink in, the people who hit the milestones when you werent, they were doing better in regards of physical fitness, sociability, verbal skills. You havent yet hit these milestones because you havent gone the distance.

2020-12-21T13:28:20+00:00

I used to feel exactly like you do. I had no social skills and I felt like everybody around me could see it. No ody wanted to be my friend. Nobody wanted anything to do with me. I was so intensely lonely that if physically hurt. Here's what I did and what fixed the problem for me.

First things first: read Dale Carnegie. Every man should read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Period. That is the one book that should form the foundation of all your social interaction. The advise in that book is universally useful for every man.

Once you've read Dale Carnegie, the next two steps will depend entirely on you. However, both of those steps require you to get out of your bubble and practise talking to people constantly. Social skills are a matter of practise. All of the studying in the world will be useless if you don't practise. Try to strike up a conversation with the cashier, or when you're in line at Starbucks. Every single day, you have to talk to at least one stranger.

That established, what you need to do will depend on how much money you are willing to throw at this problem. Personally, I spent 300 dollars on Charisma on Command University which provided a more or less step by step 30 day guide for what to focus on while I was practising my social skills. To this day, I go back and relisten to the video lessons from that course. The conversational skills I learned from it are invaluable.

However, if you would rather not shell out, it's perfectly understandable. Instead, focus on internalizing the lessons Dale Carnegie has to teach you while you practise your social skills. On top of that, read The Laws of Human Nature and start look at the ways that you display envy and narcissism in your daily interactions. Sometimes narcissism can display in an attractive manner, but usually I've found that people are positively repulsed by it. The Laws of Human Nature will help you learn how to display empathy to people, which is absolutely critical for making friends. People want to be understood, and love being around people that make them feel that they are.

The last recommendation I have for you is twofold: study body language, and start watching YouTube videos by Charisma on Command. There's a great book on body language called What Every Body is Saying. It will teach you how to read posture, which is critical for your social skills. The YouTube videos will be able to provide additional advise for you to use while you practise your social skills.

Remember: all the studying in the world will be useless without daily practise. Practise your social skills every single day.

jn14j · 2020-12-21T14:50:57+00:00

For me a lot of it was deprogramming, up until puberty like most kids, I was very social. Then high school was very much like your experience. A lot of it was in my head, feeling like an outcast. And that feeling only makes you behave more strangely and anti-social around others.

Starting monk mode was a great start to give me the energy (working out/nofap), and enthusiasm to converse with others. Working retail was the next piece of the puzzle. Getting the opportunity to say "How are you today" and make small talk to hundreds of people a day, quickly allowed me to fine-tune what to and what not to say. Look for a similar opportunity, join toastmasters, something.

Plus there are tons of books on the subject. How to win friends and influence people was a great place to start. Conversation and social skills are more of an art than a science, but even painting can be broken down and taught in a class.

LateralThinker13 · 2020-12-21T16:18:54+00:00

You are an adult, capable of recognizing things you lack and remediating them. So first you must understand what you're doing wrong.

I missed out on a lot of stuff In Life,never been invited to parties, never had any real friends, my plans always seems to backfire on me, I was the guy in school that was the outcast of the outcasts. Nobody wants to associate with me at all

Answer WHY this is the case. You've watched other people enough. Why did this occur? What did you do wrong? Are you scary-unattractive? Stutter? Autistic? Terminally shy? What made you such an outcast? Because if you don't know WHY you are so undesirable, you can't fix it.

scissor_me_timbers00 · 2020-12-21T20:11:45+00:00

How old are you?

I’d also like to echo the “fake it til you make it” advice.

With someone in your situation, I think the most important thing is just to get practice and put yourself in as many social and dating situations as you can so you can get thru the learning curve. Social dynamics and dating especially have to be truly learned by doing. So join as many random clubs that interest you in your city, get a gym membership, just put yourself out there as much as possible and don’t fear rejection, stay a positive guy. And of course, lift weights. That’s a non negotiable, especially for the guys in the trenches.

Oh and also, you have to look normal and presentable. So get a good haircut, buy clothes that fit, I would stay away from anything flashy. Be well groomed. Etc. These are sorta basics.

poortrait100 · 2020-12-21T02:34:30+00:00

Just fuckin start cuck

OttoVonBismark71 · 2020-12-20T20:10:04+00:00

Why do you care? Stop being a bitch and go develop these skills.

Title	How do guys manage to catch up on missed social developmental milestones?
Author	Thekillingjokehaha
Upvotes	154
Comments	58
Date	December 20, 2020 7:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/kh0ayb/how_do_guys_manage_to_catch_up_on_missed_social/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-guys-manage-to-catch-up-on-missed-social.735810 https://theredarchive.com/post/735810