All my life ive sucked at everything. You know you suck at everything when everyone reminds you all the time. Anything you can imagine that requires competency, I was abysmal at. Poor coordination in every regard, very overweight, needed speech therapy, did poorly in school, non athletic, no personality or a shred of confidence. I was 11 self abusing. I genuinely hated myself.
Well an ocean of effort later, ive arrived at average. And i the trajectory of my life. All the habits i work tirelessly to create, die the moment i ease my foot off the gas. Ive gone from 180 at 6 3 to 211 and i eat clean man. I have to because of my autoimmune disease. But today I gave up my goal of 230. Ive been stuck at 211 despite eating nearly 4k calories a day. Where as 90% of people go beyond me in every conceivable way with significantly less effort and intent. I couldnt stress this enough with a book written as thick as a dictionary. It obliterates my moral.
But the thing is, i have the biggest and nastiest ego ive ever experienced. Im an invert narcissist 100%. Yes you can be a narcissist while admitting youre one. But i can guarentee that im not better than anyone, so i probably have a dissociative personality disorder too.
I think its my only way of coping with reality. Id be ok with sucking at life if i didnt want so much. Ive been observing my desires and trying to shed them off, and I've reached a point where its just constant war, no side ever winning. Every human i come into contact with not only has one objectively amazing thing about them, but probably more. I used to think i had something too, i mean everyone does; if i only i dig deep enough. But all i find is more darkness and emptiness, more ego as padding from the sheer objectivity of my existence.
Every person is a state qualifer, national record holder, supremely talented creative, online business extraordinaire, loaded with cousins and uncles in fortune 500 companies, has a quirky talent that NEVER fails to attract a compliment or merit, an escape route, a means of swimming through reality with no resistence. There's never an exception. The kid who i coached sucks at swimming but is excellent at guitar and has a personality to match.
Everyone i meet has one achievement that is further than all my achievements combined. My pursuit to be well rounded, coupled with shit attention and eclectic interests has led me to dig 10 holes 1 ft deep, while everyone has 1 or 2 holes 10 feet deep and a spare shovel ready to go.
Im constantly talking to myself to the point where people catch me doing it. Constantly analyzing situations and creating respones to them, as well as floodgates for the emotional response I inevitably give. Trying to dig deeper and rewire my subconscious, to identify absurdly irrational defense mechanisms and perceptions of the world that hinder my growth. Im always one inch of away from being the center of a crowd, staring at me, judging intensely, blacklisting me in their minds; baffled and nearly disgusted by me breaking character.
Ive been considering suicide not because im depressed, but because i see my life. I see the way the universe reacts to me, and im over and over coming to the conclusion that im defective. Youd swear i was mentally retarded or autistic, but id urge to to think twice before gracing me with such generous descriptions. Its offensive to them to compare me. Im beyond what you possibly comprehend be still considered cognitive function. Some of the shit i pull after years of trying not to again is truly a talent in its own right.
I know what the response to this will be. Couple downvotes and a succinct comment that tells me im stupid and should get over it or something. I know. This post is more for me. I know the inevitablilty of me taking my own life. Its just a matter of accepting that i may hurt my family and cast a negativity around them like "oh your son killed himself??" So i just gotta work thru that. But to the 2 people who skim this, thank you. Idk for what really but i appreciate you taking the time.
Im not depressed or sad really. Purely defeated. Staring into the face of my limits and reality. I concede.