This is going to be kind of a brain dump. I am neurotic. I admit it. I analyze the shit out of so many things in my life (I work in IT, so it kind of comes with the territory), but I analyze what people say to me, the meaning behind it, the truth, the lies, etc... I see the 'right' way to try and do things the first time (whether it's weight lifting, a new hobby, etc..) I don't want to fuck around 'learning' if others have created the wheel already and there is a best way. I want to start the path on 'the best way'. I ask a lot of questions...a lot. Sometimes I can't shut my brain off. That is part of the problem with me and TRP at the moment...I don't know if it's telling me to simply improve myself, or change myself. I am a literal person. I just say the truth. If it's with my SO, I can be more blunt then usual and I am sure sometimes it stings. At work, I have a way about my personality where I can say the truth, but the sting is removed and it's done in a very innocent, yet approachable way. If I deadlift 400lbs, I don't tell people I deadlifted 410lbs or 390, I deadlifted 400. If I am telling someone a story, I am specific about details. I don't try to skip letters 'e though h' because I feel they are part of the progression. This can cause me to talk longer then many people might feel comfortable. But it's how my brain is wired. I will open up to strangers if I feel comfortable with them. Several members on Reddit in a couple forums (deadbedrooms or TRP) I have laid out details openly to them (not identifiable, but specifics about what I am dealing with) without fear of being judged. I don't care so much if I am judged, on the internet, or real life. I can go to a movie by myself just because I want to. I don't need people around me to do things I love. I am friendly, people enjoy talking to me, even in my example above about not skipping details, a lot of people I talk with enjoy those details..others I am sure just want me to get to the point...but it's hard for me to process in my brain 'the point' by leaving out things. It's hard for me to respond with "ok" or "that's cool". If someone asks me a question, I answer their fucking question. If I ask a question, I want an answer myself, not some 3 word response.

I realize giving people too much information about me, provides them ammunition. You can't trust people, I know this. I inherently do trust people..I give them the benefit of the doubt, and I am sure one day I am going to regret that. But I am me...I like my life. I am confident. I have the body I have worked on building for years. I have a good job and good pay. I have a beautiful wife, despite some issues, I love her to death. People respect me and look up to me, I get told this...so I don't have a lack of validation in my life. I am good at sports, attractive (I think at least), confident in the bedroom, etc... yet, I feel compelled to provide as much detail as I can in conversations (in person or online). I feel like people need the whole story to provide an accurate response, despite whether that is true or not. I don't know what is wrong with me. I see other people in my life who are calm, provide short responses, leave out often what I would consider pertinent information...and it drives me nuts. Now, my personality, despite me thinking something is wrong with me, has granted me many opportunities in life and respect (which is very important and something I have earned, and I am proud of).

I don't have a close group of friends. I don't have those guys in HS or college you still hang out with every couple of weeks. I do have friends, but as life has moved forward (marriage, kids, new jobs, etc..) the outliers get farther and farther apart. I reconnect with them on FB, but not in person. I don't have a guys night out, and honestly it doesn't bother me that I don't. I don't drink. So even social situations, with my wife or friends, can be awkward when I start to see people getting drunk and acting like idiots. I intentionally stopped hanging out with certain mutual friends (of me and my wife) because history has shown me it will end badly with them. I have a handful of guys I am friendlier with at work, and get along really well with them...even to the point of being open to them about issues in my life, so I am glad for that friendship at least. Same with a few guys I know online from a couple groups I am involved with (including here in Reddit).

Anyways, the feeling I get from TRP, is I would almost have to become the opposite of the person I am...and I am not sure that is even possible. Someone who is closeted gay their whole life...will have support for people telling them to 'be who they are and come out', yet I am almost having to do the opposite if I want to rewire myself and remove some beta tendencies.

I apologize for the rambling...I wasn't sure how to approach this topic and I am not sure anyone will have much of a response, but I needed to write this out and throw it out there.