I talk alot with people one on one but suck at making convo in groups.

November 7, 2019

I am able to talk alot with people one on one and have alot of fun, but when it comes to sitting in groups I shy out and stay quiet depending on the people I am with. People i consider high value and those I want to be friends with, I dont mess with them and generally stay quiet when I am in a group with them. But people who aren't really high value, but I am friends with them I say whatever the fuck I want. Is this because I am afraid of being insulted in a group with them and care too much about what I say? What's the best way to go around this? I really want to be friends with people of high value, but I end up being a big beta when I am with them.

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Post Information
Title I talk alot with people one on one but suck at making convo in groups.
Author throaway69404
Upvotes 132
Comments 62
Date November 7, 2019 4:07 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askTRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-talk-alot-with-people-one-on-one-but-suck-at.294359
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/dszt78/i_talk_alot_with_people_one_on_one_but_suck_at/
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[–]papunigga031 164 points165 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

You’re outcome dependent and give too many fucks. Realize their approval of you doesn’t matter. Recognize self conscious thoughts and let them go. Meditation and mindfulness. Get out of the habit of getting in your head.

Make your mission your focus and live a high value lifestyle. Other people will want to join in. Don’t make other people a priority. You’re going to do what you want/need to do, and they can either take it or leave it.

Also recognize you’re not going to fit in with everybody. Don’t beat a dead horse. Befriend people who you’re compatible with.

[–]Razzoz6 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Best answer hands down

[–]dm222 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

lifechange answer if people can follow it. its not easy though

[–]Snowboard18 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Got rid of my social anxiety about 6 months ago, this is it right here

[–]thiikn 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

hey, how do I break the habit of getting in my head? I'm always talking to myself in my head, even when I'm in a conversation with someone else. This really sucks because I tend to do things slowly than I could (because I'm multitasking talking to myself) and I'll often miss details in a conversation. I want to get rid of this addiction so bad, the addiction of being in my head. Any tips? Thank you.

[–]papunigga031 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Meditate and practice mindfulness. Recognize self conscious thoughts are stupid and are not you. Let them go and move on.

[–]__TheDon__ 24 points25 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You have those “high value” people up on a pedestal, and therefore you’re too scared to say whatever you want in fear of being judge by them, or disappointing them. You have to embrace the IDGAF mentality. Now that doesn’t mean act like an idiot, instead say what’s on your mind without worrying too much what other people think.

[–]Standgrounding 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

What if I'm an idiot?

[–]The_other_bj 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are me. I is you

No seriously have been thinking this thought lately. And don’t really have much to say. To my credit though my circle comes down hard AF for what I think when I do speak....which I don’t care....which then they see that as aggression. Yeah it’s weird af.

[–]papunigga031 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Learn how to not be an idiot through social exposure.

[–]HotelMohelHolidayInn 25 points26 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Watching Seinfield will help with this. You won't be able to run out of anything to say when you condition your mind to talk about anything and everything, just don't talk too much.

Talking too much can come off as feminine and attention seeking. And stop caring about needing somebody's approval, just care about what it is that you're talking about and be congruent in it.

[–]jzekyll5 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Which episodes

[–]Razzoz6 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

All of them

[–]PandaLitter -3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Never seen a less helpful comment on this thread

[–]HotelMohelHolidayInn 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He's right. Watching a lot of episodes will help OP get an idea of things to talk about.

[–]Drawman12 21 points22 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Kinda same here, would appreciate a good answer

[–]embracingtheredpill 1 points [recovered]  (12 children) | Copy Link

Ok. Who are you?

[–]Drawman12 1 points [recovered]  (11 children) | Copy Link

Uhm, its me Drawman. What else do you expect me to say? I am like this guy, when speaking in person i have no problem talking about anything, sometimes i even think if i am oversharing cuz i hardly ever shut up. But when in a group setting i just kinda go with the flow, and don't speak too much as long as i don't have to.

[–]embracingtheredpill 1 points [recovered]  (10 children) | Copy Link

No, fuck that. That's who you think you are. You're not that guy anymore. You're Tim.

[–]Drawman12 1 points [recovered]  (9 children) | Copy Link

Ok then, tell me who is this tim guy ? What does he do ?

[–]embracingtheredpill 1 points [recovered]  (8 children) | Copy Link

You tell me. He's you.

[–]Drawman12 1 points [recovered]  (7 children) | Copy Link

Whatever the hell he wants i guess...

[–]embracingtheredpill 1 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy Link

Wrong. Try again.

[–]Drawman12 1 points [recovered]  (5 children) | Copy Link

Dude i am Tim. I can do whatever i want.

[–]jzekyll5 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy Link

You’re a fast learner Tim

[–]embracingtheredpill 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy Link

No you can't.

