Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2qhstb/beta_virgin_here_i_lied_about_my_smv_and_now_3/
Hey guys, some of you asked for an update and I thought I should deliver. There are a lot of thoughts going through my head right now, and I'll try to write them out. If you are not interested in the musings of a beta, you need not read this, because it is long.
So throughout the day Saturday, I was supposed to sleep with 3 women. Friday night, however, I couldn't sleep because of my confusion and nervousness - not really about the sex I think, but about whether it was morally wrong and if I would get caught. You can see me responding to comments in the old thread all the way through Saturday early morning. So, I ended up texting all of them to reschedule, and decided it would be better to meet one on Sunday, one on Monday, and so on. I figured I'd have more time to think about it.
I just got back from having sex with the first girl.
Why did I do it? There was some division in the comments of the other post (some people saying you shouldn't, it's unethical, and others were saying that I should). In the end, I know it was wrong, morally, but I started thinking of all the cruel things that women had done to me in my life, and I didn't care if it was morally wrong anymore. I wanted to win. I don't think I need to go over details of what happened to me in the past, but I do believe inside every red piller is a blue piller who got his heart broken and slapped with a large dose of reality, and I am no different.
Note: I did everything humanely possible to shield myself from false rape accusations. I got explicit consent confirming texts before and after sex, a video of her smiling and then going down on me, and a video of the final cumshot, which she swallowed. She was ok with me taking videos.
After she left, I sat there in the motel for a good amount of time thinking. The sheer amount of manipulation that I did made me feel a little sick. I suppose this is selfish of me, but I wasn't really thinking of her - I was thinking of how doing this would affect me. Like I mentioned in the other thread, I still believed deep down I would find what you call a unicorn, and I could completely honest with her, about everything. I'm pretty sure I can't tell this to anyone, ever.
To be completely honest, the sex itself just wasn't THAT good. I know some of you will say, "well that's because you manipulated and lied your way into it you son of a bitch". But I really feel like it would have felt about the same, physically, had it been a regular hook up from a party, instead of the product of my immorality. You know what I started thinking while I sat there? That was it? That's hyped up way more than it should be...I've been doing so many things in life (starting eating healthy, dressing well, even my hopeful future career) all with the goal in the back of my mind, to get women. I realized I needed to refocus my purpose.
I sat a while longer and started having some sort of moment of clarity, where I realized The only thing that's limiting me from doing literally anything, is me. I've been working so hard to try to find a woman, because I need validation (?), or maybe because I've put them up on this pedestal (?). I could climb so high, working on myself, for me. I sat there thinking, I could see myself doing anything - becoming a successful businessman, surgeon, mountain climber, whatever I wanted. I finally understood what they mean when they say learn to be happy alone.
Some other notes:
I forgot to practice putting on a condom like /u/GCOW30 suggested. So when the time came, I ordered her to do it for me. She seemed to think I was being dominant, which she liked.
Speaking of dominant, /u/vandaalen probably gave me the advice that affected me most. I treated her like a slut and I didn't care what she thought of my performance. I did everything: face-fucking, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, holding her throat, rough doggystyle (at one point I pushed her face into the motel carpet while doing this), anal doggystyle while pulling her hair back so hard that she was looking at ceiling, even ass-to-mouth...(I did tell her a safe-word, just in case) The weirdest part? She loved it. She kept saying "harder" and was wet as a river. Flashback to my really blue pill days where I would be spending the night with the girl I loved (only handjobs/blowjobs, so I was still a virgin), and she was always dry as a desert...She tried to convince me that she had no idea why she was dry, and that she loved how "gentle" I was.
Some questions for you guys (yes, this is embarrassing). So I have a pretty average sized dick I think (5.5 inches), but during sex it would keep slipping out. Why is this? Does it mean something? Does it get better with practice?
Is it normal for men not to be able to cum from penetration? This went on for more than an hour*, and I was getting exhausted. At the end, I told her I would facefuck her until I came but after 15 minutes of that I still wasn't coming, so she just gave me a hand job. Is this due to my frequent masturbation? *Edit: that means from when she started blowing me, to when I came, with various positions of penetrative sex and oral in the middle.
What's the deal with anal sex? They make it look like heaven in porn, but I actually didn't like it that much.
I didn't give her an orgasm...was she expecting me to? I think I was pretty good at giving her oral sex, based on how she responded, but I only did that for like 5 minutes before getting tired. Honestly, the whole "treat her like a slut" thing just made me not care. I probably have to fix that right? Edit2(clarification): I'm referring to whether I need to fix the fact that I don't care about whether a hook-up orgasms or not.
There are still two more girls I'm supposed to see early this week. I'm about to tell them that I can't and forget this whole business. I think I've learned what I could, and honestly I don't have that much desire for sex for now. (although as I typed this one of them sent me a naked picture and dear god..she's a 9/10.)
I just want to end this post with a thought. I know I still probably haven't completely swallowed the pill, but intimacy really felt a lot better with my old girlfriend. Is this just because I loved her? Is the idea of the red pill that even though I loved her, and thus intimacy felt a lot better, she still did not love me in the way I thought she did? That they are incapable of the love we give them? But then wouldn't I want to fall in love again? Am I misunderstanding the mindset of red-pillers, when I say most don't seem like the type to "fall in love"?
TL;DR: Beta virgin is virgin no more, but probably still a beta. Would love for you guys to read my post (I know it's long) and comment on my thoughts.