I'm suppressing the buoyancy of my own potential out of guilt and can't help (pretending to) be ashamed like everyone else.
Guilt for what?
My only escape is every now & then I'll push through the resistance & get all my ducks lined up of Healthy, Virile appearance, lean face and very present mind. Then I do this gay shit where "radiate love" in my gaze. I feel very anxious (as if I stole something) when doing this. It resembles an innocent child is the best way I'd put it.
I guess that balances out the supposed transgression of being totally unashamed because it "works" in that people seem to be taking a closer look, say when talking to me, which is often then followed by an expression of genuine surprise on their part.
I've always thought they'd burst out in rage if I were to take away the "innocent" aspect of this and betray the (more authentic) look of patient boredom with the horseshit nonsense spewing out of their mouths. I'm all over the place with this and need help identifying its real parameters: Am I neurotic? Neoliberal Subjectivity? Jungian Archetype? wtf is going on.
I have a vague idea in that I considered: If I were to move to completely different location where absolutely no one knew me I could live from this place with no problem. So I'm guessing it's a clash of identities and if that's the case I might just have to have the spiritual balls to Give no fucks in regards to the more sovereign identity.
yeah yeah Faggotry this, Beta that. If you have experience with this from the vague mishmash I've described above hit me up with a text/author.
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