[–]LoLoJeJe 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Damn. Same problem here.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Ok. Who are you?

[–]tyronethejabrone 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Tim no doubt

[–]TigerTamingSword 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Growing up, I was the quiet guy in the room. Way too quiet. My mom insisted that I had to be more talkative, or people wouldn't give me much though. She was right. If you NEVER seem to engage in group banter, people seem to not have you in their minds much, even if you're good on 1-on-1's.

Initially, this pushed me to improve my social skills, which definitely helped. Things like common etiquette, making interesting remarks and focusing on not only the intellectual part of speech, but also the relaying of emotions, were crucial for my social development.

However, for a long time, I also sucked in group conversations. Upon further meditation on the issue, I realized I didn't lack the skills or tact, but the proper mindset. To be short and blunt, I gave way too many fucks. But what does that mean, exactly? Since I was known as the quiet guy growing up and my mom was always telling me I had to be more social, I internalized the notion that, if a social interaction wasn't great, it was my fault, even the other person was moody, tired, an all around cunt or simply an idiot. This results in anxiety, a certain pressure to perform, when confronted with social situations. That, of course, is counter productive, because when you're anxious, you can't think quickly or flow with the conversation, and people can tell that something is simply off. It took some work, but I've managed to silence this inner critical voice to a good extent.

Do you relate to that, OP? If so, maybe it would pay to check yourself for negative self talk and avoid trying to elicit positive responses in people. You don't have to be liked by everyone. In fact, many assholes are well liked and have many friends - possibly because people are cowards and rationalize bad behavior as virtues ("oh, he's so direct and honest") since they're terrified of conflict, but I digress.

In summary, seek no reaction from others, be yourself unapologeticaly, speak slower, believe in what you are saying (this relates a lot to self steem, but it helps if you're not talking about stupid bullshit). Believe and act like your words have weight, and others will treat you accordingly - but if they don't, oh well, fuck'em.

Well, sorry about the testament. Hope it helps.

[–]GucciGangBucks 8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Some people just don’t like talking in groups. You’re one of them. So stop talking in groups and look for more meaningful one on one conversations you enjoy. Don’t do shit you don’t like too do. Nobody said you had to be some big group talker start doing things you enjoy.

[–]SalporinRP 17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Being able to socialize in big groups is a crucial skill to have even if you don’t like it.

[–]GucciGangBucks -5 points-4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No it’s not. If you’re living the life you want to live you don’t have to force yourself to do some nonsense you don’t wanna do. Especially when your problem with groups is probably because you have meaningless conversation to one on one.

Side note: Real businessman make one on one calls all the time. They don’t have to talk in groups. You can game women, and be successfully in women without ever talking in a group.

Talking in groups isn’t a requirement at all. Alpha Men do what you want as long as it’s not detrimental to themselves.

[–]SalporinRP 11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Real businessman make one on one calls all the time. They don’t have to talk in groups.

This is a laughable take. Yeah no shit "real businessmen" (whatever that means) make one on one calls. But you know what they also do, speak in front of groups of people. Making pitches, hearing pitches, cocktail parties, golf outings, etc.

So yeah keep being a tard shut-in and see how far that gets you in the real word.

[–]Rage8150 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Refreshing if true.

[–]GucciGangBucks 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It is true. If you don’t like talking in big groups why would you talk in big groups? Unless it completely detrimental to your self improvement or career (It’s not) who fucking cares.

Do what you wanna do. Everyone got their own journey.

[–]woodybuzz71 1 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy Link

So you are saying your aren’t high value but still insist in making friends with high value people?

[–]throaway69404[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is what high value means to me currently.

People who have a good sense of humour, can have alot of fun people who get chicks

Now most of the people in the group are those that can have alot of fun and can banter alot and have a good social circle. I on the other hand, can banter and really want to have fun and I really want to fit in with these people but I end up being a quiet dumb fuck when I sit with them in fear that the banter may end up on me and I may end up being made fun of.

[–]tries_to_tri 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You gotta take a punch to give a punch brother. Sometimes you just need to take one good one and then everything gets easier.

I read a story once about a gay baseball player. Everyone had recently found out he was gay, and people started acting differently around him. No one would make fun of him or include him in the banter because they didn't know how he would react. Then one day one of the other players in jest called him a fairy...he laughed and the wall was broken, and he returned to being a normal member of the tribe and things returned to normal because they knew they could bust his balls without him being actually upset.

You gotta be able to laugh at yourself if you're going to hangout with guys like that.

[–]ThokTheDrifter 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy Link

That would be the way to go, actually.

[–]throaway69404[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So you drift among groups too?

