Pretext First off I just want to note I usually tend to write a lot more eloquently than this, but I just don't seem have the capacity to pull it off right now. I'll try and keep it as short as possible.
History I'm a 26 year old virgin. Since January i've been trying to make an active effort to get laid/find an LTR/anything because it clearly wasn't happening by itself. After months on tinder i had zero success, but i started to learn to talk to girls. I started no fap (currently at 150 days) and that helped a lot with my desperation of getting laid.
I eventually had my first date ever and I was quite a beta mess but she didn't run off or anything (although she never used tinder again after meeting me). None of my friends ever went to bars or anything so i never got out much, not that I ever met people in bars really. The only times I went out was when i was gigging with my band and pretty much everyone knew each other in the scene, don't really meet many new people.
I started lifting a bit, not strictly following any program and not staying committed enough but it was helping and made me feel a bit better about myself and I lost some weight. Eventually I was fairly happy and stopped caring about getting laid, just enjoyed going out when I did and talking to whoever.
In August I went on a tour around the country with my band and my mates' band. Had a great time, wasn't looking for girls, not that there were any. On the second last date I met a girl at the bar we played (she didn't see the band) and I felt like we really hit it off (she was there alone after being rejected from the bar her friends went to). She was the same race as me, and we had a very similar upbringing, similar interests. She thought I was this big rockstar and a player. She was also a virgin and 20 years old. I felt no pressure. I was naturally charismatic, funny, interesting, alpha [to her]. We made out and it was the best make out i'd ever had, perhaps due to no fap.
We chatted via text for a few days and then I said I was going to come down and see her for the day. I was very confident in how I talked to her and felt no pressure; i'd never felt like this before. I exhibited a lot of TRP behaviours when texting her without realising. I came down and we had an incredibly tame date where she showed me her town and we just talked for hours. It was tame due to my inability to escalate. We both had a good time and honestly it was the best time i've ever spent with a girl, which is admittedly very sad. We had a passionate kiss at the end of the date and I went home.
After that we continued to message and this is where things started to fall apart. I started acting beta in the messages but i didn't overly validate her or anything like that. We also messaged too much. She expressed to me at one point she 'wouldn't mind' losing her virginity to me and I reacted in a semi beta fashion. There was always an ambiguity for her to whether I was seeing other people which she indulged in for her own fantasy. Then she went out one night and performed oral sex with some guy she just met and messaged me about it.
I was very distraught and went radio silence for a day or so before caving and messaging back. After that she started to tell me about: usually making out with multiple guys in one night (whether it was a lie or not i'm not sure), performing oral on that guy and hoping to find a long term partner. I was pretty destroyed by all this but i never lost frame and relentlessly criticised all of it to which she eagerly responded; she was loving it. But a day after her trying to turn me into her emotional tampon, i just messaged her and said "I'm not enjoying this anymore. I had a good time meeting you, hope you find what you're looking for" etc and ended it. Her response was a semi apology filled out with some bullshit. Then she sent another response saying "LJBF" and other clichés, perhaps her trying to justify I wasn't interested in putting up with her shit? I don't know. Out of our whole encounter I think I managed to validate her as a sexual being, getting her ready for the CC, while I missed out on moving on with my life.
TRP, Depression, Self Hatred
A few days later i found TRP and my mind was blown. I've read TRP and askTRP obsessively for two months now and I understand all my mistakes, how the SMP works and learned as much as i can possibly absorb so far. I work out regularly, try to eat as healthy as i can. I've moved home during this time and I work for my parents again. Where I live now, there is no sexual prospects for me. Due to my upbringing here I barely feel like a human being; also due to race relations. I have no self esteem, no friends, no prospects; no reason to live. I work in retail and have been trying to apply TRP ideas to people i deal with. Make conversation with them, try and connect, make eye contact, hold frame with assholes and it seems to work, i gained some confidence for a little while. But everyday i'm just in a deep spell of depression. I have no long term career prospects, no experience with the opposite sex and I just hate my life and i hate myself. I walk around like a zombie feeling nothing while performing my tasks.
I've read about TRP principles and ideology and the only situation i can relate them to in my life is that girl i met. So i've literally thought about her everyday for 2 months while reading TRP. I've come to feel levels of depression and isolation i've never felt before. I see and read about people on here saying "my plate disrespected me" and the response is "next her!". I am so far away from relating to anything like that, it just makes me feel so pathetic and inadequate that i've just been unable to experience a part of life that everyone else seems to be able to experience normally, and i'm now aware of it. I had no idea girls were so slutty.
All of my previous interests no longer provide me any joy or mental stimulation: music, tv, comedy, politics, news. I just feel hollow and empty all day. I should be looking at long term career prospects and studying but i've just become obsessed with learning more and more about TRP world and become obsessed with losing my virginity again, hoping it will solve all my confidence problems. But it's just a constant loop because the more i read TRP and live here, the less confident i feel at the same time, and i have no avenue to be able to lose my virginity. I've started fantasising about suicide but i'm aware at how ridiculous and stupid and self indulgent it would be for such a seemingly non issue, but i can't break out of this bubble of depression. Most of my friends have stopped talking to me because of what a mess i've turned into. I just feel alone, lost and and completely empty inside.
I don't even know what i'm asking for, I just needed to spill my thoughts out and hopefully someone can give me some advice. Thanks in advance for any responses.