I’ve noticed that I can only really be my true self when i’ve had drugs and/or alcohol. Friday night I was out with some friends, ran into some girls from one of my HS classes, had a bit of fun, dancing flirting and all that (i’m not normally like around them, I hardly speak to them) and they seemed to be eating it up.

Made out with the hotter one of them, it was pretty smooth and easy going. But today I went into the class (sober) which I have with them and I couldn’t even bring myself to look in their direction, I was filled with an incredible sense of dread the whole time and it was very awkward. Her two friends took a long bathroom break which I’m positive was my cue for me to talk to her but I couldn’t do it.

By the end of the class I could sense that she was bummed out by this and I just got up and left asap as I was extremely uncomfortable for whatever reason. I realise this sounds pretty pathetic but it’s just how my mind is, I cannot function with an attractive girl who also finds me attractive, it feels wrong and sends my already existing anxiety into overdrive, which is why I fuck around with girls who i’m not really attracted to.

I have the same class tomorrow and I’m wondering if there’s anything I could or should do about this because its gonna be uncomfortable sitting by these girls 4/5 days per week, and I would like to bang her lol but i’m guessing I blew it.

But more importantly, what the fuck is wrong with me and how do I fix it?