[–]adriano515 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thats the right way to think about it, always aiming upwards. Why would someone Not want High value people around? Even if your the lowest value person on earth you'd still want high value friends (or should want). You should not be the best one in a room or a group it's not good for improving at anything.

[–]throaway69404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That is the best way to go around, but i tend to lose my frame when I am around with people i consider high value.

[–]tries_to_tri 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Some people will like you, some people won't. This includes high value people. So focus on saying what you want to say with confidence, strong tonality, and eye contact and let the chips fall where they may.

If they reject you or insult you after that or you just don't vibe, find other high value friends that you can vibe with or where it "comes easy". If you're high value yourself you shouldn't have any troubles meeting new people.

[–]LeatherBoundWisdom 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds to me like you're tailoring conversation to the individual you're talking to. Giving to many fucks like others said if that's case.

[–]Don_Draper27 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

  1. Practice. When I swallowed the RP I broke up with an LTR of 5 years and began my real journey towards my dream lifestyle. I didn't have great social skills but putting myself in situations where I was in social groups and pushing myself out of my comfort zone little by little led to some big changes. It wasn't an overnight change. It took months and dozens of uncomfortable moments to start feeling comfortable speaking up in group conversations.
  2. Seek advice from professionals aka read books. Look up books that focus on your situation. Detailed and quality books are a million times better than a 5 minute read from the sidebar. Try, "The Charisma Myth" and "How To Win Friends and Influence People".

[–]throaway69404[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So is it good if I force myself to go sit with groups of people, and feel uncomfortable?

[–]Don_Draper27 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

To an extent yes. With practice you'll learn how much you should push yourself and how much is too far.

There were a few times where I would engage a group and everyone would stop to stare at me and I'd be frozen and awkward.

One of my very first approach attempts on a group was pretty disastrous. I approached a group of 1 guy and 2 girls on a dance floor and said, "Hey I like your guys' dancing". The guy was just laughing in my face and the 2 girls were shoeing me away with grossed out looks on their face. It stung but luckily I approached a HB7 later who was a cute sorority girl and we had a good time dancing together.

With practice it'll get better and people will react much better to you. I've gotten myself in situations where people were buying me drinks and appetizers at a concert. One time this guy was giving me coke all night and even put in a good word for me to a HB7 he was with and we were making out all night. I started making good impressions on people that I was actively being invited to events and activities. One of my best buds drunkenly admitted that he was a little butt hurt that the group of friends he introduced me to showed high affection towards me.

[–]Republic_of_Ash 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What other books would you recommend? I'm gonna give the Charisma Myth a try, definitely.

[–]kclanton80 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It all comes down to finding and addressing whatever insecurities you have. Once you do this, you won't car as much what people will think. Right now you are scared they will find something out about you. So you keep quiet

[–]Crixusgannicus 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are able to talk alot with people one on one and have alot of fun and naturally that means after you have stopped thinking of groups as groups and start thinking and acting with them as individuals who happen to be in close proximity with whichever one of them are talking to one on one with at the present moment, you will shortly notice you can easily, quickly and comfortably have alot of fun as you do so.

[–]XXXMersenne 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same, just start doing it and you'll get used to "Holding court".

Look at each person in the group so everyone feels engaged and subsequently more interested in what you're saying.

You'll catch the vibe soon enough that: What you're saying is so interesting or "important" that you're not even there. So in other words, you lose any self-consciousness and BECOME the group too; in other words you're also listening in on this great story.

The trick to doing this is to actually be interested in what you're saying. That's it really, then the Law of state transference does it's thing and boom. Group captivated.

[–]MOSFETBJT 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just ask open ended questions.

"what are you guys doing for winter break?"

[–]mortalcoil1 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Learn simple games to play in groups. Great ice breakers and a lot of fun to raise your SMV. Have a deck of cards and play a game of Native American poker, or a simple magic trick. I know I know, up close magic? Is this 2009 and Mystery is teaching you how to neg? Simple word games, etc.

I find that a lot of group conversation tension is the icebreaker. It's human nature to be scared of jumping into a group of people and bringing focus onto yourself. A little game can break the ice and naturally bring attention to yourself. Afterward you can then naturally converse with the group.

[–]Republic_of_Ash 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm more the opposite. Not sure why.

[–]The_other_bj 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This was a beautiful exchange

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am the exact opposite

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Who are you?

[–]Poptart318 -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I'm doctor who

[–]dm222 -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

probably you are not interesting enough so people dont make conversation with you, because you dont worth it...

[–]throaway69404[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes I dont worth it

Your language is probably why you aren't able to converse properly.

[–]xxx69harambe69xxx 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bruh, ur the one with the problem, fuk u

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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