~ archived since 2018 ~

Midlife crisis

January 24, 2018

I'm 34...just got divorced after being with my wife for 10 years... I lost my business and have to start over from nothing.. Part of me says this is a blessing. Yet I still have this horrible feeling inside like I want to just jump off a bridge. I'm single for the first time in my life and I've already hooked up with chicks in their 20s... I should feel amazing and I do at times, but at other times I just feel like my life is over. It is such a conflicting feeling I can't adequately describe. I have had sex with some amazing women... Even women who are kind of famous. I should be happy but I have this horrible feeling I can't shake. Sometimes I just want to hang myself but I know I have a better life than the average.. I keep playing with this idea of death. I normally go to the gym at least 5 days a week.... I will say this, what I think stems from my horrible self hate is that I've made a lot of money over the years to compensate for my physical presence. I'm not in the best shape, I may not be the best looking guy so in the years I have compensated by making millions of dollars. Truly I am a perfectionist and to some extent I hate my genetics... How does one get over their own ego? My only call for help... Thanks.

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Post Information
Title Midlife crisis
Author bluepillcarl
Upvotes 4
Comments 13
Date January 24, 2018 8:41 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/askTRP
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/midlife-crisis.122656
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/7slrtz/midlife_crisis/

[–]Aaren_Augustine16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Dear TRP, I've made all the millions and fucked all the chicks, why don't I love me when everyone else loves me?

Easy. You want others to do it for you. To be responsible for your emotions. So this suicide is just the open wound of a destroyed oneitis. Like, I'll show you people that chose not to love me and that I'm not responsible for me! DEATH!

This is the cost of not being your own man. Not developing your own mission in life. Not learning how to be the source of your own emotional well being. Why Rollo talks about being your mental point of origin.

So now you have the time to figure that out. And the money. However, thoughts of death seem to be far more appealing than actually taking responsibility over your own damn life.

How does one get over their own ego?

Work to have a positive mindset. Can't do that without lowering your ego to the point of flat lining it. You can't do that by feeding your victim mindset.

I have had sex with some amazing women... Even women who are kind of famous

Cant lower your ego by feeding your ego. That's fucking stupid. Like your still trying to convince someone your worth it because you don't think you're worth it. So you feed the beast of suicide with a side of external validating pussy and perfectionist behavior hoping someone will notice and someone will accept you.

But you still can't learn to care about yourself. Like a boy in limbo, cut off from adulthood.

[–]bluepillcarl[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks. Easier said than done. I want to love myself.. I've tried meditation. I feel really stupid like why can't I just have fulfilling? I have a new calling soon.. I think a 10 year failed and sex less relationship really took its toll on me mentally but good things are on the horizon I just need to remember how good I have things. I went to see a psychologist and it didn't seem to help. TRP is helping me overall. Lifting at the gym always helps. Alcohol is always a bad idea it seems.

[–]Aaren_Augustine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm 37. I fixed most of my mental problems in 24 months. And a LOT of fucking work to notice the positive REGUARDLESS of the negative.

I went to see a psychologist and it didn't seem to help.

Always wants to talk about the negative. And you can't move on to the positive.

Alcohol is always a bad idea it seems.

Only if you are a pissed fucker.

[–]daymi2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Truly I am a perfectionist and to some extent I hate my genetics...

Former perfectionist here. Good enough is good enough. What you're doing is hiding your insecurity by wanting everyone else admire how good you are able to do stuff. As someone who used to do that, did they ever admire you? Or only the stuff that you gave them?

How does one get over their own ego?

Be humble. See how much your ego hurts your life. Then vow to let go. Also, meditation.

And don't beat yourself up. If it works, fine. If it doesn't, try something else. And again. And again.

[–]hb8only 1 points1 points [recovered] | Copy Link

Former perfectionist here.

please elaborate more.. I'm the same.. I want the best or nothing but it is so hard when I'm not a billionaire...

[–]daymi1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

In the end of the day many common psychological problems come from neglect in our early childhood.

If you don't get enough understanding of your feelings by your parents in early childhood you'll try to recreate the unresolved situations in any way possible. The most common way is if you at least got some praise when you did something well, then you'll overcompensate by doing your best at all times for the praise. This will not stuff the hole in your heart, though. So you try harder and harder until you burn out (as least I did - I'm stubborn).

