So a couple weeks ago I asked for help with a plate that was being disrespectful to me. She's BPD and I "broke up" with her once previously. When I did the first time she clamored her back and Hoovered back into my life. She expressed desire to "change" and "get better" which I fell for and let her back. Once I did she gaslit me saying "we know we are trauma bonded and can respect that, let's heal together. I want to grow and heal with you."
Once she was back in my life I stopped improving, started focusing on her, and lost track of my goals. She started getting even MORE disrespectful (briffaults law) and more distant (standard BPD tactics). The more she did this the more it fucked with my self esteem and was like "Bitch you're a single mom with BPD, shit family life, and no goals, you should be worshipping me". Every time I'd feel this way I'd go out and hook up with a new chick but each time they didn't trigger all the shit in me she did (trauma bond).
It got so bad I'd be hooking up with a chick and I'd call over my BPD ex right after. I was having intimacy issues with new prospects (hard to get it up and run the scene). I saw the effects of Oneitus setting in. I was becoming jealous and mate guarding (Checking her phone looking for "proof" but she deletes her texts. Another red flag). There were tons of red flags that I ignored because of the trauma bond thoughts.
Everyone on ASKtrp said get more plates or break up. The first time I broke up with her she came crawling back (I pulled away my attention, she blew up and "ended things" then hoovered back). I couldn't get more plates because I was addicted to the heroin of this chick and the toxic shit we put each other through (I'm no saint). All this considered I decided breaking up with her was the only way for me to improve/grow.
The KICKER:It's been 4 weeks since we broke up. I'm slowly getting back on my shit. VERY SLOWLY because last time this happened I did self improvement, had ONS, plates, goals, etc... and then enter BPD ex. My mind associates "self improvement" with her now. She picked off this scab and I was drawn to her and let her pull the BP beta outta me. In the onset of our relationship I told her we were non exclusive and OPEN, which she always "fought" me about but was so obsessed with me she would agree to it and try to manipulate me out of the idea (battle of frames, part of my addiction).I haven't heard from her at all (no hoovering) since the break up and this fucks with my head. Other than maybe a week after the break up a mutual got a camp site and I went. She texted me telling me she heard I was going and she wanted to let me know she was also. She never showed.
I deleted her on all social and haven't talked to her since the break.
When I broke up with her she cried and said "you don't want this" (telling me what I wanted, not respecting my decisions) "lets go back to normal" (it wasn't about me it was about her) "I want to keep going off and on with you but I can't if this is it it's it" and "sorry its really hard for me to take rejection". The first 2 weeks were hell feeling like all my "self improvement" was a facade and felt lost for what to do. Found a therapist/coach that works with BPD "survivors"/ the men that are attracted to the BPD. We've been working together the last 2 weeks reconnecting me with my emotional body that is turned off from childhood trauma with my BPD mother.
Where I'd like help/insight:Everything is getting "better" from an outsiders perspective (ie back on my routines, goals, life shit) but it all feels empty where before I was in love with improving. Now I'm just doing it because it's all there is TO DO. Everyone around me keeps encouraging me to just get a "new chick" "fuck that bitch" "get over it" etc. First 2 weeks I grieved and then got back to my life. These last two weekends I went out with friends. It was hard to even talk to chicks because I felt "what's the fucking point, all I want is HER". Last weekend (3 weeks into breakup) had a chick in my bed naked, making out, couldn't get hard. This weekend, same fucking thing. NO MATTER how hot or "good for me" these chicks are all I want to do is call my toxic ex and tell her to come over.
I feel she would come over. When we were "together" she would have her kids stay with grandma and she'd stay with me for 3 days at a time. Normally she would hit me up constantly throughout the week but leading up to the break up she wasn't and I felt the monkey branch inc so I wanted to break up with her before she did me. Her not hitting me up these last few weeks feels like she already had her new victim lined up and doesn't give a shit about me, but I know her feelings of unworthiness and fear of abandonment would trigger if she heard from me. I know she's probably fucked a mile of cock since we broke up, it's not love or a disney fantasy. I don't even care at this point. I can't get it up for these other chicks. I feel like she stole a part of my soul and I want it back. I want to see her and fucking break her by fucking her. I logistically know if I did it would prolong the healing process, make it worse, and harder, she would have less respect for me making any form of togetherness even more toxic. I still don't fucking care, I'm tired of not being able to get hard no matter how hot these chicks are and want to bring what hurts me back into my life.
Broke up with BPD ex since she was toxic for me, couldn't get more plates, every time I tried to add new prospects I'd go back to her. Had issues getting hard with new prospects. It's been 4 weeks since No Contact and found a therapist. Last two weekends went out not trying to get laid, just socialize and have fun. Both weekends brought girls back and ended up escalating, couldn't get hard. Wanted to call my EX and have her come over.