Recovering from a shaming mother

AscensionExperiments · 2019-09-05T03:10:15+00:00

Don't feel weak- the shit your parents say and do to you runs deep- I went through something similar.

My mother shamed me for being sexual- I've always had a high sex drive, not in a creepy, I'm 10 and peeping through your window kind of way, but from a young age I knew I liked girls and would flirt- and once I started actually getting somewhere with women, she began to smack me down hard. Taught me that sex is evil, that any time you have sex with a woman you are using her and hurting her. I was often punished for interacting with women. (ma has chilled out since then, she was just going through some weird crazy christian phase I guess)

ANYWAY

After that conditioning, and ignoring the cummy aches for years, I eventually found myself in a "respectable" LTR- and lost my virginity. Or I tried- the first time I tried, I got a half-mast and I swear to god I could FEEL my mom standing behind me, glaring at me. I couldn't get it up after that, and did not manage to squirt my 'gurt for another... I think two or three sessions of trying

Continuing on to the part where I'm being helpful--

It takes a lot of time and practice to deprogram yourself- the first thing you need is a fuck of a lotta space. Literally move to another state or province or country. Find a job somewhere else, go completely no contact for as long as it takes.

Begin lifting- seeing that the actions you take directly affect your surroundings is like the base point for developing confidence and self-agency.

Begin picking up one new skill every couple months- something that'll show marked improvement. spend six months on guitar, for example. Then spend a while doing rock climbing or something like that. Measurable, quantifiable proof of improvement.

Begin setting mental traps in your mind- if she used similar phrases repeatedly, then she's laid a "trigger" (god i hate that word but in this case it's appropriate) in your neurons that when you do xyz, you'll hear her snide remarks telling you bad shit. Set a counter trigger- what I used was a simple "shut the fuck up" which followed every time I re-heard one of mom's admonishments. Eventually she stopped coming around the brain, those abuses lost their power over me, and I learned to forgive her for having had a batshit crazy phase.

You'll hear her shouting you down for a few years to come- but experience will prove all her abusive bullshit wrong, and you'll come to trust your self more than her lessons.

Give it time, it always works.

Also if you fucking reply to this message with "i can't go no contact with her because of blah bleu bloo bloo" I will cut your fucking balls off

intl_plyrs_clb · 2019-09-05T02:51:16+00:00

Go to therapy.

DarkWolfBG · 2019-09-05T07:07:07+00:00

I would recommend starting by reading and doing allthe exercises described in "No more mr. Nice Guy". It covers all that shit in details and describes working ways to recover. If you are not able to do it youself, consider going to therapy. Even better, male therapist.

[deleted] · 2019-09-05T08:41:09+00:00

unfortunately, most parents aren't equipped to adequately parent children

but at least you're aware of your problems

although your mother is responsible for creating these problems it is ultimately your responsibility to fix them

it's not going to be easy, but it is possible

my recommendation would be to familiarize yourself with psychology and neuroscience, so you can take an objective, scientific approach to recovery

“Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” ― Aristotle

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." ― Frederick Douglass

your mother did you a disservice, but you can dust yourself off and move forward

smartfunction30 · 2019-09-05T04:34:56+00:00

Man, don't feel bad. When you're young the stuff your parents say sticks to you like truth. Of course if they made you feel like you suck then you probably think you suck. They're your parents and they know best. That's you how were raised. Maybe you'll get through it.

entrep4 · 2019-09-05T06:07:55+00:00

Go easy on yourself. It's difficult and takes a lot of time and effort to overcome such deep mental programming like that. You might be weak right now but that's totally understandable and you will improve if you keep working on it.

idontmiind · 2019-09-05T07:30:53+00:00

Take your time, nothing worthwhile comes easy and quick. It's a tough trap to get out of but you'll make it. Start building a great life so that you can eventually let go of that part of life. Consistency is key. Good luck

i-am-the-prize · 2019-09-05T15:27:07+00:00

read No More Mr. Nice Guy asap. The parent (mother) shaming effect is real.

if budget allows, therapy.

Idontcare870 · 2019-09-05T20:29:14+00:00

You may have internalized the shame, giving yourself a shame based identity, believing your entire being is flawed.This is called toxic shame. It is common but strangely, rarely talked about. It is the major root of addiction, violence, and personality disorders. First thing to do is to collect info, read books on healing shame. Then join a support group to help the healing and maybe see a therapist. Good luck.

Title	Recovering from a shaming mother
Author	RivenHalf
Upvotes	27
Comments	13
Date	September 5, 2019 2:23 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/czup17/recovering_from_a_shaming_mother/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/recovering-from-a-shaming-mother.251960 https://theredarchive.com/post/251960