The only way to fix it, insofar possible, is to accept your feelings and be your own confidante and look out for yourself as much as you are looking out for others. In fact, the easiest way I found to better myself is to think to myself "If my friend X had this problem / dream, what would I advise him?" and then go do that for me.

A way to make it less bad is to find a group of friends which are... laid-back and don't take everything so seriously. I've got some chilled out friends now, you wouldn't believe it. I wouldn't have believed it five years ago.

Turns out people trust you more when you tell the truth and tell them that you are looking out for yourself. Huh. Life's weird that way.

In any case, it's fine not to do it perfectly all the time. In fact, if one didn't wing unimportant things, one wouldn't ever get anything important done. So the actual way is to find out what you give a fuck about and what you don't give a fuck about.

Also, no one in the world is exactly like you and has exactly your point of view on things. It makes no sense to compare yourself to someone else - you can't compare them. The only thing you can do is compare yourself to yourself-last-month. Are you feeling better now than then? More successful, more power? Yes? Good.

Otherwise, why do you get up in the morning at all? You won't get everything done anyway.

Just do the important (to you!) tasks slowly, one step at a time, and let them slowly, gradually, completely overwhelm you... :)

And the other tasks, don't do them at all. Find a way to delegate them (for money if necessary) or to eliminate them from your life. They aren't done well then? Fuck it.

Those are the extremes.

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

deleted What is this?

[–]redd_reality4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yet I still have this horrible feeling inside like I want to just jump off a bridge.

Relish in this feeling, sink into it and embrace it fully. This is perhaps the single biggest opportunity you've ever had in your life to experience real growth and development. Imagine who you want to become in body, mind and spirit. This pain and uncertainty is the fuel which you will use to make this image a reality. Understand that the pain and discomfort is your psyches resistance to incoming change. This is why I say accept and relish this pain. It is the boat to greatness. You can either jump aboard, throw on your captains hat and steer that fucker where you want, or sit on the dock, focus on the pain and let it destroy you.

If you take up the challenge, you might just figure out who the fuck you are in process. and one day, years from now, when you're an old man waiting to take your last breath, you'll be able to smile and rest easy knowing you lived a life worth living. For the gods tested you, you rose to their challenge and now you sit among them.

Truly I am a perfectionist and to some extent I hate my genetics

Life is a game of poker. You don't choose your hand. But the winner of the game isn't determined by which cards you're dealt, but by how you play your hand. The point -> self control and power of will are the only values and skills one needs to embrace in order to devastate his opponents and forge his own path.

[–]bluepillcarl[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I've been thinking about this comment for the past few days. Jump aboard the ship and take the wheel. It's exactly what I needed to hear. The other day I was laying in bed thinking about how I had a business how I had a wife and how I lost everything. Actually I sabotaged the fuck out of my life to lose it. I was terribly unhappy.

I swallowed the pill a long time ago and didn't even realize it. Today's a new day. I'm fighting to win and looking forward to a better life.

[–]Anon-1122332 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This hit's home for me (not suicidal tho). I'm also a multi millionaire and feel lost, I go to the gym and am in good shape.

I'm 32, with an LTR of 9 years, I'm thinking about breaking up because she (31) wants kids now, which i'm not sure about yet. However i'm afraid I will not find a trustworthy girl like her (also she has a good carreer and savings).

[–]bluepillcarl[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had a binge last night with alcohol and painkillers. I'm going through some hell right now but to be honest with you I know it's short term. In the long term, my decision to leave my sexless marriage and not have children was the best decision I could make. I knew that path would give me even longer lasting depression.

I'm going to go on a strict diet really soon so I can lose 20 pounds. Money is definitely not a source of happiness. It comes and goes and I could make money if I hustle harder. Good luck to you. I think you should take the plunge and get out of that relationship now. You don't need to worry about "finding someone else". If you can't really see yourself having kids with her right now then it's probably not right for you. We're still quite young!

[–]Dr91 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You went through something traumatic. No shame in taking some time to get back to your old self. Just keep putting effort in (which is sounds like you are), and don't just run down the clock.

[–]TRPalexmehr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sent you a PM.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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