I grew up in an uber religious family where I quickly learned that lying was the only way to avoid strict beatings. That's how it started.
Then a parent died from cancer at 8 years old and I quickly started lying more to avoid questions about it. If a mate said "can your mom drive us to x, y, x" I quickly lied that she wasn't available because of a business trip, vacation, busy, etc. Lied like this for 10+ years.
Cheated on every test in highschool. Lied to everyone about everything I could to make myself look "cool" when I was petrified of a social interaction. I have memories of girls smiling and saying hi and I literally flipped them off in an involuntary movement of my body because of social anxiety.
I grew to become really big, (6'8) and got into a sport. Ended up going to college to play it. Got brutally injured soon after and multiple surgeries later I'm back home on my ass eating oxycodone like candy and drinking alcohol like water.
Then I got a job when I healed up. Improved social skills and presentation alot. Then met this really attractive girl through the gym I went to. I literally stalked her Instagram, found out she was religious, and pretended to walk into her worship place on the correct day.
She was shocked because she thought I was a cocky party boy. She thought it was a divine revelation from a higher power that I showed up that day. I faked it all 100% and convinced them all because I'm insane. I ended up making out with her, "dated" her, ie got bubble tea, watched movies and went on sunrise hikes, etc and went to the religious building together while she talked about marriage and introduced me to her father. I lied to her about my schooling, ex girlfriends, my family, my hobbies. Almost everything because I felt like I wasn't as good as her.
Bottom line I lied to her about 99.999% of things. And I legit loved her despite my lies. So when she said that her family had to move across the country, and we had to "break up" I was broken for months.
I started watching Jordan Peterson and cleaned my room. Then I'm enrolled back in college. I lift, and have started a business 8 months ago that just became profitable. I also have another job that I work and I'm looking to start BJJ in 2019. I've read all the books, I've dropped all the drugs. But I still lie every day to almost everyone. I'm constantly in a state of anxiety of being exposed.
What should I do TRP?
Edit: I tried counseling and just couldn't bring myself to be as brutally honest as I can be anonymously here. That's my weakness. I've tried to "just stop" and I have failed each time.