How to get ouf of monk mode and years of MGTOW successfully? (without reverting back to BP behavior)

I’ve been in MGTOW mode for the past 4 years. The reason why is I needed to improve a LOT and I had to focus.

The improvements I made in my life are just beginning to give results now and consequently, girls begin to be interested in me again. But here is the problem: after those 4 long years, I get emotionally disturbed by any sexual or romantic relationship with a girl, I develop one-itis and I go back to simp mode where all I want is to cuddle her for hours to fill the void created by the love my feminist cunt of a mother didn’t give to me.

I’m trying to find a way out. Because of how much interactions with girls fuck me up, I feel like going back to MGTOW. I felt way happier when I didn’t have any interactions with women. On the other hand, I really really feel the need to fuck girls, touch their body, enjoy their feminine energy. I would fuck anything that has a vagina, tits and isn’t obese or has STDs. Even an overweight girl with an ugly face would do it.

Is history bound to repeat itself? Do I have to do it all over again? : be alpha, attract girls, commit to one, become beta, get crushed and traumatized, go MGTOW for some time then repeat? How can I break this circle?

So, what’s the best way to go about it all?

(prostitutes aren’t an option as of now)