I’m an 18 year old attending a California university. I’m part of an organization I don’t necessarily fit in with, pursuing a degree that I don’t want, and unsure about what lays ahead of me. I have a void.
Because of this, I let myself fall into validation seeking behavior. I drink and party not for fun, but to fit in. I don’t even care about sex, I just care about fitting in. Drinking and partying doesn’t align with my principles or goals whatsoever, but yet I have trouble letting it go. I feel like if I let it go, I’ll have nothing.
Sometimes I think the only way to end this habit is to get the fuck out of my current situation.
Sometimes I’m tempted to cut contact with everyone I know and just leave my old life behind. Just move to a new city and build myself up. At least I’ll be free that way.
I’ve always liked music.
But then I think I’ll be an idiot for doing so since I’m in college. Yet I’ve never enjoyed college and I know I’ll absolutely hate working a fucking 9-5 prison job. That’s prison. Not life.
It’s only when we lose everything we’re free to do anything.
I’m not happy where I am. I don’t fit in where I am. This isn’t me and it never will be. College really isn’t me.
I’ve never prospered in my god damn life and seem to fake everything. I don’t usually give two fucks about the situations I’m in, but force myself to act like it so I can feel like I fit in better. People see through it anyway so what’s the point. It’s not me.
Is money really everything? Is it worth feeling like you’re living with cuffs around your hands at all times? I want freedom, but freedom seems so intangible.
I’m in a mental prison. Someone lend me a hand.
TLDR My entire sense of self worth is based off how well I fit in. When this is threatened, I fall into anger and depression. How do I escape this without risking my entire future?