Summary: How do you eliminate the subconscious need for validation in its core, so that you act like you truly are? How to stop feeling bad (hurt, ashamed, inferior) when you don't get that validation/recognition or when you are disrespected? How do you validate yourself?
I appreciate every useful tip.
I don't want to give people that power over myself, but telling myself to "man up", "stop being a little insecure, entitled bitch without frame", "just be more confident", does not help. It causes nothing in me - even if I have the genuine intention to be like that.
Having options at work, with women or in general does make me feel less stressed out, but I sill feel that need for approval, I still have those feelings of shame, inferiority, "social" pain.
Telling myself rationally that my self-worth does not have to depend on their subjective opinions; that I don't need that validation or recognition, as I won't die if I don't get; that there is no law which states I must be appreciated/never be disrespected - that's is nice, but it changes nothing.
Faking it until I make it does not help either: I am not shy or socially phobic. I can act as I was confident, which I mostly do, but it does not make me feel better. I still feel "vulnerable".
This is a human basic need, but often I feel it for the wrong kind of people: dates, colleagues, superiors, etc. Maybe these feelings - when they become negative - stop me from doing things I would regret doing in that moment, like getting into a fight, but they don't help me, because I don't feel ok. They make me feel fake, unfree and I think "why do I want the validation of these people I shouldn't like in the first place?". Mostly you want validation when you want or need something from am actual position of powerlessness, or when you want human connection and affection/recognition. Not only I dislike feeling it for people who don't matter, but I also dislike feeling hurt, feeling ashamed and inferior when I don't get it, when I'm harassed or disrespected, because that means that I agree with their low opinion of myself. I don't show emotions in public, but internally I feel bad. So, I feel submissive, timid and don't act in my best interest, don't show my true self, show a facade.
I don't loathe myself. I don't understand self-loathing. I am improving myself, slowly gaining muscle and rapidly losing fat. I am dating only one girl right now, texting with some few others and approaching some others where I happen to be at the moment, but I feel tense, awkward. I mostly ignore shit tests, because I don't know what to say. I would like to give witty answers, but I feel awkward, so I pretend I don't care, I didn't hear/read that.
The only logical solutions are either to stop feeling hurt when I don't get that validation (which I would consciously like to eliminate) and I don't know how, or to become self-validated, which I don't know how to do either.