I'm honestly not here to whine, i just want advice.
I'm 26, had pretty much zero experience with women my whole life. I've been MGTOW since i was 16. At 16 all my friends started having sex and having relationships and i developed low level depression, as it's obviously something i wanted to experience as well. My appearance, social issues and lack of confidence meant i wasn't a candidate. My studies fell out the window and i just made my music hobby a priority. Went to university and did a bullshit degree related to my music. I learned some social skills during this time and had some life experiences (none involving women).
After graduating at 22, i had a family emergency that has basically prevented me from getting a real job and moving on with life, being stuck at home helping run the family business while it is sorted. In this time i have continued with my music and have a sort of social life as part of a music scene a few hours from where i live, where my band is based. This social life keeps me sane and prevents me from turning too much into a socially retarded hermit.
Exactly a year ago i met a girl (20) at a bar after performing with my band out of town. She was basically my 'dream girl' (same race, interests, sense of humour, family dynamics) and a virgin. I was on day 90 of no fap and had an incredible night with her (just rough kissing), feeling true lust for the first and only time in my life. And she was crazy about me (a 'player'/rockstar going crazy over her). I met her one more time and had a 'beta' date with her, afraid to escalate. 2 weeks later we'd cut contact after she realised what a beta i was, when initially she wanted me to take her virginity. I cut contact after she blatantly disrespected me and told me about another guy she sucked off the night before and parading it around me. It was very hard for me to cut contact but i did.
I found TRP the next day and read it religiously, learning so much about reality and male-female dynamics, power play, everything. Started lifting, started to try and be more confident. 6 months into lifting i have severely injured my back and lost all my strength and gains. I can only do calisthenics's for now while i attempt to investigate my injuries (doctors give no fucks). I'm also getting the chance now to apply for jobs out of town and start my career and life. I've been studying programming and will likely enter this industry in a bottom role.
I went and visited an escort 3 times this year to experience sex and I was awful at it and hated how it made me feel. Really insecure, pathetic, depressed, a failure. I have huge insecurity when talking to women in real life and attempting to be sexual or confident with them. I just fail hard and it compounds how i feel about my self regarding women but i still do it and learn new things.
Thinking about women and reading TRP causes me a lot of depression and negative thinking to the point i've started to look into antidepressants despite their strong side effects. All my friends have good LTRs and always have had, CC'ers weren't something i was familiar with. I hope in the next few years to: start my career, get my fitness and health in check, become more sociable and 'happy', develop a new social group where-ever i move to. I don't have the emotional capacity and strength to deal with women until i've solidified all these other fundamentals in life that i can fall back on. So i ask, is it wise to just ignore women until i hit 30? Will there be any problems with being a sexually dysfunctional person attempting to enter the SMP at 30? (I bet i'll LTR the first post wall CC rider i meet)
I seriously do appreciate the good aspects of my life. Good friends, a place in a social group, never been exceptionally 'poor'. my health isn't too awful (i have bad genes with a lot of health issues in my family), some level of social skills, not completely bald yet, 6'0, averagely intelligent. Some of my friends have serious money and/or health issues and i'm lucky to not be in their shoes.
But i'm still obsessed with that girl from last year, like daily obsession. Girls are a HUGE mental insecurity for me. They've always been on an eternally unreachable pedestal. Should i just stop reading TRP and just ignore them until i'm ready? I've been reading for a year now and i'm starting to unlearn basic concepts.
I know this is an incredibly self indulgent rant/question, you don't need to tell me. I'd just like some straight up advice. Thanks