I think I may have screwed up. LTR and family issue. Vets please chime in.

August 1, 2017
1 upvotes

tldr; long-time clash between SO and my family, and recent confrontation this past weekend. She wants a connection, they want her out of my life (unnecessarily and devoid of reason). I'm torn on how to handle the stress of it, and would appreciate some insight from the experienced brothers on where I fucked up, and how to move forward.

Hi brothers,

Well, I have been having issues between my SO and my family (for context see my post "Culture clash in LTR").

There was a cultural (mine) festival this past weekend in my city, and I wanted to share a part of the evening with my SO, since I'm getting her involved in learning about it as well as my mother tongue. I spent most of the day with my parents, sister, and brother-in-law, so once my parents left and based on the suggestion from my brother-in-law (he's cool with my SO), I asked her to come by (trying to eliminate contact with my parents for time being). She was extremely happy and excited to check it out. What happened next was miserable.

I told my sister she was coming by to hang with us, and gave her the option of all of us hanging out together or we go off and do our own thing and meet up later. She got angry, cold, said a few harsh words, and a mere few moments later my SO came around the corner. I don't think she heard anything, but when she came to greet us it was obvious that there were negative vibes. I'll admit it was quite uncomfortable. My brother-in-law was nice and open as usual, went in to hug my SO and they said hi to each other very normal. My SO was smiling and tried to make eye contact with my sister, but she wouldn't look at her, arms crossed, slightly leaning away. I kept whispering and motioning to my SO to "go in" and hug her anyway and greet her, because I know I wouldn't hear the end of it later. She didn't hear me the first time, but she got it the second time and still froze and didn't go in to greet her. So they didn't properly "greet" each other in the end.

We walked away, and the first thing I did was criticize my SO (possible misstep), and chewed her out for not taking my advice. She said my sister was visibly upset and didn't want to invade her space. I told her it doesn't matter, she should've greeted her and gone in anyway because it may disarm her at least. In the end, I was right (possibly a lose-lose, because my sister was being a bitch anyway), as my sister told me later that night that she didn't like that my SO just stood there smiling. The rest of the night there was tension, and my sister ended up leaving without me and ratted me out which caused another blow-up from my parents. Ridiculous to deal with this at this point in my life, but this is my situation currently. I too left and grabbed an Uber, only after having been with my SO for 1 hour. She sent me an apology when she got home. This was Saturday night.

Sunday my SO was texting me quite a bit. I just want my space to be drama-free for a second, so I ignored her that day. Was polite when I responded to her yesterday (Monday), but kept things short. She called a couple times, and I finally picked up at night. She wanted to talk about things, but I had told her on Saturday I don't want to talk about this situation anymore. That's when she said she needs to get it out of her system, to which I replied "so, you want to make yourself feel better, correct?". Through probing I then found out she spoke to her roomate, one of her co-workers, and her brother about it. I had a clear boundary going way back about sharing personal issues with other people, and how that's not a quality I like.

Long story short, I let her talk to make herself feel better, but there seemed to be a lot of comfort tests. She brought up that I had been critical of her the past couple weeks, and in my pattern of making veiled statements lately like "I want someone who takes care of themselves as much as I do", "I want someone who is willing to learn about my culture", etc etc, she asked if I had been thinking about ended things with her. I said no, but what I said still stands, those are things I want in a partner and she is welcome to do as she pleases though but that may not be for me. She asked if I want to be with her and go through things with her. I said yes. In the end, she said she wants the same and has no doubt in her mind she wants me, wants to learn about my culture only because its important to me and she loves me, and wants to communicate with me when there's a problem (or when I'm stressed) rather than me keeping things to myself and going radio silent, and asked for my guidance on how to move forward in this situation. I told her the way to move forward and is that she will not be around my family for quite some time. Personally, I will also not tell her when I'm "stressed" or "worried" and carry-on the way I always have in that regard. Sounds like a test to lower attraction personally.

I'm pretty sure I fucked up and took a few steps back this past weekend, and possibly with how I handled things in the aftermath. This is quite a stressful situation for me to always hear it from both sides. The SO wants comfort, and can't understand how my family doesn't want a relationship, and then there's my family who insists on me abandoning my SO. Realistically, I'm at a loss with how to navigate and would appreciate the help of some experienced brothers out there. Please also tell me where I fucked up in this situation.

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Post Information
Title I think I may have screwed up. LTR and family issue. Vets please chime in.
Author AtlasCuckd
Upvotes 1
Comments 7
Date August 1, 2017 3:38 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askTRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-think-i-may-have-screwed-up-ltr-and-family-issue.95081
https://theredarchive.com/post/95081
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/6qx18f/i_think_i_may_have_screwed_up_ltr_and_family/
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